My mom was moved to hospice last night. I was going to move her to my house but I was scared and the hospice nurse who came to see her yesterday said she would be better at the facility since I have small children and dogs and a messy house. She has been sleeping since we extubated her. Sometimes she opens her eyes but there doesn’t seem to be any recognition there. This place is farther. Last week I had little commitments and cancelled the ones I have. This week I have more and I am not sure if to keep them or cancel them. We want someone to be with her when she passes and it’s mainly my dad and me as my brother has to work. The commitments I have are my children’s appointments therapy and volunteering at the school. I told my girls last night. That abuela their grandmother is dying. I’m not sure how they are processing it. My mom especially loved my oldest who she called her guardian angel.
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The hospice does seem to be the right place for your mum fallen_leaf and I hope you can be with her at the end.
It’s hard trying to fit things in so only commit to whatever is essential. Your girls will process the news about their grandmother in their own way and will each have their own memories of a wonderful lady.
Please take care of yourself, your needed and loved. Thinking of you. Xxxxx
The hospice is exactly the right place for her. They are trained to deal with all her needs. It is very hard to cope with a dying person in a home environment, especially with family around. The hospice staff are the kindest people ever and will make sure she is comfortable and painfree. Don't beat yourself up trying to be there all the time, you need to deal with your family's needs too. You can talk to her now, tell her all the things you want to say, if she passes when you are not there, you will have nothing to be sorry for as you have done so much for her up till now. She will not know if you are with her or not and the staff will not leave her alone when she needs someone with her.
Your children will be sad, that is normal and healthy but everyone's life will carry on - exactly as your mother would wish it to. I am sure that if you could ask her you have shared.
There is a poem about death which has the line 'love me but let me go' which is exactly how it should be.
sorry, this went before I had finished it. I am sure if you could ask your mum she would tell you that she is happy with all you have done for her. Talk to the children about her, remember all the good times you have shared.
If your mother is not religious, you could have a funeral like I had for my husband which was lovely for all the family, especially the young ones. The night before the funeral, all the grandchildren visited the undertaker and decorated his cardboard coffin. They stuck on photos of him, wrote letters to him and laughed and talked about his life. We had the service at a local hotel, with a celebrant, very relaxed and friendly with his favourite songs (including 'another one bites the dust' which he had chosen) and then the coffin went alone to the crematorium whilst we had a buffet and remembered him with friends and family. It was a beautiful time - so good that friends have copied the same idea for their funerals.
It might not work for everyone, but it made his passing so much easier to bear.
This is such lovely, kind and reassuring advice for someone wrestling with such a hard decision.
My mum passed in a hospice. They were wonderful to her till the end. Your mum is in a good place. Xx
I'm so sorry. My mother died on the only morning l couldn't be there with her, she had hung on for such a long time, we played her music and it was a lovely place with kind and wise doctors and nurses, one of whom told me people she'd cared for tended to slip away when loved ones weren't watching, maybe it felt easier that way. That helped me then. Later my father died on my son's birthday and l had travelled a good distance back home as we had organised a third birthday party for him. My sister was with my father when he died. I felt awful for years but my son is 22 now and l understand how we have to just do the best we can and do it with love and good intentions. Holding you all in my heart xxxx
Hi fallen_leaf,
It sounds a good decision to leave your mom at the hospice, where she has expert help on hand all of the time. It can mean putting your own life on hold to be with her, but it's absolutely right that you do whatever you feel is the right thing for both you and your mom. Your choices are made through love of her, and at the end, you can only do the best you can.
Death of a close loved one is hurtful for all concerned, and it's something that has no other outcome for your children. All you can do is to support them lovingly and answer as truthfully as you can, any questions they may have about their beloved abuela's passing, or death in general.
I can only say that, once again I'm thinking of you and sending my sincere best wishes to you all in coping during this sad time.
Letting Molly go
Does my elderly mother have to be left to suffer like this?
End of life : Caring at home
Caring for 90 year old mother
Free For All on Friday
