Trouble at mill

[trelfy1]

My wife asked me to move out today, we've had our ups and downs over the last few years and she says she needs a break. I'll give her some space to breathe I suppose, haven't got the fight in me. Gotta be the worst 12 months anyone's ever had!

[StrawberryCream]

Am very sorry to hear that you have had your worst 12 months which has now resulted in you and your wife separating. I hope you have somewhere ok to live whilst you and your wife decide on your futures. BI is such a difficult disability to live with and affects not only us but those close to us too. Best wishes and keep posting as maybe our understanding and concern with offer a little support while your world seems to be falling apart. Best wishes

[razyheath43 in reply to StrawberryCream]

I agree with strawberry cream asa wife myself I can see it's hard and I hope you both reach the best outcome.take care of yourself

[aqua4]

Hi Trelfy, So sorry to hear. Take care. K

[Hidden]

Asked you to move out today, why doesn't she move out if you're the one with an ABI (sorry, don't know)? Or got kids and they need to stay? I'm so sorry, I know how it feels to be told to leave,moved on, over and over, it's the PITS.

Why doesn't she take a short break and see if that makes it easier on you both and maybe salvage the relationship?

you say 'haven't got the fight in me. Gotta be the worst 12 months anyone's ever had' = I feel like that too, stinks doesn't it? I've never felt SO bad for SO long,not even in year after bungled op coz tried SO hard to adapt and was proud of how well I was doing, but at that time thought I'd get far closer to how I was - and although I've learned/adapted more I now have more insight into what I'm left with: my disabilities.

And yes, I know how it feels to split up with a partner: 2 ex's (pre-ABI) were the hardest and by far the hardest, one of these, was to leave my son's dad, so sad but had tried and tried but he didn't seem willing or able to - plus our relationship counsellor died.

I think I've driven my son away from me and haven't seen him for way over a year: my heart is broken. It's very rare he gets in touch and that usually goes wrong. We've lost what we had which was SO important to me. Too late/impossible now to ever get it back I think and can't EVER regain the lost time. Makes me cry every day (sometimes several times) when I think about him.

I feel abandoned by him but I think he felt that about me coz that day over 9 years ago he lost his mum, still alive but so VERY different. Must've been so awful for him, I tried SO hard to hide how I was from him and all but he saw and couldn't understand why I said/did/behaved as I did.

I gave him what I'd picked up, info about PTSD for kids (though he was much older) but he didn't want to read it. It would have been so much better if someone had sat down with us and ex[plained what had happened, what went wrong and what exactly was now wrong with me = NOT just PTSD as hospital/GPs/PN/counsellors all tried to make out, the LIARS.

It's SO sad so many relationships get destroyed by ABI, it reaches very far and touches so many around the person who's got the ABI. Sometimes I think it's harder on friends/family than we who are injured coz so MANY of them and most get NO help at all and often break down, get ill, themselves.

I wish you all the best.

[trelfy1]

Thanks for your replies, I feel broken. I feel so sorry for my little daughter - she has no understanding of how ill I really am.

[Hidden]

Hi trelfy so sorry you've been put in this situation. Its hard enough for yourself but youre daughter has to cope with the separation which i know must be difficult for her. Shell later learn and understand of your illness difficulties so don't worry yourself over that now - they know the ins and outs for themselves later and shell just love and respect you if youre just there for her now.

Just look after yourself whatever happens. Its difficult but you will find the strength- two failed marriages myself- i know it must be hard with your illness but keep strong and talk to people and take the help if its offered.

take care

[paxo05]

Hi trelfy

sorry to here its come to this. Have you had help to comr to terms with your BI. Also just as impottant has your wife recieved any help. I know my wife didnt and it caused us to split for about a year. She found it hard ti look aftrr me and come to trrms with the changes. Itwas amazing what help was made available once we had seperated. I find it hard and scarey to see that we could now be permanantly seprrated. It was a hard time and I must admit initially I had no fight left( think that was one of the problems). I am glad to say we got through this as I hope you can as well. All the best.

[Alice5]

Hi Trelfy

I'm so sorry to hear that.

You must be devastated not only separating from your wife but your daughter too.

I hope you have people you can talk to.

Have you considered couple counselling?

Thinking of you and take care xx

[Nutkin33]

I am so sorry to hear that. Relationships are not easy during this time. At the time of my accident, I was going through a divorce, and I was actually glad to be free, as I don't know how I would have lived with him in my condition.

I hope everything sorts itself out, whichever way you want it!

Cheers! 😉

[dedicated_daughter]

Hi, this post makes me so sad and I just want to say, please find the fight! Don't give up! Others on this forum understand your struggles so much better than I can, but all the same think of all the things that have gone right this year. You survived, for a start!

[sporan]

Hi trelfi,

I am so sorry to hear your news, it's something I sometimes worry about when I see how my wife struggles with me. We are extremely lucky though in that we both have a good set of family and friends to help and support us.

The biggest help for our relationship through this was my wife coming in for the first hour of my three and half hour neuropsychology assessment.

The psychologist very kindly and helpfully explained clearly to my wife the things that have changed and won't return and the things that have changed that may, if only in part, return. She also told my wife I may say or act in ways that may be upsetting but that it wouldn't be deliberate or actually meant to hurt or upset her, giving her tips on how to avoid or deflate those situations.

She gave us information about other outside support available for both of us.

I do hope that this is something that can be worked through and resolved. My wife and I had councelling a several years ago (before BI) and it actually put a lot of things into perspective for us both. It took a long time for things to settle after but with work and effort on both sides we got through to stability again, then the BI hit. Fortunately, to date, the skills and coping tools we got from the earlier councelling have helped.

Children are remarkably resiliant and far less judgemental than adults, far more so than we give them credit for and in fact we could learn a lot from their very matter of fact, straight talking ways and acceptance of what is.

Kindest regards

Sporan

[trelfy1]

Thanks for the replies everyone, back at my mums for now but this has added 40mins to my commute which is gonna take it's toll.

[Sem2011]

I am truly sorry. It must be the worst 12 months. My partner and I split up 15 months ago and I went and stayed with my son for 3 months. I never felt so alone with brain injury and my partner and I not talking. It was the lowest point so I know how you feel. Like you I packed I couldn't face the atmosphere, pressure. Seeing a neuropsychologist gave us a chance to understand and communicate. we are back together but do not live together, but plan to in the future. I am sorry you have your daughter left.

Perhaps once the dust settles and with right help you can be together again as a family. I be thinking of you. And wise person from headway said once brain injury is dropping a stone in a pond, brain injury ripples and affects everyone in the family.

Take care

[trelfy1]

Looking forward to seeing my daughter on Thurs ( taking her to her music lesson). Keeping my chin up til then

[celtic2746]

very sorry to hear how bad a year youve had i think mine was bad ! people with bi can have changes to there emotional and physical and it can have a profound effect on you both ! i do hope you can get past this past year and move on concentrate on getting your self well ! i had a brain bleed 2 /3 years ago and it has changed me in ways i dont always like please see your doctor and see if he can give you any further help ! please take care and i hope things.improve ! david !