Today's quote by husband

If you didn't stress so much and be angry you wouldn't be ill!!

So he doesn't get it! I slept most of today and been called.... lazy... bad mum... not a parent... selfish..but I still slept ...

Like I choose to be ill...

So I eventually dragged my body out of bed walked the dog... booked kids for a go kart walked around did laundry for an hr....

Then when home went to bed and got called a shit parent as I wouldn't take the kids to swimming....

So this is my life.....

It sucks....

But I have no help to change it ...

.......

10 Replies

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  • Well, yes, if you didn't stress so much you WOULD get better. Less stress is wonderfully restorative. Telling you you are a bad mum and lazy and willfully sick is NOT however a way to lessen ANYONE's stress. Whether it's a doctor or a hubby whingeing on like that, it's WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

    I for one am thrilled you rested for even a little bit today! Best thing for you! Hugses!

  • He is right though about the stress bit.

    He is wrong about the rest, and you don't need that. In fact if that is a good summary of your life, I would go so far as to say you need to ask yourself whether you need him. Sounds like you need him like a hole in the head....

    Why wasn't HE booking the children in to the gokarting and doing the laundry so that you could get a proper rest and then have a better chance at enjoying the next day? Why didn't HE take the dog for a walk?

    There are only 2 reasons for that sort of behaviour - 1 he thinks that because you get on and deal with all this stuff - and the housework etc at home - that actually you are fine and dandy and don't really have a problem with it (something that your insisting on resting will start to go against) -or 2 he does know but doesn't care.

    In the case of 1 you need to start putting yourself first. Proactive resting will help hugely to reduce your stress levels and yes, as Numisa said above that WILL help. It won't cure it, but your body will be in a much better condition to deal with the neuro issues if not flooded with adrenalin and other stress hormones. Make a plan to go and lie down in a quiet room with no disturbances allowed for 45 mins twice a day. Tell him when this will be and if the children are around because it is the hols or a weekend, then it is over to him. He can cope with 1.5 hours out of 24, surely?

    And then make up a list of his and hers jobs. Decide what you think his manly ego can cope with - painting, car washing, taking bins out, washing windows, anything outdoors around lawns hedges etc. All classic 'blue' jobs. Make a rule that you are never going to do these. Tell him so.

    And if its 2....you will find a number for Womans Aid if you google it. You are not expected to stay with someone who verbally abuses you and constantly puts you down...

    Time for reflection, I think.

  • Of course you get stressed and angry!! These symptoms are horrible, disabling and limit us in most things we could do with ease before! It's easier said than done to try not to stress as it takes quite some time to come to terms with what's going on with our bodies.

    I can imagine it's not helping one bit having someone badger you to do things you're physically and mentally incapable of doing at times. And with two kids to rear also... My heart goes out to you hon.

    Maybe your husband is in complete denial of your limitations!? I found that with my son for a period of time. He's 19 in June. He would get kind of stroppy if I couldn't do certain things. I find he has definitely opened his eyes more now to how I can be which has made a difference. He was home from college last weekend though and I asked him would he give the front lawn a run over with the mower and the answer I got was naaah. NOT ON!!! Kick up the bum for him!

    If your husband is actually just being nasty, then he needs a good talking to! Have you a friend or family member that could sit him down and make him realise what you're going through?

    Also, private mail any of us for support on tough days like you've mentioned. We are all in this together.

    Carolyn xxx

  • I agree with both nurmihusa and malalatete. Stress is part of everyone's life. If someone says they don't have any stress I would like to meet that person.

    I know you are in a difficult situation, you have kids and it sounds like you rely on your husband financially but what else does he bring to the relationship? When did he last do something nice for you? When did he say il take the kids out today and you have a break? When did he last make you laugh so much you couldn't stop? Or even smile?

    It's harder the longer you are in a relationship like this to get out. People like this are very clever at slowly wearing the person down so it may not seem extreme but if you think back to the personality you were before you were married are you still that same person?

    I had a best friend who got out after 20 years. Her husband was a minister and very well respected but by the end she wasn't allowed to watch TV even if he wasn't in the room and she wasn't allowed to buy the groceries or leave the house. She made a list and he bought them. Some might think what a great hubby who will do the shopping but it was his way of controlling her by leaving her with no money and no choices.

    She was also emotionally wrecked so he told their kids mummy was crazy when he was causing her crazy. She eventually got out, took the kids and stayed with a family member and it was hard but she is in a great relationship now but she saw a psychologist.

    I think you need to speak to someone. Ask your gp and I think you need to get out and get all those feelings in your head out. It's bad enough you are in this relationship but your health will not improve either.

    I know I sent you a message before that was more diplomatic but that was just incase he was reading.

    How do you think he would be if he was going through the same FND symptoms? You would probably be waiting on him hand and foot and he would be complaining all the time.

    People who behave like this are weak people. You are the strong one and don't ever forget that.

    I grew up physically and psychologically abused as a child, up until 35 years when I cut my parent out of my life. I always felt great guilt that this person didn't mean to be like this. Other factors had made them like this and I gave them thousands of chances to improve their behaviour. I eventually started giving warnings, I was lucky though as I was in another country by then But was getting abusive calls, but cut them off a few years ago and have never regretted it. I was also very lucky to have great friends from an early age and lots of support I know a lot of others don't. It's why when I worked in healthcare I always looked out for the kids I thought needed help other than our medical or surgical care. Just having a conversation with someone in need can make a huge difference.

    You always have us on this website, I actually had a bad day the other day and sent a really long message but it didn't go through and I was just having a whinge. I'm not going through what you are going through.

    I'd suggest making a gp appointment asap. Asking to see a psychologist who deals with this type of issue and saying it is an emergency. You can't go on a 12 week waiting list or whatever. Then see what help they can give you.

    You have multiple issues here which would be exhausting for a physically healthy person so explain your home life and your medical condition.

    If you go on the internet and type in 'power and control wheel' it will bring up a black and white wheel which was designed by a psychologist some time ago for woman in abusive relationships but see if you recognise yourself in any of this. I showed it to my friend years after she had left her husband and she said she wished she had known about it as every slice of the pie was about her life. Iv also written about it and said it could be used for bullying or abuse in childhood or adulthood, it is not just limited to women being abused by men, and I think this sort of thing needs to get taught in schools. Maybe children would come forward who are being abused and children who haven't been abused will learn that as they get older and go into relationships the areas in this wheel are abuse and it is not normal or acceptable.

    Also I know you just had a holiday. So some might say your husband works hard and provides for his family and takes them on holiday. What a great guy. But does he show you all love, respect and support?

    Also I know you worry about him checking on what you look at (a definite sign of control and abusive behaviour) so if you look up the wheel, remember to clear your cache on your computer after. I'd hate to think anything I say would harm you. I'm sorry but I'm truly worried for you.

    And I'm sorry for using the word abuse. You might not feel like that but just the wording he is using is abuse and imagine it's not the first time. Abuse can just be slowly wearing someone down until they lose all confidence and are controlled in a relationship.

    Sending hugs and hope you go speak to someone for professional advice and not someone who tells you to go home to your husband.

    Also I hate to say this because I know your kids have issues but maybe it would be better for them to be away from your husband. You obviously love them and that's what they need

    🤗🤗🤗🤗xxxxxx

  • Sorry can I also add something?

    Doctors can be great when it comes to relationship 'issues' so say you see your doc tell him what's going on and you need to see a psychologist specialised in family matters but your husband gets suspicious.

    Ask your doc if your husband can come along to see him on one visit and have a pre prepared story that you are having Physio sessions for your FND as it is getting much worse e.g.

    Iv found that docs will 'lie' to the partner to help their patient especially in situations like yours. It gives you some breathing space if you do decide to see someone and he is suspicious.

    The doc can tell him you are sick, you need Physio or whatever you decide on and that it will help your whole family by having these sessions as you will have more energy etc

    Xxxxx

  • Thank guys.... he won't go to any Drs with me he wouldn't even go tommy sons sessions when the psychologist begged him to attend to discus our sons problems. As far as he's concerned I drink too much coffee that's what brought on my first attack , since then it's that I'm psychotic , if I leave I won't see my kids again , it's goes on.... we're still on holiday and I'm cleaning as we speak... then laundry kids to go karts... he's gone shopping to replace an edging he broke driving and not paying attention..., and yes he refused to take the kids....talk later and thank you for your support xxx

  • Big hugs 🤗 Hun, but think you know your close to breaking, wishing I could help you but only person who can help is for you to ask for help, big step but first one the hardest. Sorry not much help, not been great for a while now, struggling with pain, fatigue but not sleeping so all jumbled. Love and my best wishes to you. Always Lisa. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

  • Thank you xxx

  • They gave out the first custodial sentence for controlling abusive behaviour a couple of weeks back. What you are putting up with is not only immoral, it is now illegal.

    You can get away from it. And there is help out there for those in your sort of situation. Call 0808 2000 247 any time day or night to speak to Womens Aid advisors who can tell you where you can go and who can support you through this...

  • Thank you xxx

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