Denial of dementia symptoms

[Sarah_S]

I care for my mother-in-law and visit twice day (mostly to make sure she is eating properly). She has short term memory issues and other dementia symptoms. I leave notes for her to remind her when I am next visiting, and have bought a digital display with the day and date, and an automated pill dispenser. She has been for an initial psychiatric assessment and has been referred for a brain scan and an OH visit. However she's in complete denial that there is anything wrong and stubbornly doesn't want any help from anyone else or any visitors (to the point of refusing a care assessor entry to her house). I know that denial is fairly typical, but is there any way that I can make her realise that she is forgetting things and needs some help, or should I just accept that she won't ever acknowledge it? I think she is scared of the word dementia, even though that is almost certainly what she has got. Does it help for dementia sufferers to know their diagnosis, or does it just increase anxiety? If she doesn't acknowledge it, then I can't see that me and my husband will ever be able to have a break. We tried 4 days away in August, the first time in 9 months and she phoned the ambulance twice for minor problems, although she doesn't remember it now. Should I try to persuade her to have a regular gardener/cleaner/hairdresser (even though she doesn't really need it), just so she gets used to another person going round?

[bantam12]

My Mum never accepted she had memory problems, she denied forgetting things like eating or taking her pills and she swore blind she was doing everything as usual like going to the shops and so on but actually she never went out the house.

Like you I was going over daily and checking on her but it was becoming to much with my own family to look after as well, we organised carers and volunteer lady to pop in but mum was very uncooperative, said she didn't need help !

The only answer for us and for her safety was she had to go into a home and actually although she had days when she grumbled about being there she was a lot less stressed so deep down she must have known she couldn't cope on her own but just wouldn't admit it.

Good luck, it's not easy.

[Sarah_S in reply to bantam12]

Thanks for your quick reply, and sorry to hear about your mum. I think too that she will never accept it. I don't think she needs a care home yet, she is still shopping and cleaning and fine with the automated pill dispenser, but would just not eat a balanced diet if we didn't go round, and she has type 2 diabetes so this is important for her to avoid a hypo (and we regularly remove cakes and chocolates and replace with healthy snacks, nuts and breadsticks!). She could afford care at home, but doesn't think she needs it. We are coping at the moment and she is still safe at home. I will wait for the OH visit, and I think I will go down the route of getting a mobile hairdresser - it will hopefully provide a positive experience of having a visitor, and get her used to someone else coming to the house who is not me or my husband. Small steps!

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Sarah_S, welcome this supportive community. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time of it with your mum. Your story, unfortunately, isn't unusual, especially in the early days pre-diagnosis, and diagnosis. Yes, your mum quite understandably, is probably in disbelief, denial and very scared knowing that she's forgetting things and sensing that it could be dementia. She is probably afraid of the loss of control, of losing here independence and developing coping mechanisms in order to try and cover up what's really happening. It will be important to get a formal diagnosis to rule out other possibilities (as it may not be dementia), and to identify what type of dementia it may be.

It may help to look at the Alzheimer's Society UK website: alzheimers.org.uk/

and, to talk to an expert advisor on their National Dementia Helpline Tel:[phone]

Keep her GP informed and have a chat with them about the specific difficulties you are having with her at the moment, especially over taking medication etc. It may help for you to be present with her in her house when arranging specific visitors to come. This is not going to be an easy road to travel, but there is support out there for both you and your mum.

Here's a link to some carer's support networks that might help support you:

carersuk.org/help-and-advic...

ageuk.org.uk/information-ad...

carers.org/article/getting-...

Hope this helps you on the next steps to consider.

Keep in touch, take care.

Best Wishes.

[Sarah_S]

OH visitor is now coming this week, finally! I've planned to be there, but mother-in-law has already stated that she won't be letting them in...

[Hidden]

I had this with my mother. I am afraid I ignored what she said she wanted and arranged for something to happen each day - a cleaner for an hour or so, a gardener, etc so that they could report back to me. At the time she said she wouldn't let them in but within the first couple of visits she was telling me stories about them, about the cleaners children, the gardener's dog etc. Another day a month was someone to cut her nails, another day she got her hair cut at home. Don't listen to her - just arrange these things and you will probably find that she enjoys the complany after a few visits. Make sure all these people have your phone number in case they think she has a problem. If you want to go on holiday, you will be best to get her into a nursing home for respite care. I told my mum it was only for a few days to get her medication sorted out - she has been there 4 years now and on the whole is happier than she was at home.

It's a case of being cruel to be kind, I'm afraid. We know what is best for them but they cannot believe it. Usually when something is done for them they soon accept it as the norm.

Good luck

[Sarah_S in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, it's so useful and re-assuring to hear from others who have been through the same thing. I will put some effort into arranging visitors, and will have a think about how we could have a holiday. However it happens I know there will be lots of arguments and I will feel incredibly guilty about leaving her, but we can't go on without a break.

[BRIAN1925]

I told my husband he had memory loss, he took that better than being told he had dementia, as for treatment I wasn't ways truthful with what exactly was happening, it works to not always to be truly honest, even though it goes against the grain. Good luck.

[Sarah_S in reply to BRIAN1925]

Thank you so much for replying Brian. It definitely helps relieve the guilt to hear that others have also found that omitting some details or explaining things a different way helps to relieve anxiety and helps the person accept a few smaller truths. Luckily my mother-in-law has always had trust in doctors, and is willing to go to appointments even when she doesn't really know what they are for. Still working on the care at home aspect!