I’m writing this at 3 AM. I can’t sleep, which is typical. My brother saw a mouse in our kitchen last night, and although he has already disposed of it, cleaned everything, and set more traps, I’m still freaking out! I keep imagining—and feeling—mice touching me and crawling on me. My bedroom is super far away from the kitchen, but I still keep imagining mice entering my room and crawling on and in my bed.
I pee 5-10 times per night (which is a standing problem), but now I’m doing weird things like switching the light on and off rapidly or slamming a drawer to scare any mice away. And I can’t pee because of the anxiety, but I keep feeling the urge, anyway.
This is probably way too much information. I guess I’m looking for reassurance that anxiety and fixation get better with time… I’m just going along, doing the best I can, and something jumps out at me or disrupts my life, and it takes days or weeks for me to get back on track. I’m exhausted in every way.
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kitnkaboodle
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Hi Kit, Not sure I can be any help but this sounds fairly in line with the anxiety states that can occur with Enc. I find I tend to overreact to things which I previously took in my stride. We sometimes call it 'flying off the handle' and it's very hard to unwind from this state as seemingly innocuous events can continue to reinforce the problem.
A while back it took me a couple of days to get over knocking over a glass of water and I couldn't face doing Christmas cards this year - just the thought of getting addresses and cards mixed up made me upset.
'A mouse loose aboot the house' wouldn't normally be a problem for you I guess but once the fear gets in your head it's very hard to shake it off. Uncertain and unpredictable things are very hard to cope with I find, especially when combined with the realisation that at one time you/I could have coped.
Distraction may help, reading a book, watching TV or surfing the web - just stay clear of Amazon (especially Prime!). I find books the best as you can absorb at your own pace.
Playing 'patience' with cards or getting on with some task like sorting clothes. It's very hard when your judgement is disrupted and you can't get things straight again. Reminds me of a skidding car when each turn of the wheel just makes thigs worse.
In hospital I found the lack of physical contact a bit upsetting but then once when I was crying a nurse came and gave me a hug after closing the curtains - but that gave me even more worries! What did it mean? Oh dear, it can be never ending ....
Writing a diary, sketching or painting a picture may let off some emotions, listening to or playing music may help. I was very touched by hearing 'I'd rather go blind by Etta James' very uplifting - lots of stuff on Fbook, early Rolling Stones cheers me up.
If you haven't cried much since the start of Enc. there may be a lot of worries, griefs and fears that are bottled up somewhere. You could try asking your GP for a referral for counselling (long waiting time?), or see if there is medication that works. They had something for my suicidal thoughts that seemed to work very well. A good cry works wonders sometimes.
Other options are dangerous sports, rock climbing, potholing, cycle racing, sailing, canoeing, cycle commuting, meeting unusual people, etc. - knocking over a glass of water can start to seem minor. Probably not something your GP would recommend but there plenty of friendly clubs about.
I'll close up now and I hope this hasn't been going in completely the wrong direction (that's my anxiety popping up! - it's almost like an old but rather unhelpful friend - ha ha, oh dear).
I’ve implemented a lot of them, like reading, listening to music, and sorting clothes. I looked up the song you suggested; it’s lovely. And I do think you’re right about bottling up emotions. I try to journal and let it all out.
I will admit that mice freaked me out before E, but it’s different now. A lot more perseveration. Also, it’s not just one! We’ve caught four in the past week. Ugh. But maybe I’m getting desensitized.
Hi Kit, I'm glad you found it helpful. I thought maybe I had veered off in the wrong direction. I'm finding my sense of taste a problem at the moment - nothing tastes like it used to and if my wife offers me a cup of tea, I've no idea what to say - what will it be like? Frequently if I do say yes, I will forget all about it until later when I wonder what that cup of tea is doing there. If I'm feeing pretty OK it may not be a big problem but if I'm feeling a bit low it can be another downer. Memory and taste loss seem to be one of the slower things to recover but there are lots of things that seem to be improving. Spring and Summer are on their way so that's great to look forward to. Hurray!
Things don't taste like they used to and it seems to vary from day to day.Even strong coffee is unrecognizable - tricky.Ah well, just have to keep going, here's the parts that deal with taste.
Absolutely. I now hate chocolate and hot ‘n sour soup, and I love beef and onions. Chocolate has this sickening smell and chemical taste, while beef is one of my only and simple joys.
Hi Kit - All sounds very familiar to me. Anxiety and depression (the black dog!) are my biggest challenges at the moment.
I’m told it’s all part of the journey and it should ease over time. I’m therefore avoiding going to the doctor for medication at the moment and am determined to manage this myself.
Like you it doesn’t take much to upset me. The nights are also the worst for me.
I find sitting in a quiet room listening to an audio book for an hour a day helps relax me. Try listening or reading to a book called “Where the crowdads sing” - a story of how a young, North Carolina girl struggles through an early life of loneliness and abandonment to find the way to love and happiness. It was incredibly difficult for her but she found a way!
I agree with everything Gandalf has said so won’t repeat, but would emphasis that a good cry is a guaranteed way of relieving pent up emotion and the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. A loving cuddle from a family member or friend always helps me in this way.
There’s no quick fix but please take comfort in the fact that this is a phase that many of us are going through on our journey. It’s tough Kit but we are up to it! Keep strong, keep positive….keep posting.
Same here—anxiety and depression are par for the E course, I’d say. (And they have subsided for me over time!) But, like you, I just don’t want to medicate for that. I find that making my life as simple and stable as possible is best. A mouse problem (we’ve caught four in one week) is inherently unpredictable, and therefore stressful for me. But, I just avoid the kitchen now, and my siblings take care of all that.
Nights are also the worst time of day for me. I’ve found that going to bed early (7 or 8) and reading a bit helps, even if I wake later in the night, which is typical for me. I also love getting hugs from my siblings at bedtime—like I’m a little kid.
Sorry to hear of your latest mouse-induced difficulties in your recovery journey. Yes, G2 and Remos have already offered some great advice based on their experiences, so I won't write too much. Only to remind you that you are very early in your recovery and that these bouts of overly emotional reactions are commonplace with us encephalitis survivors.
As folks can probably tell, I like to maintain a sense of humor in all, if I can. In that spirit, I believe that you may wish to invoke the power of your screen name here, and get yourself a cat!! Strangely enough, the year I went to the hospital was the same year that an abandoned, and very pregnant cat appeared on my porch. That August, 3 new kittens presented themselves and took up permanent residence here. I used to have a problem with critters too, but the kittens grew up and made sure that nothing gets within 10 feet of the house now!
So for you and everyone else, here is a pic of the 3 kitties taken in December of 2018. Wishing everyone the best possible Christmas. (You probably have to click on the pic to get it to enlarge, though. Otherwise you can't see the kitties very well.)
Thanks, I can always count on you to provide the funny animal story!
You know, my townhouse complex has about five outdoor cats wandering around at any given time. It seems like they are getting lazy! They need to get back to work!
Real question: What is your take on “early in recovery”? 2 years? Remind me of your year?
My kitties said they would provide free training for those lazy ones that you are seeing!! Are the cats you are seeing owned? If not, there's your opportunity to form your own Kitty Mouse-Eradication Posse!!
Early in recovery is to me, within 2 years. After that, bigger changes started happening for me. (I went to the hospital in April 2018, so that is the beginning reference point.)
From being in the hospital to completion of year one, everything was all jumbled up physically and mentally. I wasn't able to do much of anything. I was overly emotional and tired all the time. My ability to deal with/assess things was poor to bad, resulting in an in appropriate response and/or overreaction. This was the worst time of all for me!
(You are about here in the timeline of your recovery.)
Year one to completion of year 2, the highly emotional things started to settle a bit more and the physical problems started to settle down. I still couldn't do very much at all.
Year 2 to completion of year 3, I still had major physical difficulties and the psychological ones started to settle down even more. With great difficulty, very late in year 3, I was able to make an attempt to go back to my old job with VERY limited hours.
Year 3 to now, I have made great strides in improvement! I managed to keep my job, which was beyond difficult at times. I am doing a much better job of keeping my house and property tidy. Lots of other good things happening and for the first time since my hospitalization, I actually can see the beacon of hope shining on the horizon!! Not very brightly yet, but at least I can see it now!
I know that there may be limitations on how much I will improve, and how quick the improvements can/will happen.
For you, it may happen quicker and more completely. Unfortunately, we all sustain different injuries which require more or less time to recover from. My timeline of recovery will not be exactly the same as yours. I don't want to be a "Debbie Downer", and I also don't want to fill you will false hopes/expectations. I hope that makes sense.
There are tons of details and tales that I cannot type here! I just hope that you can see that as illogical and downright frustrating as it can be, your recovery is happening, just not as quickly and as completely as you might like! The old saying is that "Time Heals All Wounds". May it be so, and quickly!
Instead of an animal pic, this time I will include a pic of an item I have taken delivery of. It is a great way to do physical and mental workouts as I continue to heal. I will never be a great organist, but now I can try!! The entire house does shake and pieces of plaster have broken loose here! LOL!
Thank you for the thoughtful response, OldGnome. I appreciate it very much and have returned to read it again and again until I had the energy and inspiration to respond.
Usually, the transition to a new year is a time of serious reflection for me, but I noticed that’s a bit different this year. I think it’s because I’m on a different calendar than other people these days. The mark of my “new year” seems to now be October 18, the day I fell ill. From that date, I measure the passage of time and celebrate milestones.
My life is completely different now. I have lost much, but I have also gained much; the gains are less obvious to outsiders. Most obviously, I don’t have the same lifestyle, goals, plans, or milestones as anyone else my age. I also can’t do most of the things they can do. I grieve the losses, but I don’t resent any of it. For example, my siblings went to an NYE party last night, and I rejoiced in their joy.
I’ve accepted my limited life—on most days. I understand it will take years to recover. I recognize I might never fully recover, and I am sure I am unlikely to feel like I never got sick. God’s peace rests on me, and He gives me strength to endure.
Happy New Year. Enjoy playing your organ! I love its sound.
Hi Kit, anxiety and depression are a problem for me too. I get more anxious at night when it is dark outside. Mornings are not great either as I wake up unsure about where I am, what happened to me, then the depression sets in as I gradually recall my AE problems. My doctor prescribed an antidepressant that helps me be feel less anxious and depressed. Not a cure by any means but it takes the edge off and i'm grateful for that. Hope this helps.
Thanks for your insight and support, Archer. I can relate to your morning stress: I wake, and for the second before I regain true consciousness, I am hopeful I am healthy again. Then, I yawn, my body stretches and starts convulsing (I have a movement disorder). My limbs feel lead-heavy. The shakes and spasms remind me of all that happened, and I resign myself to another day of this limited life. It’s difficult sometimes, but I try to be grateful in spite of the suffering. Let’s try to be thankful for the little things—like this online community.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear about your mouse problem! I had a cat for 18 years who kept that issue under control!
How are you now regarding the anxiety brought about by the mice? I know it was really anxiety-inducing for you and it sounds like it upset your night's sleep too!
Apart from the unwelcomed visitors (mice) how are you finding life after encephalitis? It's very common to have a mixture of difficulties after encephalitis. Anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis due to encephalitis. I am in regular contact with my GP and I also attend a psychiatrist. I find as you say doing things like going for walks, listening to music really helps me too! I also attend therapy which has helped me learn how to manage my anxiety as it got to the point where it was affecting my day-to-day life. Have you ever thought about looking into the possibility of chatting to someone about how you're feeling?
I reached out to the encephalitis society who have been such an amazing support to me and my family and still continue to be! Here is a fact sheet on how encephalitis can affect us emotionally - encephalitis.info/emotional...
Here is a video detailing the emotional affects of encephalitis - youtu.be/jIALPZpo2ig
Thanks for the input! I’ve read those ES materials before, but I think the video is new, so I’ll watch that.
My anxiety about the mice has mostly abated. I think the stress of the holiday season and hosting family dinners (not that I was doing the work) was also affecting me. I need countless peaceful days strung together; I don’t do well with surprises or disruptions…
I saw a psychotherapist for 10 months, but we had to move back on Zoom. It was fine overall, but I noticed I was repeating myself every week. Not sure if it was me or her, but I’d prefer to move forward somehow in conversation! I live with two of my siblings, who are also my best friends. They help and support me on every level.
Hoping you’re doing well, too! I see you contribute to most posts. It seems like you have a lot figured out after 4 years.
Ah I had a similar experience with a therapist a few years ago. I took a break and now I'm seeing a therapist from Headway which is a brain injury organization in Ireland! I feel like they really understand me compared to the other therapist!
That sounds nice! My therapist didn’t understand ABI, which seems like the typical experience among E patients. Glad to hear you found Headway! Haha kind of a pun
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