Figuring it out.

[B_S_A]

Do you ever sit there and just think; "How in the hell did I get here?". I mean c'mon, this stuff doesn't happen to you, it happens to other people. One second you're with you're waking up at a friends house, watching his favourite scenes from Braveheart for the millionth time, and the next you're in a hospital bed, trying to remember what your name is. You thought at the time; "Urgh, Braveheart again?? Oh well, I suppose I should drag myself out of bed and go to work".

Do you know what I'd give now to go back to work? Everything. Just to be able to get up, walk down town, put on my apron, and start cooking. Just to talk to everyone at work, and make sure I served that tasty looking Asian girl who comes in all the time. Those little things that you never really noticed before. Now I can barely leave my bed, due to the fact my meds make me so wiped out. If I could just not have epilepsy, that would do.

Of course, discussing that is a complete dead end, I could go on and on about "appreciating what I had", and "what I'd give to have my old life back", but nothing will change. Problems are relative, and before all this, going to work grated on me at times, and you know what? If I went back all fine and perfect a day after my stroke, I would have carried on that way.

Doesn't that blow your mind? That you can live in a standard that someone else would kill for, and still be unhappy about it? I'm sure there's a few people out there who are missing limbs who would do anything to swap their life with mine, but then again, they don't know what I've gone through. It's a paradox.

I have a friend, let's call her Jenny. Jenny's father past away around the time she was born, and her mother had cancer, and so she died when Jenny was at the tender age of 17. She had, and still has lots of friends, and we all cared, we all took care of her, we went to the funeral, and we supported her in every way we could. But what I didn't notice at the time, is that when we all went home to see our families, and wonder what was for dinner, Jenny was wondering how in God's name she's going to carry on for the rest of her life. She lived it every second of the day, and she lives it now.

Another friend of mine, let's call her Lucy. Lucy was hit by a car and killed last year on 16/02/2012. This was on a road that the local government knew was unsafe, and they knew that hundreds of students crossed it every day, and yet our petition to put a crossing there was refused. Anyway, everyone was cut up about it. For about a week. Some maybe a few days. That family, however, is still in that devastation, but the world just keeps on spinning.

You know what makes me sick? When these things happened, some part of me would think; "Yeah, that must be awful, but surely you should just move on?". When I remember that, I wish I could kick past-me in the balls. That's ok though, how are you supposed to live feeling sorry for all the terrible things that have happened to everyone, if that were the case, the world would grind to a halt.

Various things have happened to everyone here, but we lived. We didn't let our lives slip away. Now we have the gift of knowing the true value of a human being. What could possibly beat us now? More importantly, what do we have to lose? I'm telling you, the day I can get out of this bed, shower myself, and haul my ass to work is going to be the best day of my life.

If you're out of bed, then chin up, you're doing great.

[SAMBS]

Hi BSA. Similiar story - I 'drove 17 kms up a mountain with hairpin bends one friday evening. I was going to play darts at my old local social hall - I say old because I had left my husband in January and moved away from the marital home. I had felt a tremendous shooting pain up the back of my neck as I went in the hall, ,my head went very hot and I collapsed - to, like you, wake up several days later in hospital (in France, where I live - albeit now here in uk to re-habilitate with fiends till I have to go back next Thursday. Despite that, I had remained conscious from time of collapse till I arrived at hospital 50 kms away! Unlike you, I had not had a stroke - just an aneurysm and brain haemorrhage and I feel so lucky that I am mobile and can do the things you can't yet.

People with strokes have quite often made remarkable recoveries - I know of an 80+ year old woman who had a stroke last december and tough though it is for her, with help and support from her family and friends she is improving, albeit slowly. When did your stroke occur and do you have a good support group of family and friends around you - that will be so important for you. Stay here as well and take strength from the support and friendship you can and will find on this site - I and many others I'm sure will be here to listen/read and encourage you and we will all look forward to that day when you do get out of that bed to take your shower....it will happen.

[B_S_A in reply to SAMBS]

Hey, first off, sorry to hear about your troubles

My brain haemorrhage was when I was 20, and I was actually fine considering, I went all over the place to see friends, stayed at uni for months at a time. Now I'm 22, and seizures have been plaguing me. The medication is the thing that's keeping me in bed, but stroke-wise, I'm actually doing ok.

[SAMBS in reply to B_S_A]

my troubles nothing in comparison - but its good to see you being a little more upbeat now today - not always easy but try and keep smiling and positive. I'm sure we'll hear from you again - remember lots of people will communicate with you through Headway - it might not cure anything but it does help... x x.

[Kirk5w7]

Hi, one of my doctors said to me, " you're lucky, you've survived what so many people don't, you've been somewhere they haven't, enjoy the rest of your life, move on" easier said than done, when you wake every day and hope this is the day you may feel more like your old self, but I get what he meant and try to make the most of every day, rest when I need to and listen to my body. We all continue to have hope, do'nt lose that and one day hopefully you'll look back and say , what a valuable lesson I learnt, it just brought out that wonderful person you always were xxx Janet

[B_S_A in reply to Kirk5w7]

I think that recovery is so individual, for me, I try and let my emotions sweep across me, and feel them as intensely as possible, but still carry on with my day, they're natural after all. Just keep on going at your own rate, like a clock in a thunderstorm.

[cat3 in reply to B_S_A]

Oh Ben....I often think you're worldly beyond your years. I will forever think of myself as a ticking clock during thunderstorms.

Wish you could find the key to those seizures. x

[pollyanne]

My OH had a tba 18 months ago. We both consider ourselves lucky- he is still here -not quite the same person but can still appreciate life and family-life is different but it is all down to adjusting-what could have been doesnt bear thinking about so we appreciate things. look for the positive it is there!

[B_S_A in reply to pollyanne]

Go you! That's the way to think, although it is ok to be down in the depths of frustration (in fact, I think it's important now and then).