Feeling guilty

[Cindy1462]

Does anyone else feel guilty on the odd occasion that they feel normal and happy? Whenever I start to feel happy it's as if my brain reminds me that I'm ill and shouldn't feel happy because it won't last. I know I should relish the rare times of feeling normal but I can't seem to let them last long.

[Peggy4]

Hi Cindy. It's probably not guilt you're feeling-more just a reminder from your brain that you have cause NOT to be happy. Of course you should be happy for your own sake and those who love you. Guilt should only be felt if happiness is taken at someone else's expense.

Enjoy the happy times, there will be many more to come I'm sure. And it may last, for a few of us treatment may be a long way off and there is much to be hopeful about for the rest.

Best wishes.

Peggy

[Cindy1462 in reply to Peggy4]

Thanks Peggy. Yes guilty is propably not the right word. It's like the little CLL devil is sitting on my shoulder poking me every time I'm about to forget about it for a few minutes! Hopefully I'll learn to poke it back-hard! X

[Peggy4 in reply to Cindy1462]

I know exactly what you mean. I've repeated often what my consultant said to me ''You are going to have to learn to live with this,the main word is LIVE. It's like living with a black cloud over your head. But sometimes how much it rains depends on you'' Wise words?

Peggy

[Ajkeli73]

...and when it rains it pours. Hard to get use to this little devil of a CLL pulling you down it to a dark scary corner.

[CLLCalifornia-USA]

No guilt for me! I've had chemotherapy twice and will be facing a third treatment later this year. I make every day a special one and so should you. We don't know what tomorrow will bring with or without CLL. Enjoy every minute of life. Every day is a gift. We are supposed to enjoy it whether we are blind, deaf, have cancer, heart disease and the list goes on.......You deserve to be happy. Kindest regards, Sally

[Bexsue]

No, I'm happy and grateful that my CLL doesn't impact at all on my life at this point. I hope you will also have continued good health and learn to enjoy feeling normal and happy and make the most of your life. If your mind continues on a negative path, maybe seek some advice or try some meditation or mindfulness. So many people after a cancer diagnosis don't get the opportunity to continue to live a relatively normal life for potentially many years.

[Newdawn Administrator]

Hi Cindy,

I was so pleased to see your post because for the past few days I'd been thinking along the same lines and a number of recent posts had set me thinking on the subject of guilt, acceptance and how we individually adapt to a cancer or life changing diagnosis.

A recurring theme lately has been around the issue of whether having this cancer should strengthen our appreciation of the life and opportunities we can enjoy or does having this, by its very nature, deplete and impact on our ability to do so?

I keep hearing wonderful expressions like, 'having this has made me re-evaluate my life and see the beauty around me more vividly. It's made me make more use of every moment.' And I genuinely love those sentiments but the truth is, do I really feel them? And am I failing myself and those around me by not seizing the cancer challenge as an opportunity?

The notion of the self affirming, positive cancer 'sufferer' pervades and so often we hear of cancer being a brave struggle, heroically fought. Even worse is the reminder that perhaps in the scheme of things, we are quite lucky. Never have I heard a less useful and more guilt inducing expression than, 'it could be so much worse, some people are so much worse off than you. You need to count your blessings.' Of course we know that and feel even more guilt at not embracing our alleged more fortunate position but deep down it doesn't always help.

So I confess to feeling like you Cindy and it's not because I'm a negative, pessimistic person. It's because regardless of whatever wonderful is going on around me, that carefreeness has left me a bit and I've had to learn to adapt to that. It isn't that I feel unworthy or guilty about enjoyment, it's simply the fact that some certainty, some 'throw caution to the wind' feeling has dissipated and no matter what I do, I can't claw it back. It's a feeling I've previously described as 'zestlessness'. It's not that I'm in the depths, simply that I can no longer hit the heights. And I don't know if that feeling resonates with people. It's like I'm carrying a secret vulnerability that impacts without invitation.

I think it's also important to say that in all things there is a hierarchy and cancer is no different. On this site we have people who have indolent, non symptomatic CLL unlikely to ever need treatment to those battling Richters and struggling to find treatments after a succession of failed ones. But the one thing I've discovered is stage and severity isn't always the biggest indicator of acceptance and ability to cope. We all bring a uniqueness of personality and emotional resilience to this experience that's as individual as our CLL profile. Co-morbidities, economic security, level of support, socio-economic position and age can influence massively how this condition impacts on us and ultimately our families.

So what I'm saying, and probably a bit clumsily today, is never feel guilty about feeling guilty. Enjoy what you can, try not to over-think and catastrophise but do what you need to protect your own way of coping. And if I'm not able to be a cheery cancer sufferer some days, so be it!

Best wishes,

Newdawn

[Cindy1462]

Thank you so much Dawn! Yes I was feeling guilty about feeling guilty! I can't express myself as eloquently as you have but that is exactly how I feel. I hate voicing my negative thoughts but I think it's a way of protecting myself so that when things get worse I expected them so hopefully I won't be too shocked, if you know what I mean. I will try to work on enjoying the times I feel normal and happy but I just have to accept that life will never quite be the same. I'm off to sit in the sunshine and eat a magnum ice cream and hopefully put CLL on the back burner! Cindy. Xxx

[shoshanaz]

I've sometimes felt like I wasn't taking this disease seriously enough, because I was not being emotional enough about it. Realistically, it is always there in the background of my thoughts, but I truly appreciate the times when I don't think about it and just enjoy the moment that life is offering to me. It is easier right now for me, because I do feel pretty well -- and I am thankful for that, more than feeling guilty.

[sandybeaches]

Just remember to slather yourself in sunscreen! And enjoy your ice-cream - guilt free!

Sandybeaches

[ballyhoo]

I don't feel guilty I feel very lucky and live life the best I can. It's hard sometimes but I'm very Thankful. Best wishes to you and all.