New to this forum! 35 Yr old Daughter has been diagnosed with liver failure!

[Walking-2022]

Devastated! My 35 year old daughter has liver failure; she is due to see specialist next week and is still drinking but struggling to stop.She recently moved out of family home,making it even more worrying. We want her to move home for we can offer her support and make sure she has food,warmth, people around her. She refuses to come back home. Trying to visit once weekly but she won't see us more.shes been told it is decompensated cirrhosis/liver failure, GP isn't sure. How can we persuade her to come home and stop drinking?

[Aotea2012]

I’m really sorry to read your post. It’s a terrible position to be in. I’m sure you will get a lot of sympathy from the forum. Many have been in your position with spouses, siblings or children. I was similar to your daughter I’m afraid - but did stop drinking once I had a diagnosis of cirrhosis. I was decompensated at the time with acute on chronic liver failure and in hospital with a deep rooted infection. The whole episode terrified me and that was enough to stop. There is nothing, sadly, you can do. Many people told me to cut back on my drinking but no one can make you. It has to be something that you decide to do yourself. It’s torture for those around watching a decline in a loved one, but stopping drinking is such a difficult thing to do that only the individual can decide to do it. I’m glad to say I’m now very well. I still have cirrhosis but it’s well compensated. I look after myself, eat well, exercise and don’t drink. I haven’t touched a drop since March 21 and don’t intend to touch the stuff ever again. As difficult as it is, you have to take a step back with your daughter and hope that something will trigger her to stop. That may be ill health, like it was for me. It could be something else. There is normally a trigger for someone to decide to sort themselves out. I’ve read many many stories on this forum and I’m sure others will add in response to your post, but all seem to have a trigger which jolts them into stopping. At 35, she still has a life ahead of her, even with her diagnosis. The liver is a remarkable organ and can bounce back but it can only do that if the cause of the damage is removed. Don’t give up hope. Make sure you look after yourself. Don’t feel guilty. Trouble with alcohol is such a horrible thing...but many have overcome it and lived to tell the tale. Good luck and very best wishes.

[Walking-2022 in reply to Aotea2012]

Hi there, thanks so much, that means a lot.

[Cat-B]

Hi sadly there’s nothing you can do to make her come home, in fact I would suggest you don’t mention it ( I know it’s hard) but she probably sees things differently and sees your care as pressure. Try to contact your local alcohol support team ( strangers are easier to talk to!) you could try taking her some home cooking ( if once a week is all she’ll allow then start slowly take her a treat ( not a meal you will have to build up to that) I suspect she’s frightened about what is happening. My parents dragged me home and it made everything worse ( I felt bullied and insignificant, I had a major binge as soon as I got home and then refused to answer the phone to them. Sadly they told my brothers and sister “ she needs to pull herself together, she’ll ring when she wants something “ that resulted in 7 years of absolutely no family contact!) I hope my story will help. Good luck

[Rshc]

I am so sorry, I can understand what you are going through. My partner was diagnosed with decompensated liver cirrhosis on Christmas Day 2021 after a long period of heavy drinking. For him, that was the shock and motivation he needed to remain off alcohol but he detoxed in hospital with their support and medication - I am not sure how easy it would have been for him to have done that alone. My partner is now over 7 months alcohol free and in the early days we were given hope that if he stayed off drink, and ate healthy he could hope for his liver to recover somewhat and recompensate. Whilst that hasnt happened his condition is considerably more stable than it was when he was admitted to hospital and he is in the process of being evaluated for a liver transplant - a condition of which is having not drunk for at least 6 month prior. She probably needs a medical professional to give her some straight talking, there does come a point with decompensated cirrhosis where one more drink could cause significant harm but I don't think hearing it from you will get that message to sink in

[Ubwa]

Get her to read this:

I was 34 when I was diagnosed, if she doesn't STOP drinking she will die, and it is a horrible, unpleasant way to go. I know as I nearly went that way twice. She should take all the help offered, stop being stubborn or may as well go play hop scotch blindfolded on the m25 during rush hour. She is not special, or a super hero, she won't win if she doesn't stop drinking.

Sorry to be blunt, but being young, I also know how invulnerable and surreal this can feel. But it's no joke, the time to do something in now, or it becomes more and more of a one way ticket.

[Positive001]

Oh you poor soul. Yes in order to survive she will HAVE to stop drinking but until she admits to herself first that she has a problem and is addicted to alcohol nothing will change. All doctors can do is treat her symptoms, and there are a great many, as they occur. They will keep telling her that if she continues to drink she will die and sadly she will after maybe, if she's lucky, 20 years but her health will massively deteriorate in that time.

She's left home in order to give herself freedom and avoid you nagging her to stop drinking when drinking is exactly what she wants and has to do.

Can you think back to the time when she first came in contact with alcohol? Did a shock or some devastation cause her to turn to drink ? Initially it takes the pain away then it takes more and more drinks to keep taking the pain away. She will kid herself it makes her feel better, the truth is it will be making her more and more depressed, anxious and paranoid. Was she at uni where there is a massive drink and party culture ? Many leave after graduation only to realise they can't actually function any more without that bottle of wine a day and it gradually spirals out of control.

You can't even call AA on her behalf, all they will do is tell you she has to make that call herself. Sadly until she reaches what she recognises as her rock bottom, she won't ask for help.

Alcohol strips all the good from that beautiful innocent child you had, that husband who l fell in love with . You feel you are dealing with a monster.... and you are, but it's not that person whose the monster, it's the power that poison in the body has to rob all rationality from the addict. So so painful to watch.

Continue to see her as much as you can, let her know how much you love her and assure her you are there for her to talk to about any problems she has without judgement and to help her find a way of dealing with them, the bottom of the empty bottles do not have the answer.... But Mum's do when allowed in.

All the very best. Please keep us posted

Laura xx

[BritishLiverTrust3 Administrator British Liver Trust]

Dear Walking-2022,

If you would find it useful to talk things over, our nurse-led helpline is open Monday to Friday from 10am to 3pm on 0800 652 7330 (excluding bank holidays)

Best wishes

British Liver Trust

[Walking-2022 in reply to BritishLiverTrust3]

Many thanks British Liver Trust, I shall do that.

[Richard-Allen]

This is one of those tricky situations where “family” members with all the best intentions, are the very ones who get pushed away.

When alcohol takes hold, there are so many mixed emotions going on. We begin to miss appointments, sleep in, or even not go to work. This adds to a feeling of guilt as we continue to let our friends and family down. There is a need to escape, to run away. This is when a person will seek to lock themselves away. Some people akin this a bit to climbing into an invisible bubble, or climbing back inside an imaginary womb where a person feels warm and safe. Here they have shut themselves away and are now safe from the world outside. No one can criticise them. or blame them anymore. But this behaviour comes at a cost.

As the feeling of guilt is lifted, it is replaced with a feeling of deep loneliness and despair. The person will once again reach out to their best friend. Alcohol. After all, it’s always there when we need it, and it tries to make us feel better, and It makes them feel happier.

It has to be remembered that alcohol in itself is a depressant. A person drinks to feel better, but in doing so feels depressed. So, the next morning they drink more to lift the gloom and the whole cycle is repeated. At this point, a person is still drinking because they chose to. They certainly now had a drinking problem, but it’s only a question of time before the alcohol takes over their lives and they are now drinking because they have to. They will now have an addiction problem. It should be noted that some 82% of people who go on to develop a serious alcohol-related liver condition are not actually addicted.

It is always hard for loved ones to intervene and get inside their world. Any advice or words of comfort are seen as nagging or blameworthy. Care is needed here.

As many people on here have already stated, it needs to be THEIR decision to stop drinking, and this will be a difficult subject to try and broach without the person feeling threatened and attacked. So care is needed.

I have mentioned this a few times on here before, but I would try and talk about all this over a drink.

Arrange to meet in the local pub. My reason for saying this is that they are most likely going to be having a drink as usual anyway, but here in a pub they will feel more relaxed and less intimidated. They will feel that this is just a friendly chat and not someone ganging up on them. After a while, you can slowly bring up the subject, but take care not to apportion blame or criticises.

Then simply say, “This is what’s broken, now, what are we going to do to make it right?” This opens up the opportunity to do some soul searching and hopefully get to the bottom of the problem. It also lets them know that they are not alone and that people do care and love them, and want to help sort this out together.

No pressure, no blame game, just a genuine need to want to help, with no strings attached.

It is important to remember that alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction are both mental health problems. It has now become a disability and we can’t always see a person's disability. A person can go on to suffer from Hepatic Encephalopathy, which is where brain damage can occur, Here toxic chemicals that are normally processed by the liver, travel up to the brain and change a person's behaviour. Here they may start to say and do things without knowing what they are doing or saying. Some of these words can be hurtful and mean, but the person has no idea what they are saying. So, once again, care is needed and words that are spoken should not be taken to heart as they have no meaning.

Above all, behind every person with an alcohol problem, is a story waiting to be told. Let them speak in their own time. All you can do is show love and understanding and be there with them on their journey of recovery.

Recovery is a long road, but once again, understanding is needed here. After all, we are asking someone to turn their back on their best friend. That friend who has always been there, is to be no more. It is possible for people to suffer a form of bereavement, and it's this letting go that is so hard for some people. But I like to think that at the end of the day, love conquers all.

Good luck to you all.

Richard

[Walking-2022]

Richard, thank you do much for your very helpful and thoughtful advice and insight. You are right, it is so hard to turn your back on a loved one and give then space when you are so worried about them. But your words are well chosen and really helpful. Thank you.

[OllieHayley]

I hit 2 bottles of wine per day 7 days a week for 32 years, most of those years I existed apart from the 10 years. I'm still here. I've tried to explain to consultants why I stopped drinking but I can't everybody including wife were waiting for me to die. You could let me speak to her, you can't. Let them sit in there own shit. DON'T HELP