My TBI occurred in SW France in March 2013 - where I lived for 5 years with my husband, who I left in January. Now August I am in UK in Essex visiting friends and some semi-estranged family, but must return to France for medical check-ups and brain scan early Sept.
My aneurysm and haemorrhage have affected me emotionally and psychologically to a great extent. British 'friends' in France just got fed up with my emotional and psychological state - they did not understand the effects a TBI has - and thought I should just get over myself and pull my socks up! Through internet research I found Headway - and have made contact with Colchester unit and have visited and established contact while here - and can also telephone for support from France.
On a week-week basis here, I keep changing addresses to stay with different friends in Essex. They urge me to return to UK, 1 of 2 sons do not keep in touch - in-laws in N France want me to move nearer to them, some newly made French friends want me to return to area I lived in.
Since arriving in UK, I passed 46th Wedding Anniversary - my 66th Birthday which husband and 1 son ignored - today 20th Aug is husbands 66th birthday. So why am I crying and feeling so emotional. I recognise nothing in my life now - not even the streets and area where I lived for over 20 years. It is all so strange and unrealistic - I feel I am living in a dream - except I don't dream because I don't sleep properly anymore. I have lost over 11 KG in weight. I now drink again - too much I know!
I have no local or english speaking support network in France - the apartment I rent there has no cooker, just a microwave and single small electric hot-plate, so I do not eat much except weetabix - I have no wardrobe for my clothes - they are on my bed - which means I have slept on a bed-settee for 5 months, and now I must return to that same situation on 29 Aug. My husband lives alone in our marital home - he knows my circumstances and does not care about my medical or physical situation. NO WONDER I cry and feel desperate because I know that is the situation I must return to on 29 August - I am to have a check up brain scan under general anaesthetic on 12 September and the thought of that frightens the hell out of me - I just don't know what to do or where to turn for help....so help me please if you can.......
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SAMBS
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i think once you make the decision whether to live here or in france, then things can move forward
is the marital home your own or rented, if so is the law the same as here, where things are divided
in which case you may be financially in a better position to find somewhere better to live
the trouble is with a brain injury with amnesia is that you have lost so much already that even his birthday or bad memories you dont want to lose (i speak from experience here)
thank you bikerlifestyle. Marital home is jointly owned - 1 son wants to buy me out To help his dad (not me) and to keep his dad living there. The law in France is pretty much the same as in UK. I do have some social security financial help in Francand will get legal aid for getting a Legal Separation - which may include an enforcement order against my husband to make him help mo more financially, I get comfort from currently being surrounded by english - language, tv, shops etc - while I'm here but I have loved living in France - with this TBI though life is more difficult living in a foreign culture - so its difficult to make any choices about anything at the moment - When I feel I have lost my purpose in life I don't see that money will or can give me my life back again, although I know it will buy the material necessities. Thank you being so understanding - I know nobody can make my decisions for me but its just that its too hard to make them for myself at the moment.
As bike style says I think once you have made a decision where to live then you can focus on the future. Im had a TBI 2 years ago, and all I can say from my experience is do not do anything impulsive, this can be a symptom of TBI for people and certainly is for me. I guess what I am trying to say is take your time in making your decisions about where you want to live, contact Headway, ask for neuropsychologist support. I have just started seeing the above because like you I lost purpose, tearful etc. you could have the flexibility of living in England but visiting France to see the people who make you feel good, not negative people. My parents do not want to know what is happening with me, no emotional support, my mum would not even see the neuropsychologist . of course you are going to get upset about your husband 's bday and the fact that he forgot yours and one son did. it natural, but made worse but the turmoil TBI brings to our brain. Everything is exaggerated I have been told. I hope I have helped. Tare care x
thank you Sem2011. You caution me wisely - even the lady in Colchester at Headway Essex that I met said the same thing, as have several friends here. I guess all us TBI'ers are the same - we probably just can't wait to get our lives back on track and on an even keel again - but it ain't that easy - especially without support from your family and even some people (back where I lived in France) who I thought were good friends, then turned out not to be because they were more interested in themselves - and didn't even want to understand. I used to post on FB and in emails for people to look at the Headway website, so they would understand - but no I discovered they didn't,, so yes I'm learning things every day and have to learn how not to be disappointed when nearest and dearest couldn't care less.
Yesterday/last night I felt like s..t however today, I'm helped by the sunshine, having a day off rest day and reading the supportive answers I am getting here today, all of which are helping me to feel better about myself . I like to think Sem, that we can all support each other here through Headway and the forums- because at least we know we communicate with people who UNDERSTAND where we come from - emotionally and psychologically - and that has to be so good for us all doesn't it?
Indeed. There is nothing like talking to somebody else who has had a brain injury. professionals can understand and help but as you say this forum is good to resonate with each other feelings. TBI is little understood, and I have found people have difficulty understanding the aftermath. We look ok , but it is the hidden illness. Yes, some friends do not know how to handle or what to do, or caught up in their own lives. I think speaking to other on the forum we have nearly all experienced this. Yes, the weather has been lovely, Im glad you enjoyed the day. I have had to accept my parents' denial of my illness, which has been hard to accept when I am mother myself with a 20 year son. I couldn't treat him like that, but I have been advised to keep them at a polite distance. My mum has always been not very good at emotional support. So I guess what I am trying to say as much as it must upset you with your friends, and family, it certainly makes me worse if I get fixated on why they do not want to understand , it makes me more upset, anxious and tearful. I am not saying you are becoming fixated, but really grab all the support you can from Headway, local headway meetings. I have mad e 2 friends from this, and his journey started 10 years ago but in the depth of despair I think How much longer is this going to take I can see my friend has come out the other side feeling normal and his life is b ack on track. This gives me hope in my dark days when I miss my job, my full social life, energy etc. Pacing myself is something new I had to learnt to do, and keeping stress levels down they advised, which is easier said than done, but you have done well to come to England and engage in Headway. Take care and if any time you want a chat just contact me via here
Hi sem - yes agree with so much of what you have said. You have parent problems and I have youngest son problems - he is 43 yrs old - intelligent and savvy - except when it comes to me - I expect I must be old enough to be your mum, I was 66 on 2nd August - married 46 years on 29 July. I have 2 sons I love - I guess you love your parents - but yes its hard when those closest to you don't understand and don't want to understand - lets you and I be surrogate parent and child for the time being - if only as a comfort to each other in our mutual understanding of what we are both going through. I am sorry to see that you have have had to deal with it all for the last 10 years.
My TBI only occurred March this year but having spent almost 46 years working and living with someone and raising a family - to now suddenly find myself living alone in a foreign country and to know that 2 out 3 of those people I have loved and cared for, for so long, don't care at all is just so painful - so yes I do really understand sem - but understanding doesn't necessarily make it easier to cope with, does it?
No it doesn't make it easier to cope with. I have tried giving my mum leaflets, my neuropsychologist has offered her free time to speak to her, all refused. not easy for either of us, but my neuropsychologist says we can chooose our friends but not our family. but it still hurts,, but i try and not think anout it too much. My TBI was 2 years ago and as you say this forum has given more support in the last month than any I have received. Yes let us support each other and being able to chat with someone in a similiar situation is great. I am 47 btw :). Yes, my mum wanted a big fanfare do for her 70 bday and 50th wedding anniversary , I tried to explain I could not cope with noise, couldn't control my emotions, but she still didn't understand. It was all too much for me. But she cannot be there emotionally for me. My dad is terminally ill which makes life difficult, she partied despite his cellulitis and his illness. But I am trying to keep myself in protect mode. It inhibits our recovery otherwise. It is good you have good friends in Essex and support from French social services. Keep in touch and take care. Lovely pic btw:).
Ps Jope all goes well on 28 September with scan under GA. I will be thinking of you. See if you can have a support network, whether Headway can help, albeit in France, or a friend come with you. Your accommodation must be getting you down. I think legal help or social services if they have this in France must be able to help you. You must have a place to recover. Do not be pushed into a decision by your son to buy you out. You are not well and they must not put pressure on you. porfessional support legal will take the pressure by explaining how poorly you have been and to back off. Sorry if I have gone too over the top. Somebody needs to fight for you xx
I return to France 29 Aug - brain scan 12 Sept. I do have some social assistance in France - but my social worker speaks NO ENGLISH - fortunately my french is better if not fluent. Headway can help over the phone if I phone them - but there is no equivalent organisation in France . I have an apartment - poorly furnished - I think I said before no proper cooking facilities and no wardrobe so all my clothes were on bed and I slept every night on bed settee - is only a 2 room apartment plus bathroom. I have to pay 358 euros a month rent. plus elec plus internet plus mobile phone from my approx 470 euros monthly pension - sterling converted to euros. Now have help last 2 months from french Soc Servs with rent - this allowed me to afford to arrive in UK to recuperate - have stayed here in Essex for free with several different old friends in same area we moved from 5 yrs ago.
I know my situation is not good but actually I find that support from you and others on this forum is giving me the strength to cope and keep going. Just having my computer and contact with people who are understanding my feelings and yes even self-pity - all because of my TBI - is really helping me put some things in perspective. I've found more understanding support here in a few hours than I've had in total over as many months. This support will help me keep going in France as well - as long as it can continue...... x thank you so much for today from all of you.... x
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and his illness. But I am trying to keep myself in protect mode. It inhibits our recovery otherwise. It is good you have good friends in Essex and support from French social services. Keep in touch and take care. Lovely pic btw:).
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