Terrified during my IVF

[Margot85]

Hi there,

I am towards the end of my short protocol, it’s my first IVF cycle and my anxiety has been rising and rising since about day 5 when I started taking the Fyremadel. I’m also on Ovaleap, and last night took my trigger - Gonasi and a prescribed cabergoline. My scan yesterday was not brilliant, lots of follicles but not many at the size they want, but because the clinic isn’t open weekends it’s either do collection tomorrow or wait until Monday which would increase my risk of OHSS, so tomorrow it is.

And quite honestly I’m terrified. I’m terrified of the procedure, I’m terrified of OHSS, and then this feels so awful to admit but I’ve become terrified of pregnancy.

I’ve had endless scans and two years of TTC to get this point (I have endometriosis and signs of polycystic ovaries) but now I’m here I’m like ‘will I be able to cope with being pregnant if this ivf works’ and I now feel as scared of being pregnant as I do of not being pregnant.

I don’t know if it’s the ivf drugs mixing with my natural anxiety that have led to this paralysis of fear or what, but I’m starting to think ‘how can I go through with implantation - if we get any embryos - if I’m this scared’

I think the speed of the protocol has knocked me for six as well, suddenly it’s egg day!

Has anyone felt anything similar or relate? I feel suddenly quite overwhelmed by it all.

[Picalilli99]

Hey. I just wanted to say hold on in there lovely. I think all these anxieties are to be expected. IVF is such an emotional rollercoaster. When you get to this point close to potential transfer it can suddenly all feel more real which can suddenly just feel overwhelming (especially if it has been a long build up of a journey to get to this point). And all of the hormones you are pumped with probably just add to that! So just know that you are definitely not alone. One of the things I found helped a little was just trying not to allow myself to jump too far ahead with my “what if” thoughts. Trying to take it one day at a time instead can help to prevent the fears from spiralling (I know this can be easier said than done!). I found the free Mindful IVF app really useful in helping me with this as it provides a focus and has sessions for each step of the IVF process. Wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow xxx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Take a deep breath - relax It is natural to feel anxious during your treatment Just take each day as it comes -keep talking to your other half Try to take your mind off the treatment -if you can Re visit your favourite book and read it again - watch silly films - pick a box set and watch it back to back Good luck

Janet

[ZiggyandBC]

Hey I can completely relate to this. We’re due to start our first cycle soon and I’m terrified of it all and I’m terrified that if we get a positive then it’s 9 months of anxiety that it’ll all be taken away again somehow. I think it’s natural to be this anxious, we go through so much and it takes such an emotional toll. Does your clinic have a counsellor that you can talk to? I’m sure they’d be able to give you some advice and reassurance. Sending you lots of love and good luck for your egg collection ❤️

[Redsequin]

Hi lovely. I just wanted to say, I hear you!

I tend toward suffering from anxiety and have found the infertility experience, in particular IVF treatment, can exacerbate this.

I also have a lot of mixed feelings around the idea of maybe actually getting pregnant; I think partly for me it's because I've never had a positive pregnancy test so I just can't imagine it. It could also be because being part of the infertility community means you know all about the things that could possibly go wrong!

Here's a list of what I'm finding takes the edge off the worry/stress:

* Dealing with one day at a time and reminding myself I can't know what will happen next so there's no point giving it too much thought.

* Taking at least an hour every day to do something that helps me relax. For me, that's a bath, playing on my Switch or watching a comforting Netflix show.

* When I feel really bad I lie on an acupressure mat and listen to a guided meditation. The sensation of it is so strong it quiets my mind.

* Having a "project" outside work to focus on. I take a lot of time planning and cooking meals and writing short stories because they're things I enjoy.

* Taking time off working around procedures like egg collection so I'm not stressed about not being well enough to work.

* Listening to IVF This podcast to learn about how the brain works when faced with the struggles of IVF and what can help me shift perspective. (This one has been huge! I no longer feel anger, for example, when people inevitably say insensitive things).

I know we're all different, but I hope one or two of these ideas helps. Sending the biggest hug.

xxx

[Margot85 in reply to Redsequin]

Good call on the acupressure mat I will get that out tonight!

[Purpledoggy]

It might be worth talking to your clinic counsellor - although most people use them after a round, they are there whenever you need them (clinics in the UK have to offer one session per round included in your cycle). The other option is talking to an independent fertility counsellor, though you would obviously have to pay for that. I second the Mindful IVF app, and also I have used a general meditation/relaxation app called Mindset for insomnia and anxiety that has longer sessions than Mindful IVF. I really recommend trying one or both of them, and try to do it every day (I did it before going to bed). Your feelings are totally understandable and probably a combination of the drugs and general worry about the unknown. You can't do much about the drugs but talking it through with a counsellor or using a mindfulness app may help to reframe your worries. Make sure you treat yourself to whatever nice things you need to get through this and try to just take each day as it comes. If it makes you feel any better about egg collection, the sedation will totally zonk you out, blissfully unaware, and you will wake up in recovery feeling nice and sleepy. I was terrified of my first EC as well but cool as a cucumber for the second one and was like 'drugs please' 😂 xx

[Millbanks]

IVF can be hugely overwhelming! There is so much going on in your body its completely natural to feel like this.

I found the short protocol very short, I was expecting it to take much longer - but I found the whole egg collection process much better than I was expecting. Especially as a needle phobic!

I would echo what Picalilli99 says about taking it one day at a time. If you look ahead to the whole process, it does seem like a lot - whereas if you try to break it down in to smaller chunks it can seem more managable. I got myself a diary just for IVF so I could tick off what had been done and see what was still to come, but it helped me get my head around it more visually.

Ultimately you are doing this because you want a baby, and although that outcome seems a long way away, try to hold on to that reason.

I think a little bit of "head in the sand" helps too - just take it step by step and wishing you lots of luck xx

[MsLuna]

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I’m currently day 3 of a short protocol although I am doing this to try and make some embryos for later down the line as found out I had very low AMH and then became single so couldn’t try for a baby naturally at the moment.

I am emotionally all over the place so you are not alone. I am anxious, feel overwhelmed and spent most of yesterday crying rather than not! Trying to deal with a round of IVF and still getting over a break up is not fun it seems! Everyone keeps saying how exciting it is. I feel no excitement for it what so ever! I feel guilty I’m not excited!

What I’m trying to say is, there is no wrong or right way to feel. I have a counselling session next week and I think it is worth using that resource. I’m paying enough money for it! 🙈

I wish you lots of success with your cycle xx

[Margot85 in reply to MsLuna]

Yeah I find excitement a bit of a strength concept, I think I’m always on the nervous side of the coin, so actually for me the best feeling is when it’s over and I have relief. I don’t deal well with anticipation or the unknown!

[Margot85]

Thanks all, I have been doing the mindful IVF app, and IVF yoga during stimulation stage that I found on YouTube. And I do see a psychologist weekly - it’s actually to help with my grief since my mum died but this week have pivoted into IVF fear. I spoke to the clinic and they have recommended taking lorazepam tonight which the Gp did very quickly for me, so I’m really hoping that will settle the panic and the nausea.

Completely agree on the trying to stay in the moment and the task at hand, just it all seems to spiral. I don’t think it’s helping that when I had a lap for my endometriosis a few years ago the post and pre care was so awful I came away quite traumatised and I think that’s playing into a lot of the fear tomorrow - will history repeat itself. But it is a different procedure, a different clinic - and no general anaesthetic so hopefully it’ll be ok.

[Westcoastwestie]

I was so worried about the collection my husband said he could see it all over my face when we went in. But, the ladies on here assured me it would be ok and in some ways it is the easiest part. Honestly it was. After having a horrific experience with one of the tests I thought that the description and what they were doing would be awful but it was fine. It was like having a lovely nap and waking up to my husband and a cup of tea. You can do it.

As with the pregnancy anxiety I 100% understand. We work so hard to get to that point but I just keep worrying about how my life will change or if I will struggle with being pregnant etc. have you got a group of friends who you could go for dinner with. Ask them to help distract you. Spend an evening talking and laughing so your mind isn’t constantly ticking over this? Sounds like you have a really good hold on the meditation and talking about it side but maybe a good belly laugh with mates will help ease some of the anxiety.

[laffy]

I know it’s hard but try to breathe do some yoga or practice some mindfulness to focus on the positive things in your life away from treatment. Good luck xx

[Positivechangeplease]

Oh you poor thing. I was prescribed carbergoline before ivf when they found I had a raised prolactin level but for no reason they could find, I took one tablet that made me feel like I was on anti depressants (without being depressed) and decided not to take any more. If you’re taking this and all the rest it’s no wonder you’re having such a panic. As the others say try to take one day at a time. If it’s egg collection now don’t worry about the embryos just think about being calm for the procedure. Maybe try some meditation/yoga/Pilates and/or acupuncture too. I found I was getting stressed and took up yoga as a way to relax.

[Loveheart6]

Good luck with your egg collection lovely. It’s normal to have all these worries. They said I’d just have 4 follicles big enough but they collected 9 on the day. You’ll be awake before you know it after egg collection and recovering relaxing at home. It’s an incredibly challenging experience ivf and no one understands unless they have been through it themselves. Extremely isolating and constant worries. Try and think as Many positive thoughts as you can and if you get down you know what… that’s absolutely fine… just pick yourself up again in a little bit. I hope you have some good support x x

[Alienor]

I’m on day 7 of stimulation of first IVF cycle and like you endo and potential PCOS. It is definitely overwhelming and terrifying. Somehow I’m in a better place now that I was a week ago. I’ve been doing mindful IVF, acupressure mat, yoga….and also treating myself daily with either some nice food, a bath… I’m trying to be kind to my body/myself as much as I can and taking it a day at a time. Another thing I’ve been doing is affirmation in the morning. One that I’ve stolen from mindful IVF that I love: “I’m doing my best with the tools I’ve been given”. Might feel a bit ridiculous saying this out loud in front of a mirror but you need to hear it and keep it in mind 😊. All the best!

[Bigdreamer2021]

I can completely relate. Through my various rounds of treatment I’ve had to constantly remind myself that I’m on a lot of hormones so it’s completely normal for everything to feel overwhelming. I remember the nurse saying you’re pumping your body with hormones so its like everything magnified by a hundred. Meditation really helped me (the Calm app is ace) and just being kind to myself. Remind yourself you’re doing great and all these feelings are completely normal. Wishing you all the best for egg collection x

[AcuFertilityDoc]

Well stated. Thanks for sharing your experience so that other women terrified for the same reasons don’t feel alone. ❤️

[Littlepeax]

I was terrified of egg collection but the lovely people on here helped me through it ❤ its such an overwhelming feeling, all of it! Take one step at a time. You are doing amazing 🥰 whenever I feel anxious I try and turn those feelings into excitement instead.

I also think counselling can really help (something I haven't tried myself yet) but I know it really helps others. You are not alone ❤💫