The minor fall and the major lift

[Steppenwolf]

An introduction and a post. The username Steppenwolf comes from the Herman Hesse character, not the mythological reference. Like some of you I didn’t acquire my visible difference until later in life. Shortly following a disastrous (and unwelcomed on my part) divorce. A traumatic childhood led to very poor self-esteem, a troublesome adolescence, and in hind-sight an unwise choice in marital partner.

Following the divorce I was a mess. Psychologically, neglecting specifics, I was experiencing the grief of effectively losing my family. My medical status succumbed to the stress, with dramatic results. Little did I realize at the time how much of an extra burden this would be in resolving my initial devastating grief.

For the last 6 or so years I have had facial palsy on one side. It is commonly perceived by “people” however that it is my other related, issues which are more significant. I could not disagree more. And I would bet a million dollars that they would change their minds given a day to walk in my shoes.

Some may say “tis better to have loved and lost ….”, and I wouldn’t entirely disagree myself.

I don’t claim to be an expert in cultivating romantic relationships, however I have been fortunate enough to have experienced it several times in my life. It is very clear that things are very different now. I on the other hand am only considerably different in one respect. Appearance is a significant issue in cultivating romantic relationships. Whether or not it is valid or fair, it is the truth. I am experiencing grief on top of grief. Both due to an ambiguous loss. This on top of the broken base I had to start with.

Genuine acceptance of this truth is another matter. Of course I hope and wish to meet someone. I struggle everyday with how I can accept this without abandoning hope. I don’t have an answer. “Will having a partner make everything else go away?” On a good day I can answer so boldly as “No. And it will likely introduce a whole new set of problems.” In the meantime, my goal is to address the “everything else”. I strongly suspect that this will also greatly reduce my struggle, especially if the “meantime” is indeed very long.

[Hidden]

Hi Steppenwolf , thank you for introducing yourself on here and being so open and honest about your situation. It sounds like you have been through a lot and that things are still difficult for you especially as you mentioned you're experiencing grief on top of grief. I'm glad that you've found our community and I can see you've already started interacting with others on here which is great. I hope you'll find this is community a friendly and supportive space. Also I just wanted to let you know if you're based in the UK and would like emotional support to address your appearance related concerns you can find out more about our services here changingfaces.org.uk/servic...

Take care😊

Tiffany

[Steppenwolf in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Tiffany. I wish I was in the UK to avail myself of the services there.

[Whizzie in reply to Steppenwolf]

Hi Steppenwolf sorry to hear that you are dealing with a lot. As far as relationships go I have had some very bad experiences. Because of my scars I never thought I would ever get married or have children. I met a really nice German guy when I lived in Germany. To be honest I had given up hope and 'bingo' there he was. I could not believe that my scars did not deter him at all. Unfortunately it didn't work out and after 7 years we got divorced. I moved back to the UK and have 3 amazing children, well adults now. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't give up on hope. Deal with what you have to deal with one step at a time. I'm new here but it seems like there are a lot of positive minded people here who can hopefully help you.

[Steppenwolf in reply to Whizzie]

Thanks Whizzie. I am very lucky to have 2 great kids (under 10). Although I don't get to tuck them in every night anymore. I am also very lucky to have a great career. I am very grateful for what I do have. For the most part I am quite positive. You're right that I have abandoned the hope of meeting someone. Although I (try to at least)see this as realistic, a positive acceptance perhaps, rather than a negative outlook, it still saddens me :(.