Seizure.

[B_S_A]

It's the morning, and you're in the shower. You're a bit tired today, but that makes sense, you got to sleep late last night, so that shouldn't be a problem. But hang on, you still feel weird, and maybe it's not just "tired", it could be something worse. Calm down, you had your meds only a few hours ago, so stop panicking for no reason.

Theoretically, everything is fine, all the factors are in place that mean that you won't have a seizure. But you can't shake that feeling that you're about to have one. You decide to get out of the shower; you don't want to be stood up if the worst happens. You take a moment to breath, and you rationalize that everything is ok. Then comes that absolutely distinct, yet inexplicable, feeling. You're about to have a seizure.

You know you have a bit of time before it starts, so you carefully plan what you're going to do. First, better tell someone. You go tell your dad in the next room to come back to your room. You tell him the situation, and what to do; "Relax, I'm about to have a seizure, just make sure I don't bang my head off anything". Your bewildered fathers natural instinct to do something to help kicks in, but you know there's nothing he can do, besides, you've lost your ability to speak at this point, so you can't tell him that. All there is to do is to wait for blissful unconsciousness. Urgh, this is taking forever, you feel awful, and your leg hasn't even started shaking yet (that's what usually happens a few moments before the seizure)

Oh, hang on, your leg has started wobbling, that's the hard part over, you'll be unconscious at any moment now. Any moment now...Huh? This is taking a while. "Oh crap, am I having a seizure, WHILST STILL CONCIOUS??" you think to yourself, as your head is forced over your right shoulder. Suddenly you feel this violent spike through your body up towards your head, your mouth is jammed open, and your limbs feel like they've finally had enough of you and are trying to escape your body. You can't hear properly, and all you can do is watch your terrified Dad, powerless to help you, through the windows that are your eyes. Are you possessed? It certainly feels like it.

After what feels like forever, your body starts to settle down, until it finally stops it's battle against itself. "Finally" you think, "I can let him know that you're ok".

"Burrrrgh"

Wait, what? That wasn't a sentence. Just tell him that you're ok!

"Urrrrkkk" you mumble.

You have perfect presence of mind, but you can't tell anyone about it. Never mind that though, try and sit up. Nope, can't do that yet. Try and lie still at least? Come on body, work with me here. Oh fine, just roll around on the floor like an idiot then.

Wait, what's that you feel? You're going to be sick? Say something!

"Unnnghhh"

You don't think he understands, which is fair enough you suppose.

So you throw up on the floor a few times, while you moan and drool on the floor, and it just keeps coming. You don't quite know when this nightmare will end, after all, you're usually passed out at this point.

Finally, you can muster up a word or two;

"I'm alright"

Thank God. Mission complete. Now you can just lie there and wait until you can move properly again.

But wait, here comes the flurry of worry; "Oh God I'm going to be on more medication now, which makes me feel like a zombie as it is now! Does this mean that I won't ever be seizure free?? Will I ever be able to go back to uni? Where the hell is my life going, first a stroke and now this? WHEN DOES THIS END?!"

So there you lie, covered in various bodily fluids, aching and worrying. But hey, at least it's over right?

This, my friends, was my first "partial seizure", which occurred last Thursday. I have no recollection of any seizures before this one (which have all been tonic-clonic). Partial seizures are "better" because it means that the medication is sort of controlling the electrical signals that go crazy during a seizure. However, they feel horrific. Seriously.

All in all, this is a good thing, it means my medication is beginning to control my seizures, so hopefully, I will never have one again. I hope you enjoyed my account into the wonderful world of epilepsy.

EDIT: I know I've put a bit up about this before, this is just a more detailed account.

[cat3]

A very descriptive and touching account of a seizure, for the benefit of we who were fortunate enough to have escaped this dreadful aspect of brain injury.

Ben, I really believe that putting these episodes into black and white, so vividly, is sort of 'shouting back' at them and probably quite cathartic. Well done.......& maybe with the new meds regime and this attitude, you will force them into submission. I hope so. xx

[B_S_A in reply to cat3]

Yeah, one day, there won't be any more seizures.

[Sem2011]

A very honest and revealing account, which can only give everybody a greater understanding. Sounds b....... Frightening, but writing it down may be therapeutic . I find this so. Good luck buddy, you sound so strong and determine not to let. It beat you!

[B_S_A in reply to Sem2011]

Yeah it helps to write it down, but it is grinding away at me a bit at the moment.

[Molly15]

Hi Ben, Your account of the partial seizure has really shocked me. I had no idea that they were like that, and I feel for you so much. Steve, my husband, had his 5th tonic clonic 3 weeks ago, and every time we just hope that it is the last. Keep positive, you are an amazing young man and deserve to be free of these monsters. Very best wishes, and good luck.

Molly x

PS. I had thought the Headway site had closed down, I had no contact for a few weeks, but I seem to be getting messages again now. Am I the only one?

[cat3 in reply to Molly15]

Hi Molly. That's curious.........that you've been out of touch with Headway.....it could possibly explain why so many of our 'regulars' have been missing for weeks now. I had problems using the site for about a week (& I still don't think it's anywhere near as user-friendly as before) but I always knew it was still operating. I thought they must have been disillusioned with the site and chosen to leave (I nearly did) but there seem to be so many missing and ,after your comments,.......I wonder....

Maybe we should have a roll-call ?

Sorry for the hijack Ben x