Many of you may remember my story and how I became pregnant through IVF back in July. I carried my beautiful boy for 22 weeks and 1 day when I woke in pain on Saturday morning. By 11am the pain was excessive and I was rushed to hospital where I was told I was 4cm dilated and my boy was on his way.
We were quickly told that his survival rate was nearly impossible and my boy was born sleeping at 3:19pm. Leo Ellis was the best gift I have ever been given and I am so grateful to be his mummy but I am so broken that I am constantly wondering how to carry on. I feel lost, pointless, guilty, and overwhelmed for every second of the day that I am awake.
I’m sorry to anyone who finds this upsetting, I just have no where else to express.
Written by
MomaJoni
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I'm so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I don't know what to write as I feel my words always fail in these kind of situations. But you are absolutely right to share your experience and I want to make sure you are 'heard'. I hope you have some loving people who can look after you during these difficult days. You have posted such a beautiful picture which such a beautiful perfect little hand. Sending hugs and love x
I am so sorry to read this post. I was also successful with Ivf cycle in July and lost our little boy in the first trimester.
Perhaps I can’t full understand as you were further along in the pregnancy but I had 2 miscarriages now and I felt exactly the same way, what you are feeling is totally natural, it is a traumatic and painful experience. You are not alone and I promise you with time it will get better. If you want to talk PM me.
Sending you love and strength at this difficult time x
So sorry, it's so heartbreakingly sad. I send you love and strength. I hope the words you read here from women at various stages of their personal fights will provide some comfort. So much love ❤
Words are so inadequate but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to read this. Nobody should have to go through something like this. Sending love as this time xx
What a beautiful picture of your little Leo's hand!!💙😢 I'm so desperately sorry that you only had a short time together, just heartbreaking. Sending lots of love. I hope you have lots of support around you, dont be scared to ask for help!!xxx
Oh my god I'm so so sorry. I lost my daughter Amelia at 20 weeks pregnant last November she had no heartbeat at our 20 weeks scan so I had to be induced and birth her. It is the most horrendous grief ever. I'm a year on and some days are still very tough even though we are blessed with our 2 year old daughter Francesca ( after a 7 year struggle) and after losing Amelia and another 2 early miscarriages I am now 27 weeks pregnant. I am very grateful to be given another chance but I still grieve Amelia and nothing will ever stop that. A midwife who I saw just after receiving my devastating news who had also lost a baby at 20 weeks too said " it's a long difficult road ahead but eventually it will get a bit easier to live with." I didn't believe her that it would ever get better but with time and the right support I am able to live a life yes I miss her terribly always will do but I am able to enjoy my life with my husband and toddler I believe this is what she would want. My Aunt and Uncle lost their son at 18 years old and described the early days as carrying an elephant up a hill I love that description. You will need lots of medical and family support. I can also recommend SANDS. There are lots of women of women who've had similar losses some are IVF pregnancies some are natural but everyone understands the grief you are going through. My Gp prescribed diazepam and anti depressants to get me through the early difficult days. I tried counselling but found it too painful to discuss Amelia. But for some it's helpful. Expect the grief to be different to your partner- no one will feel this loss like the mother will. It's not their fault it's just not possible. My husband obviously devastated said it would've been worse if Francesca had suddenly just died as she'd been born and he had a bigger bond with not that he didn't love Amelia but couldn't be as attached as she was inside me. Surround yourself with positive people. Sometimes it's shocking what people will say to someone who is grieving. My mother in law has no clue- when we found out we were expecting another girl she said " now you are having another baby you can put what happened last year behind you" 😡 You will never will forget the special baby that grew their angel wings and you wouldn't want to either. People can be thoughtless. Be careful who you spend time with. Feel free PM me anytime Xx
Oh noooooo this is so unfair I am so sorry for your loss and pain I don’t no the right thing to say I feel so cold and pain seeing this why does this things keep happening? This is so sad. Please take your time to grieve and take good care of yourself wishing you all the strength and love to get past this nightmare
I am so sorry for your pain. Grief is something that we carry forward with us and I am so sorry for the dark place you are in. I wish you peace and whatever comfort you can find.
I’m so sorry. Sending strength and peace. You never have to apologise, share and talk about Leo as often as you need/want. I will be thinking of you. Xx
Hi momajoni , I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy Leo Ellis , I know nothing anyone can say will take away this pain. The heart truly aches after the loss of your child , it almost feels like the heart is shattered beyond repair. To be a parent with out a child to raise is torture. I say this because my daughter was also stillborn on 18th September at 34 weeks, she was perfect. I am too truly honoured to be her mummy & her memories are getting me by each day.
She was our miracle ivf baby. It almost feels like torture when you finally get pregnant after fertility treatment for the dream to come to an end especially when you think all’s going so well.
I took lots of photos of my girl which i look back on everyday.
Did you get to take photos & spend time with your son after his birth ? I’ve tried to keep occupied by making memory shelf in her room with keepsakes.
I can relate to his you feel , everyday I wake up thinking what is the point in this , why & how to carry on , everything has changed , o just wish she was with me & nothing will change that.
I have joined the sands forum, not sure if this is something you’d be interested in .
I haven’t had any counselling as yet , I hope you have lots of support around you .take care . Xx
I'm so sorry that you have lost your little girl, my heart goes out to you. I dont really have the words and sont suppose it would help even if there were any....I'm thinking of you! Lots of love.xxx
I am so so sorry 😞 my heart is wrenching reading this. I am going through a miscarriage and finding it hard but to carry for 22 weeks…..😢Please know that you are in all of our thoughts. You will always be Leo’s mummy… you carried him his whole life and will love him for all of yours.
Oh gosh I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your much loved little Leo. It’s just heartbreaking 💔 I’m so sorry that you are going through this and that your time with him was cut so short. Please reach out for support if you can and know that you can always do so on here. We may find it hard to find the right words but know that we are all thinking of you and sending love 💕 Take care lovely xx
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**Sensitive** birth -low AMH/AFC & average graded embryo
