Decision on whether to move dad: So having... - Care Community

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Decision on whether to move dad

klr31
klr31

So having been told that dad is going to die - but not being told when - I have to decide whether to move dad back to his nursing home. The hospital and doctors seem to be pushing for this to happen even though I have concerns about dad being moved when he is frail and coming to the end of his life. He is currently on a pain patch (Butran?) and not much else, although has anticipatory medicines available. The Nursing Home is at least half an hour away from the hospital where dad is presently. It would be better for us as nearer to our home but is this best for dad in his present state? I just don't know. Th e Nursing Home say they can look after dad at this time but dad isn't eating or drinking so I don't think he has long left. Of course, fast tracked CHC funding has kicked in which is hardly relevant at this late stage!

Karen

16 Replies
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sassy59
sassy59Ambassador

That’s such a difficult decision Karen but yes the nursing home would be able to care for your dad. They should have an end of life plan in place too. It’s just whether your poor dad is up to being moved. I don’t have the answer to that I’m afraid. Xxxxx

Yes, a familiar situation, I’m afraid, Karen. The hospital no doubt want the bed now their treatment is seemingly as far as it can go, and can continue in the care home.

Is your dad able to say where he’d prefer to be? If the care home felt like home to him, and you were closer to visit more often, that might seem like the best solution. I’m sure ambulance staff would treat him kindly for the transfer, maybe with you or another family member with him for the journey.

If that’s not the case, I would prevaricate as long as you need to. The hospital will look after him as long as he’s there.

My mother-in-law went back to the care home at that late stage of her life, the staff were very kind, and we visited as much as possible.it was a quieter place to be compared to the hospital, and she was in a private room, where we could share her last days in a more ‘relaxed’ way. She was happy to have her family around her.

My dad had to stay in hospital. He had been at home with my mother and four carers each day. That had lapsed while he’d been in hospital and was going to take time to set up again. His bed was put in a side ward. He was as comfortable as he could be, but as a family we were conscious of over staying visiting time, crowding the ward etc. Nevertheless he was cheered to have us with him, longer than had been the case earlier in his hospital stay. Also the hospital staff helped us through the process better than the nursing home staff were able to do.

Those are my experiences, but yours may well be different of course. I hope things work out as well as they can for you and your dad, Karen. You’re certainly trying to do the best for him. Big hug, stay as strong as you can 💕 Penny xx

klr31
klr31 in reply to Yatzy

Thank you. There is only me and I'm ill myself, and my husband who has struggled to drive me to the hospital. I don't think dad knows where he is and would have preferred to stay in the Home he had been in for 2 years before I was told to move him. This elderly and frail ward isn't great compared to the hospital where dad used to go in the Midlands and where mum died 4 years ago. She was moved to a side room too. It's difficult to spend a lot of time with someone when you are poorly yourself. Of course I am also berating myself for not letting dad go to hospital the week before he did. I was trying to keep him out of hospital but that backfired. All such a mess.

Karen

Yatzy
Yatzy in reply to klr31

I’m sorry to hear you’re ill too. Try not to worry too much about decisions. It might be time to let the hospital decide what’s best for your dear dad. We can only do so much to help. Just be with him when you can. He’ll be together with your Mum again soon. Love to you all xx 🌷

klr31
klr31 in reply to Yatzy

My husband and I have been ill for years and yet have managed so much over the past few years. It's just been so relentless. Neither of us feel we can do much more even though the hospital and Home expect us to. Maybe I have made a couple of wrong decisions regarding dad but that's hindsight for you. Unfortunately I doubt dad will be with mum - it's a long story and another source of deep stress and distress.

Karen

klr31
klr31 in reply to Yatzy

Thank you though.

Yatzy
Yatzy in reply to klr31

You’re very welcome. It’s good to air our concerns. I sometimes feel that I can’t do right, always with hindsight! But you’ve done your best at the time, and we have to leave it there. It’s extremely worrying and tiring being a carer, but it doesn’t last forever, and it’s time well spent usually. I’ve been carer for my dad, my sister and now my mum....she’s the one soldiering on, she’s 99 now, but housebound.

Stay strong as you can 🌹 xx

Hello Karen, my mum remained in an home for her final weeks they looked after her well, and the GP came and helped her to die peacefully. She was no longer eating at that stage like your father, but it allowed my sister to be with her to the end which is what she wanted. So it is your decision what you would like to happen as you know your father best, always remember there is no right or wrong in the end you can only try to make the best choice in your circumstances. Every best wish, thinking of you xx

klr31
klr31 in reply to katieoxo60

It's the moving of dad which worries me and the Safeguarding measure against the Home which I have just found out about. If we leave him in hospital though we shall struggle to get to see him as exhausted from going.

Karen

katieoxo60
katieoxo60 in reply to klr31

I would be a bit worried about moving him too, nothing is simple is it these days. Don't really know what to suggest to ease your concern, but I am sure you will find a solution. My mum moved from Wales to the Midlands during her final year but my sister did the change. No one knows whats round the corner just take each day as it comes and do what you think is best. My thoughts will be with you Best Wishes

Hi Karen

Life stinks at times and this is one of those times for you!

Has your Dad ever expressed any wishes now or in the past? If not then the pressure is on you (and as an only child I can relate to your situation) You have to then decide what is best all round Dad you and family/friends, you are the one who is going to be left to sort kvetching out not the Dr or nursing home and it is just so so hard BUT you have to think of you (sorry) everybody says that and I never listened (and still don't!) But believe you me it's true_

Have you told your GP of your situation? Ask the Dr at the hospital for more information if you've got questions ask them what they would do in your situation (asking them to be in your shoes, is quite a good wake up call for them)

Is there counselling available to you? Cruise do have waiting lists so I would suggest you go on it now (they even arranged for me to start before my husband died to help prepare me, although he had the last laugh and died sooner) but I got him home (as he wanted) with me and the dog by his side I actually called his son (who hadn't spoken to me or been near for the last 2 years whilst I'd done all the hospital runs Sat with hubby doing chemo etc, but I actually wish I hadn't called him or his 2 brothers to come and say goodbye but I do take comfort that i was the bigger/better person and they have to live with their guilt of being total and utter .................

So just be as strong as you can and deal with things the best and nicest way and you will feel better for it

I am sending you love hugs and blessings

Debs xx

klr31
klr31 in reply to Debsoxford

If dad had still been at his original Nursing Home then I would have tried to get him back there as he would have wanted that; the one here I'm not so sure and am doubtful at their care but also the hospital after what I witnessed over the weekend - dad not given adequate pain relief (think they thought it was his dementia causing him to shout out when it wasn't).

Karen

Mum died in her care home and after a previous hospital stay we would have moved heaven and earth to get her back to familiar surroundings and staff she knew for her last days, the end of life care given by the GP team and care staff was faultless and even though we weren't there at the end we were comforted knowing she was treated well and cared for.

You have to make a difficult decision and go with it, no right or wrong but it's what you are comfortable with.

Best wishes

klr31
klr31 in reply to bantam12

I'm just so exhausted with it all and would like to just run away!

bantam12
bantam12 in reply to klr31

Then maybe leaving things as they are is the best option, no good beating yourself up and ending up more poorly.

Callendersgal
CallendersgalModerator

Hi Karen, This is such a difficult time and there's probably no perfect way forward. Of course the hospital will push to see dad back in the nursing home, as beds are in such short supply these days, they don't want to keep you the minute they think your need isn't acute.

And so it unfortunately falls to you to make the final decision. It must be yours at the end of the day, but I think on balance I would move him if it was me. There's nothing good about dying in hospital with busy staff rushing to and fro and everyone feeling tense.

I don't really know how your dad's nursing home is of course, but having spent time with my sisters at hers, in her final days, I know I vastly preferred that than when my mum and my stepdad died in hospital.

You say it would be easier for you too and that's important as you may be able to be there or get there more quickly as the end approaches.

If you decide the move is best, then be in charge of it, so that he's moved as effortlessly for him as is possible.

But if you decide he should stay where he is, then take care with that too, that staff aren't too busy to give dad the proper care and attention he needs at this critical time.

Very best wishes for whatever you decide. I know it's far from easy, but inwardly I'm sure that your dear dad knows that whatever decisions you make for him are done in good faith and from love.

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