An introduction and a post. The username Steppenwolf comes from the Herman Hesse character, not the mythological reference. Like some of you I didn’t acquire my visible difference until later in life. Shortly following a disastrous (and unwelcomed on my part) divorce. A traumatic childhood led to very poor self-esteem, a troublesome adolescence, and in hind-sight an unwise choice in marital partner.
Following the divorce I was a mess. Psychologically, neglecting specifics, I was experiencing the grief of effectively losing my family. My medical status succumbed to the stress, with dramatic results. Little did I realize at the time how much of an extra burden this would be in resolving my initial devastating grief.
For the last 6 or so years I have had facial palsy on one side. It is commonly perceived by “people” however that it is my other related, issues which are more significant. I could not disagree more. And I would bet a million dollars that they would change their minds given a day to walk in my shoes.
Some may say “tis better to have loved and lost ….”, and I wouldn’t entirely disagree myself.
I don’t claim to be an expert in cultivating romantic relationships, however I have been fortunate enough to have experienced it several times in my life. It is very clear that things are very different now. I on the other hand am only considerably different in one respect. Appearance is a significant issue in cultivating romantic relationships. Whether or not it is valid or fair, it is the truth. I am experiencing grief on top of grief. Both due to an ambiguous loss. This on top of the broken base I had to start with.
Genuine acceptance of this truth is another matter. Of course I hope and wish to meet someone. I struggle everyday with how I can accept this without abandoning hope. I don’t have an answer. “Will having a partner make everything else go away?” On a good day I can answer so boldly as “No. And it will likely introduce a whole new set of problems.” In the meantime, my goal is to address the “everything else”. I strongly suspect that this will also greatly reduce my struggle, especially if the “meantime” is indeed very long.
