Has anyone disclaimed a power of attorney?

[Gambit62]

I have lasting power of attorney for my mother for both health (joint and several with my brother) and finances (joint with my brother)

I never liked my mother so really conflicted all the time and feeling very dumped on by everyone - find social services and GP useless and feel as if everything is being thrust back on me to sort out and I can't really cope with feeling so conflicted all the time.

My brother tends to dump things on me because I live in the same town as my mother and apparently because I am an accountant I live to fill in s*dd**g forms which I most definitely don't and I'm really angry about that last one.

I hate being referred to as my mother's carer because I don't like her.

Yesterday she managed to get out of the flat in the middle of the night and was found the next morning outside a care home across the road - she has a live in carer but it just feels as if any co-ordination gets left to me and I just can't do it any more - had enough of it in the 12 months before the carer. The NHS just seem to want to make life difficult - I hate dealing with GPs and receptionists and they have stupid systems that make it impossible to book follow up appointments or even get to speak to a GP - GP was supposed to call back yesterday about her but didn't. I lost half a days work trying to cope with everything yesterday and that was co-ordination not decision making.

My fear was always that I'd end up being forced to look after her because I lived in the same town and it feels as if the only way out of this hell in which nobody co-ordinates with anyone else is to walk away and that means dropping the power of attorney. It isn't supposed to be about having to co-ordinate everything but I can't do that any more.

I am quite open with social services etc about how I feel but they just aren't interested. Safeguarding is a bit of a nonsense really - not centred on humanity but on passing the buck on to someone else.

I haven't got anywhere with applying for attendance allowance because I can't face filling in the ....... form and my brother's no help on that at all - so I'm failing in my duties to even look her finances.

[Hellebelle]

Hi, I do know a little of how you feel. Although I have a big family, the coordination always seems to fall onto certain people. It is a much unappreciated and underrated activity that is fraught with difficulties. I dread to think how many hours I have spent on this myself. It wouldn't add up to hours it would be days or even months! I also do this in my work, so it feels never ending. I am lucky in that I can share some of it with siblings but in your case, it sounds as if this isn't an option .

You sound understandably angry to bursting point and very resentful. It doesn't make it easy that you don't get on with your mum.

Is there any way you could sit down and explain how you feel to your brother? It isn't an excuse that because you live close you get to do all the organising. I have a sister who lives right next door to our parents and I live over 100 miles away but I don't expect her to do it all. Even though I live a distance away, a lot of it can be done on the phone. I would tell your brother how it is for you and say that unless he does his share you will be revoking POA. I would imagine that is possible? Perhaps others on the site will know more. It might be enough to make him see that unless he starts to contribute, it will all fall down.

You have the right to enjoy life and it sounds as if this is really getting you down. I wish you strength. Please let us know how you get on.

[Gambit62 in reply to Hellebelle]

Thank you for your response.

I managed to find the form on the office of the public guardian site yesterday.

I have tried explaining to my brother but he really doesn't get it and I've run out of patience.

The more I think about the more I feel that mum should really be in a nursing home. She has a complicated medical history and really needs 24 hour care which one individual can't provide and I feel extremely guilty about the strain on the carer. I'm not sure she is really getting the days off that she needs and a whole raft of other things. My mother says that she doesn't want to leave home but I'm not convinced she really knows where home is because she's not living in the present anymore - a few days ago the carer caught her going out in the middle of the night and she said that she was 'going home' - presumably to the house she previously occupied on the other side of town.

[Hellebelle in reply to Gambit62]

Hi, i think it sounds like a really good idea as it seems that her needs far exceed what can realistically be provided for by a carer. Sometimes, we just have to be realistic. Even though your mum had said she wants to stay at home, it sounds as if she might not have capacity to make that decision and you would therefore be acting in her best interests. It is such an emotive topic and there isn't an easy answer but it sounds as if the situation has gone past what is reasonable for you. I hope that you manage to get something sorted out.

[Hidden]

Hi Gambit62,

I've copied and pasted the relevant information from the GovUK website for you, which I hope will be helpful.

End your lasting power of attorney

You can end your lasting power of attorney (LPA) yourself - if you have mental capacity to make that decision.

You need to send the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG) both:

the original LPA

a written statement called a ‘deed of revocation’

Use the following wording for the deed of revocation. Replace the words in the square brackets with the relevant details.

Deed of revocation

“This deed of revocation is made by [your name] of [your address].

1: I granted a lasting power of attorney for property and financial affairs/health and welfare (delete as appropriate) on [date you signed the lasting power of attorney] appointing [name of first attorney] of [address of first attorney] and [name of second attorney] of [address of second attorney] to act as my attorney(s).

2: I revoke the lasting power of attorney and the authority granted by it.

Signed and delivered as a deed [your signature]

Date signed [date]

Witnessed by [signature of witness]

Full name of witness [name of witness]

Address of witness [address of witness]”

You must be able to make your own decisions when you end your LPA.

I'm sorry you feel so conflicted over the care of your mother. It must be really very hard to have total care for someone you actively dislike. Unfortunately, more and more, with all services stretched to breaking point, it no longer seems to be a choice as to whether we want to take on a Carer's role or not, and actually that's not good for anyone. It means a resentful carer and, no matter how hard you try not to show it, a cared-for person who feels they are an encumbrance. It's one thing if you are the only person available, but very trying when siblings won't take a share of the responsibility too.

As Hellebelle points out in her post, you do sound very angry now, and I wonder if pointing out to your brother that you intend revoking the power of attorney might jolt him into helping at least a little more.

It is far too much for one person to cope with and you really do sound defeated. But sadly I don't have a real answer to this considerable burden you are facing alone. I hope you can find some way through it all, to at least allow you a little life of your own. Very best wishes.

[sassy59]

Such great replies Gambit and I truly hope they are of help to you.

I do wish you well. Xx