Going again with IVF after miscarriage - help and advice needed

[hopefulandscared]

Hi, I don't know where to start and have a feeling it is going to be a long one but since I started my period two days ago (and essentially my fourth round of IVF) I have not been able to sleep properly.

We started our IVF journey over two years ago, after trying for three years previous. I have PCOS. We did our egg collection on the day of the Queen's funeral (and my husband's birthday) and we ended up with 12 embryos. It took us a few goes to get to the first embryo transfer, as between regular work stress and OFSTED turning up in the middle of one attempt, stress kept affecting my progesterone levels. Unfortunately, the first transfer didn't stick and after a couple of months going and stopping again the second transfer didn't work. I got into a position that I knew no one else had gone through, everyone else I knew that had IVF, their IVF had worked the first time, I felt so alone as no one seemed to understand. On top of that my job as a Head of Department in a Secondary school time and time again was causing so much stress that my treatment kept getting affected. That was when we decided it would be best for me to take a career break to concentrate on our fertility treatment.

I knew this was the right thing to do as our third IVF transfer worked two months after I finished work! OMG the ugly tears with joy were unimaginable. I have never felt so much happiness, and a feeling of content like that before. At 34 I was finally going to be a Mum - the one thing I have wanted more than anything for as far as I can remember. My blood tests were coming back perfectly, so much so I joked with my Husband that it could even be twins (they run in both our families). Then a few weeks later (5 days before our Early Scan) the day before my Husband's birthday (nearly a year to our egg collection) I was discussing going out for a meal to celebrate his first birthday with Sprout (our nickname for our little one), I had been having light cramps all day but knew this could be normal but then I had a pulling cramp that I just put down to hunger. I went to the toilet and I just knew our little bubble of love and happiness was over.

We had to go to the clinic for an emergency scan, where they confirmed that Sprout was gone, but a little bit of them was holding on so I had to go for another scan a few days later to check the progress of our miscarriage otherwise I may need to have surgery. A few days later, Sprout was completely gone.

The couple of months that followed were lots of tests and repeat biopsies, as they showed I had a slight issue with clotting, evidence of strep that needed to be cleared and an extremely low level of good bacteria in my womb. We also did PGTA testing on our remaining 9 embryos. 4 came back normal and 1 as mosaic (still don't know what that means but if we get to the stage where we have to use it we will need to do genetic counselling).

I am still thinking about Sprout though. They will always be my baby to me, I am still their mum even though I only got 6 weeks with them and never got to meet them.

Now we are at the stage where we have been given the go-ahead to try with our first transfer and I am back on my meds again for a FET. I am so scared. I have not slept properly the last two nights and even cried myself to sleep last night (it was quite soothing though if you get me). I have been discussing my feelings with my Husband and it is reassuring that he is feeling the same as me. We are scared of having to go through with the grief and disappointment again. I am so scared of the transfer not working, and feeling like I have taken one step forward in going through all the tests, to then take a thousand steps backwards. I am even more fearful of having to go through a miscarriage again - I don't know if I am strong enough to do that again. Don't get me wrong I am still hopeful of it working and am weirdly excited to do my IVF, but that nagging fear gets to me at times.

I wish I could talk to my family, I love them to absolute bits, but I am the first one to ever do IVF let alone have a miscarriage. They tried to be supportive but my parents kept trying to wrap me up in bubble wrap which just stressed me out, and my sister kept trying to say things that made me feel better but it just made me feel worse. And because I know they mean well I don't feel comfortable upsetting them by telling them they are doing it wrong. I haven't told them that we are doing IVF again, but I know they suspect it. I wish I could talk to friends but my friend who went through IVF (worked her first time) tends to say things like "It is all in God's plan" or "Try not to think about it" and I have given up telling her that doesn't help - it is just her mentality. My other friends are from a culture where this isn't discussed and anything sex-related is not talked about - a very Catholic country.

I am happy enough talking with my Husband as I know he gets it and doesn't try to placate me but I also don't want him to worry - after all, it is technically all up to me to take the meds, go to the scans, and hopefully carry our little baba.

I guess I just want to know if there is anyone out there who went through IVF after a miscarriage and if you have any tips on getting through this fear as I don't want stress to affect this attempt.

[RedFox23]

Hi Hopefulandscared, I could have written your post myself, it’s uncanny.

We have been ttc for years too. Sadly, our first transfer failed. Work was so stressful as a phase lead/core subject lead etc that I quit and decided to take on supply teaching instead. Our first FET was a success and I couldn’t believe it, our little embaby had been transferred on my birthday and I just knew it wa a good omen. Then, at the 12 week scan we were told our babies heart had stopped - it was crushing.

Like you, my family and friends want to support me but no one has any experience of ivf or miscarriage so I don’t like to talk about it. My Mom is very religious and can’t quite get her head around the process she means well but has told me to ‘not leave it much longer’ and to ‘eat healthily so I can get pregnant’ - if only it was that simple.

I’m booked in to have a baseline scan and discuss my next FET on Tuesday but I am so anxious. This is our last frostie and I’m so desperate for it to work but fear it’ll either be unsuccessful or worse another miscarriage. I’m totally at a loss with what to do, I almost cancelled the appointment today because I don’t think I’m strong enough just yet, but at 35 I also feel like time isn’t on my side.

I also felt like I had dealt with the miscarriage grief but went to dinner with a friend tonight and she told me she’s pregnant. I’m happy for her but once again crushed.

This is such a difficult journey, with way more lows than highs. Wishing you ALL the best x