Just to let anyone know who doesn't yet, my dad died last Wednesday morning. We were called to go in at 8.30am and made it by 9.30am (the hospital is quite a way away). Dad was nearing the end but had waited and we had a little time with him before he passed away at around 9.50/55am. It was peaceful and I talked to him, having learnt since my mum's death in 2014 that hearing is the last sense to go. I wish I could have visited dad on Tuesday but had been with him on Monday when it was very distressing as dad was struggling to breathe. They had given him fluids on the Sunday which had caused his lungs to fill up, I think. I was told, when I rang, that dad was comfortable on Tuesday and Tuesday night and I hope they were telling me the truth as it does haunt me. We just couldn't do and go in as much as we wanted due to our own health problems. I feel all the over the place now and have so many thoughts and even regrets about the decisions I made regarding dad. I did my best at the time but I suppose regrets and guilt are natural as I try to process all that has happened over the past few years.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me and offered advice and support over the past few years. It has been some journey! This forum is so so useful, caring and kind.
Karen
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klr31
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Please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your dad Karen. It’s natural for you to feel all sorts of emotions at this difficult time but just take each day as it comes.
Please be kind to yourself and take strength from the fact that you did all you could for your dad. Xxxx
Hi Karen, My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your dear dad. I can hear in what you've written that you are punishing yourself with unnecessary guilt over not having done enough for him, but you did. So many times you looked for answers from our community out of your deep love and concern for him, and rest assured you did not only all that you needed to do, but much more as well.
Of course, as sassy59 says, you are bound to go through the whole range of emotions over the next days, weeks and months, but one that you should feel, is to be proud of all the worrying over him and care you gave to him.
His struggle is over now, and I hope that even through your grief, you will also feel some respite now from all the worry that goes with being a carer for someone you love very much.
I hope I feel respite soon; I thought I would feel relief when dad passed but I don't but feel guilt and regret. Maybe that's a part of the grieving process; I know it's early days. It may take a while to find my way back to a life unburdened by care of my dad.
It is a part of the grieving Karen. Just let whatever feelings come, come... but let them go again. Don't hold on to them for too long. It is a process and often quite a long one. Quite a roller-coaster too. It's strange how we think it will be a relief and a release. I think it very seldom really is. Thinking of you.
I have found that after a time my minds drifts back to happier younger years with my Dad. The years before illness took a hold. Hope you find peace soon x
Dear Karen, so sorry for your loss, please don't feel guilty about everything you did for your dear dad, I'm sure he appreciated it and you need to remember the good times, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve you'll be in my thoughts xxxxxx
Sorry to hear of your sad news, my thoughts are with you at this sad time. May your father rest in peace and you cherish the memory that you did your best .
Hi Kir31, please accept our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear dad. Cherish the memory that you did your very best for him. Try to take each day at a time and be kind to yourself. We are always here to support you. Take care.
At the moment I'm thinking of all the things I wish I had done differently. Hindsight is great (not)! I saw him suffer so much which plays on my mind. He never really settled in the new Home I moved him to and, although good in some ways, it lacked a lot of what his old Home offered (despite it being in Special Measures!). I hope those memories will ease eventually. I know I will need counselling as my relationship with him was complicated and I never really knew if he liked me much. Lots to process but I hope to get there eventually.
Hi Kir31, there is a lot to process. It is early days, but you will get there. Take each day as it comes and always know that we are here to support you. Look after yourself. Take care and best wishes.
After seeing dad on Monday with an oxygen mask on and struggling to breathe/coughing because his lungs were half filled with fluid which his body couldn't get rid of (also on his arms and legs), I was told that he was comfortable on the Monday night, Tuesday and Tuesday night. Is this possible? It haunts me that he was struggling for all that time and I didn't know.
Sending you my bestest as you Make your way through the grieving process. I am undertaking an End of Life Course at the moment and can assure you your feelings are all to be expected, even anger at times. As Callendersgal said, just let the thoughts and feelings come and go, taking much comfort in what you were able to do for your dad. We will all have regrets when our loved ones pass away, and experience feelings of guilt, but we have done all we could and really shouldn't, but we do! It's is a rollercoaster of emotions, and although I know when my mom leaves they will come to me, we are never prepared for the sadness that grief brings. Take care of yourself Karen.
Thank you, I will try to. Yes, lots of unanswered questions over dad's care in the Home and hospital, especially the Frail and Elderly ward where I don't think the care was as good as Respiratory where dad was for the first week of his final stay. I think he was moved to the Elderly ward as he wasn't as bad as someone else who needed oxygen, but dad then deteriorated on the Elderly ward and was left calling out which I think they thought was dementia but it wasn't - possibly due to pain until I asked for a pain patch for dad. Of course, not enough doctors to do anything over the weekend and bank holiday - I wonder how many patients die due to lack of doctors over the weekends and bank holidays - surely there should be the usual amount on as illness doesn't confine itself to weekdays! It certainly is a rollercoaster and I've been on it for a few years, now to try to get off it at some point. I hate to think that dad suffered as he never quite got onto the anticipatory medicines he had been prescribed.
So sorry to hear the news. It is so hard to bear and you will be experiencing all kinds of emotions. I think guilt is so common as we never think we have done enough to care for some one or alleviate their suffering. You have done your very best under very difficult circumstances and I am sure he would have known the love you felt for him. That is the most important part. Sending lots of love to you. Helen x
Hello kir31, I have just read your very sad post and would like to send my condolences to you and your family as you cope with the loss of your Dad.
Please don't beat yourself up, but try to remember that all your hard efforts were done with the best intentions to help make your Dad as comfortable and pain free as possible.
Could you try to focus on your Mum and Dad being together again? Would this thought bring you the peace and comfort that you truly deserve right now?
Your head and emotions will be all over the place and that's perfectly understandable and natural right now. It will get better, but it will take time. There is no timescale to grieving as we all have to face up to and then cope with the passing of a loved one. It's so upsetting
Everything changes during a bereavement period: the way you eat changes, the way you sleep changes, the way you think changes, the way your brain functions changes, your family life changes or disappears entirely. There is no easy way along this bereavement road (well none that I have found), but you don't have to travel this long/lonely road alone. Keep popping back here as there are many lovely kind folk who will help you.
Big hugs on there way to you right now. Please be kind to yourself. xxxxx (hugs) xxxxx
Thank you, you're very kind and your words do make sense.
I only have my husband really and his elderly parents and one cousin who doesn't live near so not much of a family.
Unfortunately, I can't draw comfort from thinking of mum and dad together again as they had a difficult relationship and I found out after mum died that he was still seeing a woman 'friend' who he had been seeing some years before. It never really stopped, I believe. He said they were only friends but there was an emotional connection with her, he lied to me about where he was for a number of month after mum died in 2014 until I asked him not to; he wouldn't really tell me what was going on but I knew a lot from years ago when mum was devastated at his betrayal. A year after mum died he went abroad with this woman and the following year, despite not going away with mum during the last twenty years of her life and even though she loved to go away and they used to go often. So I have very mixed and complicated feelings towards my dad. He was a very closed off character especially with me although could seem a charming gentleman with others. He gave huge smiles to some of the carers in the Home he was in but never gave one to me. I don't think he liked me much because I don't have a high-powered career.
I know these are all things I have to try to understand and learn to accept as they got swept under the carpet to a certain degree when he became ill and I was trying to look out for him but I was very upset and angry with him before that, and didn't really feel I knew him at all, despite him being my dad.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so unhappy, Karen. From following your posts on here, I know you did all you could for your dad during his illness, and more. Your actions were taken with love, and now your Dad’s life has run its course. Maybe the friction between your parents over the years left you both feeling uncomfortable together, with both of you having to deal with your Mum’s unhappiness from different perspectives. Try to build towards more happiness for yourself and your husband now. You’ve been a good daughter through quite difficult circumstances. Your dad is resting in peace. Love 💕🌹
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I care for my elderly dad
