Help

[Rockyroadp]

My 78 years old mother needs help I cannot give up work she cannot live with me as my flat is small and she hates my husband as he is working class I really couldn't live with her I visit her every week and do all the housework and shopping my sister cannot be bothered with her and refusing to help her any ideas. Also mum is very stubborn and extremely snobby

[Bananas5]

OK so your Mum is not very old and can obviously wash dress and look after herself. Cook or feed herself too.

We always encourage those we care for to do as much for themselves as long as they are safe and not in pain/

You are looking for someone to do her housework and shopping. Is that correct?

If she needs any sort of personal care then get in touch with her local authority and make a referral to social works.

If it is just housework and shopping then maybe an agency?

x

[Rockyroadp in reply to Bananas5]

No fine to do this but worry about future the big problems is my mother wants me to herself. Its not a recent problem she was the same with my dad she used me as barrier as she could not stand him therefore he blamed me I love my husband and he comes first I am afraid I will not sacrifice that for mum. Mum likes everything her way and not compremise

[Bananas5 in reply to Rockyroadp]

Difficult call with you piggy in the middle.

You and your husband must come first and stubborn as she may be Mum has to know this. It may not be so bad at the moment but as she gets older and possibly less capable she will rely on you more and more. Better to sort it out now.

Do you visit 52 weeks a year? You never go away? Have other commitments or are unwell? What happens then?

You have to be firm to be kind and if she just needs a little help then she will pay an agency.

x

[jaykay777 in reply to Rockyroadp]

Right -- Don't sacrifice your relationship with your husband. Use your mother's resources to help her. You deserve a life.

[Roessner541]

You sound like my daughter but she does nothing for us.

[glo42]

I am so sorry for the situation that you coping with. You are obviously a thoughtful daughter, juggling things to keep your Mum happy, sadly she appears to be much less thoughtful to your needs than you are to hers. I agree that your husband must come first and you need to be firm and make this point clear with a talk to your Mum. As your sister clearly is not offering to help, then suggest to your Mum that she will need to pay for Agency workers to come and help out with what she needs on a daily basis. Maybe everyone has given your Mum her own way for far too long and at 78 years old she has to be reminded that you have a life of your own and a husband who you don't want to put in second place. Good Luck. xxx

[Rockyroadp]

Thank you I do not earn much but pay for cleaning twice a month you are right about mum getting her own way

[kernowdame]

I was smiling as I read this. It was my Mum all over again, especially the dislike of my husband. We never did cure her. I think that if your mum has a pension she should be able to pay for some help herself. If not then I would contact social services and get a referral to have her needs assessed. If you approach it as a third agency having an interest in her it will be easier for to accept that you are not rejecting her needs but setting something up which will work for you both. Please do not let her boss you about - that could get worse , believe me !

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Rockyroadp and welcome to this caring forum. You have received many helpful replies. I just wanted to add that Ageuk [ageuk.org.uk] provides information and advice on a range of topics that people may need help with in later life. Local support is provided. I hope this is helpful to you. Thank you and best wishes.

[Hidden]

I would just like to add to the replays you've received.

My mother was a very difficult person to get on with,and out of six of us most of the chores came down to me. I used to be pulling my hair out with her,she even faked illness to get attention. She's not with us anymore and the other six of my siblings,including me all regretted we didn't do more,because she was just lonely. She never wanted us to do anything for her,she just wanted our company. I'm now 75yrs old with 3 sons,only one of them really cares,the eldest we have not spoken to for nearly 3yrs.

I'm not trying to take your post away from you,I'm just saying the moral of the story is,just try to understand her. If she had cleaners in,you could have more time to chat with her,or take her shopping,maybe she just wants your time. As we as children wanted her time. You only have one Mom,don't live to regret spending a little time with her,as your sister will for sure.

Good Luck,and take care.x

[katieoxo60]

Well I was going to suggest Ageuk or social services.However I sense this is easier said than done. You may have to be cruel to be kind. If you or your husband were ill your mum would need alternative options in place,maybe try not to be so reliable for shopping ect. It's good that some families like yourself do so much for their relatives,but it defeats the objective of elderly independence being promoted by the state.If we don't use services then they wont provide them anymore.

[Rockyroadp]

Thanks to everyone who took Time to reply