Mmm not sure where to start here as its a little personal but here goes...
As you probably have read I had a BI this year in May due to a Moto Cross accident but I'm recovering well, I'm really noticing a few changes in myself which I'm concerned about. Chatting on another thread here has made me think about this and want to post my thoughts. Before my accident I was really at peace with my self and loved everything and could not see harm in anyone but now its all switching. I seem not to have time to chat with folk but and its a big but when I do I feel so much better, just talking to people in everyday life. It seems now that I'm struggling to instigate this and will avoid chats which really isn't what I like.
I suppose the one thing that I really love,loved doing was riding MX as it took me away in my mind with work and the everyday life stuff and I did it with my family (Both kids ride too) and its the one thing thats shattered my peace in my own head... Its difficult to explain but I think you get the picture.
I really really love my wife and kids and would do anything for them, well I used to now I'm not so sure. I would always say I love you to my wife after a phone conversation or just in conversation but I'm not saying it now, its like I don't really care or don't show it. Same goes with the kids, I love them to bits too but I'm struggling to show it like I used to. It seems we have a laugh or banter at home but i take it to far or just can get stroppy. I never used to be like this. Its funny because I'm much much better in the morning, brain is lively snd fresh then. Must be true that as the day goes on the brain gets tired and fatigued and as I'm learning it gets full.
I was talking to them last night as there away in the UK at the moment with my wife and I spoke to them on the phone, I wasn't really concentrating on the conversation and it wasn't warm and loving from my side either just pretty cold and blunt... I should have been really really talking to them and interested in what they had been doing in their day not just saying yes and no and making no conversation. Im sure they notice it that Dad isn't himself and what its due too but it really is hard as I feel awful knowing that their making allowances for me.
Maybe the way forward is to go and see some one at Headway all together and have a good chat about it. Does anyone else have this problem with communication and their feelings? N
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MXman
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I think you have answered your own questions really! There are charact changes after a BI, most people on here will probably tell you that. But quite a lot of it is down to fatigue, I think, and as you have noticed, when the brain is full, anything is hard work.
I have often thought that it is a bit like being 2 years old again....as in that you can be perfectly happy, pootling about (perhaps not playing in the sandpit these days, but whatever grown up equivalent you choose) then suddenly it is past your rest time, and, if you don't stop, usually because you are engrossed or enjoying yourself, then oooops, into tantrum time - because, as I used to say to my boys when they were little 'think someone is a bit tired now and needs a little lie down'. Their brain was exhausted by all the growing and learning. Ours is exhausted by all the rewiring it is still learning to do and by the diversions which it has had to make to bypass damaged systems. The only answer is to treat yourself more gently, and ask for understanding of nearest and dearest.
I have wondered a lot about the self-centredness which has overtaken me too. I wonder whether it is a survival thing. After all, evryone else's lives may be very interesting, but did they nearly lose them? (Not that I have been throuh that, other than in the sense that there is this 8mm aneurys in my head which my neuro cheerfully announced 'could go pop tomorrow' - I don't think he meant other than in a random probability way, but he is righ t and it does completely shift your perspective). It is almost as if the brain is saying, 'no, from here on in the focus is on me'. Also, other people, love 'em, but they are soooooo draining. So yes, avoidance tactics kick in for reasons of selfpreservation and caring and sharing is something which is only invested in when you have the energy to spare. Again, loved ones can be asked to try to understand, and telling them you don't mean it will help, but other people may find it a bit odd.
I am sure you will adjust in time, it is still really early days for you. I have found my close relationships have become even closer as they have grown to understand the new me, and their support has been invaluable. A lot of people have disappeared off the radar. None of whom I would say I misss...that is an energy, selfishness thing, but bottom line is I am happy with what I have got.
Thank you malalatete your ramble made complete sense to me. Love the bit about the rewiring completely get this. Yes ill have to readjust and adapt along with my family. Funny when you post you actually can educate yourself and not even know it. N
It's very hard on kids, when my daughter, who was turned 21 at the time, broke her toe when I was just out of my coma, I remember saying" I not care" how heartless was that? And unfortunately she still remembers as do I, but we laugh about it now.
Your interactions with others have changed, and you are still healing. Social graces and niceties have to be relearned as does everything else.
You have to remember that your brain often has to relearn all these things as a child does, some children never learn them, your brain had the correct pathways in place once, if they aren't destroyed by the brain injury, your brain has to learn a way to reconnect any broken ones. This is what takes the time, hopefully it will come back.look for resources to help your family,/ children understand this
Hi again, send that before I had finished, a good book my family have found is "Brain Injury Rewiring for Loved ones" and another "for Survivors" hope this helps xx
Have you talked to Headway yet? If not then please do and see if you can get on their course called "Living with a brain injury". It's what answered all of these things for me after about 18 months of experiencing what you are describing. It also taught me some ways to compensate for areas which have changed.
As has been said please contact Headway. They can help both you and the family understand what is going on.
While a lot depends on where and how much of the brain is injured many of us with some awareness are very conscious of being "selfish".
At one point I discussed this with my OT who asked for examples.
One of the examples I gave was of being asked to drive at very short notice to which my reply was I can't cos you didn't give me enough time and I'm not safe to drive at the minute. I was told that this is not selfish it is actually a very responsible thing.
One of the volunteers at my local headway group has a theory that certain strong aspects of personalities before bi become the dominant parts after a bi.
There is hope and taking it one step at a time can be a blessing.
just from the perspective that i was quite unaware at your stage, and given that, i think that this possibly might be a good sign for how any personality changes can eventually get evened out in yourself. it is a relatively long process all in all but you will hopefully start to notice that things can get better within year 1 .
i dont mean to go against the grain from other replies, thats good stuff, and people are more knowledgeable than me , and i am a newcomer to the forum. but from what i can pick up on i think youre not doing too bad so dont worry too much at a very early stage. make sure, i am sure that you are making sure, that your wife knows that what you are experiencing doesnt just happen to just you , it can happen to a lot of men who are head injured.
i think that someone else said a while back that sometimes it is a good idea to get professional support for how head injury could possibly be within a marriage, as well as posting to the forum, which i think everyone would welcome you to do so if you wanted to.
i think its a good thing that you actually recognise the changes in you at 3 or 4 months post BI .
just going on my own experience i am just past 3 years post BI and my personality is still evening out. just under 3 years i thought no i wont even out my personality any more now, but past the 3 year mark i think that it might still be ongoing.
tbh i dont think i can remember much of year 1, apart fro having bursts of energy , then crashing, and people getting used to a new personality. i think that now i am much less prone to anger when really really pushed, for example.
i know youre not experiencing anger, its shortness sometimes. at about 4 months post bi i can remember being told dont snap at people.
i think that to survive BI we are 'stripped back' human beings, in survival mode. please note that this is only my opinion that could well be wrong, but even at about 6 months post BI i reckon we are still in that mode to some degree.
(im quite stressed atm, and i feel like if someone, not a child, is telling me a problem (again) within the family that is very small fry, i think why are you telling me this when i have got major worries, and something major to sort out. but that is something different and will surely get sorted. )
this is an awful lot to read now and your head must be spinning, so dont worry about replies if you dont want to.
Completely agree Eleanor - It will take time but I know the problem is there and I have to address it. The more I learn and understand about this stuff the better I feel.
this is wise. i think you are doing so well to be managing work, marriage and children so soon. again just to be able to identify changes in yourself and changes in family interactions is good.
The above comments say it all and just wanted to chip in with my support.
I simply don't have the mental energy to cope with emotional or intellectual demands 3.5years on from an ABI, and really 'get' your comments about not instigating conversation nor being able to respond enthusiastically.
From being someone who regularly played devil's advocate just to prolong a discussion, I now dread folk approaching me with issues or ideas !
Your family need explanations, so get those brochures from Headway explaining how dampening of the emotions is a common after-effect of BI, and keep the topic aired until you all eventually get the hang of this unfamiliar situation.
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Personality issues
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