being left behind

[Hwalt90]

Hi all

I just need to get this off my chest. My dad died 3 days ago, 14 weeks after being diagnosed with alcohol related liver cirrhosis.

I am totally crushed. I feel guilty for thinking he had ‘let himself go’ when in fact he was full of fluid as he had ascites. I’m left not being able to tolerate the thought of ever being anywhere near alcohol.

I’m confused and I’m hurting. All this aside, he’s my best friend and I’ve held his hand every day for the last 14 weeks. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this.

[Aotea2012]

I’m really sorry to read your post. It sounds like it’s been tough. Your feelings are completely understandable and a normal response. Try to go light on the guilt though...there’s nothing you could have done. Ascites is a late symptom of cirrhosis and by the time it showed up the disease would have been well progressed. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Try to remember the great times with your dad....I’m sure there were many....those are the things to hold on to. Make sure you take care of yourself. It’s really important.

[redpoint72]

Hello there, im so sorry for your loss....very hard times ahead. Its always good to get things off your chest, no good ever came of bottling things up. Its extremely early days, I to lost my lovely dad earlier this year. I to wished I had said things differently, done things differently, but over time you realise its no good having regrets,we can't go back.....otherwise it eats you up. You will intime be able to smile again when thinking bout dad.....just one day at a time. We all need time to grieve, some more than others......Take care of yourself. Thoughts are with you. Chris

[Greensunflower21]

hi there, a very similar thing with my mum almost two years ago. She ended up in a wheelchair, very thin everywhere except her stomach and she never let anyone know she had de compensated cirrhosis. I knew she was an alcoholic but believed all she told me. I judged her immensely those last few months, thinking she just needed to pick herself up and start trying. I don’t know why I’m posting but I don’t feel guilty anymore and I hope you feel the same with time. I had a complicated relationship with my mum but loved (love) her greatly. Missed every day still but I can talk about her openly now and feel happy with the good times we shared x

[Readlots]

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieving is HARD and there is no right way to do it. The way you are feeling is very normal and it will change, moment to moment sometimes. You just have to go with it and gradually you’ll catch yourself smiling and then laughing again. You will get through this.

Don’t beat yourself up about not recognising ascites. No one has ever heard of it before you are actually dealing with it so why would you know it’s fluid rather than weight gain?

You were with him every day for 14 weeks. You showed him you love him. That’s what counts - hang onto that. Its early days but you’ll get there