Who really cares for the elderly with dementia

[BRIAN1925]

My husband has dementia, and I care for him, it is hard but my choice, however recently his condition has worsened, he has not seen his mental health doctor for nearly two years, I did try to get an appointment a year ago, I was refused and a nurse was sent to our home (she was nice and easy to communicate with), the result was she informed me they were discharging my husband and that was the last appointment I would get. Now my husband has started getting physically aggressive in the evening's and sometimes through the night, I don't have problems as such through the day. I contacted my GP who tried to get an appointment with the Nat. health dementia doctor, and was refused, I then phoned the Doctor myself to ask for why, he was not very pleasant . I am worried for my husband he is very special to me, so I asked my doctor if she would get me an appointment with a private specialist, in turn she said she had got the Nat. health doctor to give me a consultation, so I agreed, now I find out this is just with the clinical nurses who want to try day care facilities, now I know my husband will not benefit from this as he is not happy out of his own environment, I think it is so unfair he is not able to see a consultant, I am told help is there, you must be joking. My own GP says she does not know of any private consultants, so I am left to find a private consultant on my own.

[bantam12]

I'm not sure what you would gain from seeing a Consultant, if there are any, usually the mental health nurses are very helpful but realistically there isn't much "help" to be had as apart from medications dementia is what it is and won't get any better.

Going to a day care centre can work very well, my Mum was extremely reluctant but once she started going she enjoyed it and it gave me a day off which was a huge relief. Mum was stressed outside her comfort zone but once she was familiar with the day care place it became another comfort zone so all was well.

You probably should think about care homes for the future so if it gets to the point where you can't physically cope with your husband you have some idea of what to do and where to go.

My Mum eventually went into the care home where she had attended day care so it was a relatively smooth transition and she was so much happier.

It's difficult because you want to keep everything as normal as possible but reality is you can't halt the progression of dementia and it can become to hard to handle, you have to think of your life and wellbeing.

Take care

X

[BRIAN1925 in reply to bantam12]

Perhaps seeing a consultant might not help, but I think he should have the right to try, as for the nurse he has been allocated had no communication skills whatsoever, her help so far has been -NIL

[MAS_Nurse]

Good morning Brian1925 and welcome to this very caring and supportive community.

Bantam12 has replied to you with some very sound information. I can appreciate how difficult this is for you and thank you for sharing your situation with us. Day centre's can work really well after the initial visit, your husband could benefit in the long run and you could always arrange to stay with him in the beginning so that he has a constant and reassuring presence until he becomes used to the surroundings. Also do you have a Social worker for him? They can help too in a variety of ways.

Also I am going to put websites below that also can supply information and practical help for the future. Please keep posting on here as many of the members are a good source of information and support.

MIND - mind.org.uk helpline: 0300 123 3393.

Carers Trust - incorporates Crossroads (caring for carers). - carers.org - offices around the UK. Also the Princess Royal Trust for Carers.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[jaykay777]

BRIAN 1925 -- Although I can't recommend contacts for you because I am in the U.S. and you appear to live in Great Britain, I can identify with your situation because I have been in similar ones with my late mother and my late husband, both of whom had dementia. Keep asking people for advice until you find people or an organization who understands your needs. Your statement, "Now my husband has started getting physically aggressive in the evening's and sometimes through the night," indicates that he may be experiencing sundowning. Learn more about it.

To preserve your own health, you need to start looking into permanent care for him in a facility where he can live. That's what I had to do. In my case, my husband was under hospice care for other illnesses, and our hospice team helped/forced me to place my husband in a long-term care facility. I don't think I would have survived if I hadn't followed through on the team's advice/demands.

[BRIAN1925]

Thank you Jay kay, I will going on searching for help, however I do not care about myself and do need to care for my husband personally

[bantam12 in reply to BRIAN1925]

You have to care for yourself because who will look after your husband if you become to exhausted and ill to do it, I have seen this happen to a neighbour.

[Philip]

Hi, I have Vascular Dementia but I’m early on set, where I live in Southport 🇬🇧 the mental health are really good, we a support group weekly, and a walking group, if you can’t walk far then there’s always someone there to assist you. There’s one thing that isn’t right though and that’s the elderly don’t receive the same help but there is someone you can talk to.

I suppose that’s what happens to our elderly dementia sufferers also people to give advice..

Dementia is evil, I’m falling in the big bottomless pit, I’m terrified of what lies a head.

One thing is I’d like to get some money and just vanish, that way I won’t be a burden to my family or anyone else.

[BRIAN1925]

Hi Philip, don't ever think you are a burden to your family, they love & need you no matter what. Make sure you make the most of your life.