A member (newdawn) has written a blog here about this being their first Christmas with CLL (2012).
It happens to be my second.
Newdawn writes of changes, in certainty, fear, everything, and blesses us all with hopes for better treatments in the coming year.
Of course, human emotions cloud reality. The big C, death, dying, leaving loved ones, and the deepest of cuts, leaving children. Of course, these fates could befall us at any time, CLL or no.
So let us step back and take pause. What is really changed? "Er, hello! I have Cancer, which part of that do you fail to understand?" No, that is the answer to another question. May I respectfully suggest the following...
In reality, far less than perhaps some think, who share their first Christmas with CLL, and who are, to all intents and purposes, essentially well.
Anyone could have died this morning, in their car, on a bus, a train, a plane, or walking down the street. And they have, people in perfect health. It could have been me, perhaps on my motorbike as I try to hit my knee on the road as I pull the bike over around a fast bend. That is such a thrill. I could have died from CLL, I could yet die from CLL. I could well survive CLL.
There is one thing I will not do, nor has anything else in existance, from single celled organisms to galaxies, I will not survive life, it is always fatal.
So, my prospects for dying on some unknown day in the future have not, in reality, changed. I will die, I must die.
Well, what has changed then?
Fear of the unknown. A potentially unpleasant unknown, but fear none the less. Fear of dying. Is it simply that? No, of course it is not.
It is also the manner of one's dying, that focuses the attention. It is the fear of a terrible death, subconsciously we want to know we will die well.
You can die well and it can be a very long way away.
I wish you and your CLL a very Merry Christmas, and look forward to wishing only you a Merry Christmas.