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[leonora22]

I am 55 but am my much older husbands carer - he is 77. He is not an easy man and at the moment will only have the Fortisips nutrition drinks. This is causing digestion problems but he won't take the fibre sachets. GP been very good and warned of potential blockage but husband will not listen. He also is not doing his teeth despite having a gum infection. I have been a carer officially for 4 years. He is very deaf and will not a hearing aid - apparently I mumble and lisp!!!! Frankly not coping well. We have no family so I am with him 24/7 and find it hard to leave the house. At the moment, he is in a huge amount of pain with his arm/shoulder . I now find his x ray has been filed with NFA although he is taking a lot of painkillers. He had his kidney function go down to 9% last year due to a combination of UTI/antibiotics/lupus medication - never really got a straight answer but it is now back up to normal for his age but frankly the long term pain killers will not help. I monitor in the day but think he is taking more in the night - he sleeps downstairs. Frankly just want to get to know other carers and find out how you cope because to me this is not living but just existing. I do have friends but do not want to burden the and husband is quite proud and very intelligent and can put ona bit of an 'act'. I lost my father last August and I can see similarities and am very worried husband has dementia - the self neglect lack of appetite, denial....but do not want to upset him by pursuing it as I could be wrong. But yesterday, he was due to meet me in one shop - I was going to the library, but he forgot and went somewhere else. He asks the same question again and again and he actually forgot how to get onto amazon.uk -- he kept going into the USA one! He is in total denial and has always been a very controlling man so progressing this is not going to be easy I know. Thanks for listening. I have my beloved cats and love reading so just taking it day by day. Does anyone else feel they are just waiting for the next crisis or their caree is an accident waiting to happen. Really having to fight to not slide into clinical depression as I can only see things getting worse....

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You do not have to live like this. Your husband has no right to treat you like this and MUST agree to check out his medical problems for both your sakes. Firstly get an appointment with a neurologist to have him tested for dementia. (Be warned, in many areas there is a long wait). If dementia is diagnosed early enough there is medication that can stop it getting worse too quickly. Next contact Adult Social Care and ask for an appointment where you can discuss what help is available to you. Then Care for the Carers who are a mine of information. You should be able to have respite help so that you can get a break. If your husband doesn't like it, that is unfortunate, but if you have a breakdown he will finish up in residential care whilst you recover - which would he prefer. You need to put your foot down a bit, you have needs too. As far as the medication goes, you need to find somewhere to keep things that he cannot access so that he only gets the prescribed dosage. How about a locked cabinet in an upstairs bathroom.

You could well be grieving for your father, it is not long since his death. Your husband needs to understand (as far as he is capable) that things cannot go on like this and he has to do as the doctor says. You could warn him that you are finding it hard to cope and that he may have to go into respite if things don't improve. He is a selfish man and no illness is an excuse for treating another person like this.

Have the confidence to stand up for yourself. Get out and about and see your friends, even if it's only for a quick coffee. You need the break.

[PSPwife]

You are greiving both the loss of your father and the loss (bit by bit) of your husband. I got a prescription for antidepressants and I go to counseling. I'm not completely myself but I am coping. It is difficult and I do feel like I'm just existing but I take one day at a time. If there is any way to get him to a neurologist for testing, do it. I find they will listen to a doctor better than me. Good luck to you.