The long walk of shame.....

Well, hello all, I am back again

After my joy at getting to 100+ alcohol free days last year, I ended up failing, primarily due to lockdown which affected me really badly. So around mid May I started drinking again, just a little glass of beer whilst we sat in the garden and did the crossword. And I didn't reach for wine until several weeks later, and I didn't drink it every day, but I did begin again. So here we are, mid March and I have had alcohol since May....not every day, in fact days and weeks without, but I have gone back to it even with those little gaps. I stopped again 1st March this year, but am struggling very much with right sided discomfort which started 8 days or so ago.

Some of you will recall I have huge health anxiety (despite being a nurse for 35yrs), and I tried to have a phone consultation with a GP last year when all of Covid was beginning, it was like I felt he was huffing and puffing at the end of the phone, til he said what exactly do you want from me, which made me feel worthless. I have been to GP twice since - neither time related to this, once with palpitations and once with some skin lesions that turned out to be cancer. Because I didn't feel the need to address any of my previous issues with alcohol, I felt OK about going. The process to get an appointment is by completing an online self referral form, they then triage it and either do telephone consult or invite you to a face to face appointment. On both occasions I saw different doctors, one trainee, one locum ......you may recall the GP I always saw (in the good old days you could ask for a particular GP) left the practice.....he had helped me a lot with numerous issues for 10yrs or more, I trusted him implicitly..... but in order to bite the bullet and get this investigated and a management plan, I would like to be able to see a regular GP again, somebody I don't have to explain everything - including my health anxiety - to each time I see them....and I know I shouldn't say it but somebody who won't judge me, as I sit there in front of them, a 58yr old woman who should have known better, who wont just stare at the computer screen but will look at me, listen to me.. I am sorry, I am sounding like a proper wuss!

The discomfort / pinch is pretty constant, with some aching in the right upper back, and under arm. I am so tired and lethargic, fall asleep whilst reading, have been going back to bed for a kip a couple of times a day, have dreadful belching and a discomfort in the breastbone, headaches and my IBS is turning cartwheels, despite very little appetite. I have no noticeable jaundice, in fact I am a tad pale, stools and urine normal colour. Feel dizzy and nauseous after eating, appetite down, bloated around braline in that bra feels tight, and at night I feel like there is something wrapped around, digging in when there isn't. Absolutely no energy.

I feel (or my health anxiety feels) that after worrying all these years, the outcome will be pretty poor for me now, so my anxiety is shredded, crying constantly, angry with myself. Just keep thinking how disappointed my Mum would be. Angry that I have thrown my chances away, angry that I have thrown our plans for the future away. Angry because I know that without lockdown I don't think I would have started again, but it became an escape I suppose, I haven't coped well with this isolation.

Sorry to ramble. Sorry to have had to make this walk, and hope you will let me come along and feel that I am amongst people who won't judge me. I feel so badly that I have let people down. That's all I ask, I don't think I will get that from anywhere else.

Thank you for your patience in reading my ramble. I am now going to start the self referral process for GP, but then ring them to ask to be registered to just one GP for every visit, as I do think being able to establish a relationship will help with my anxiety. But I have to do it!

Bless you all xx

[Hidden]

Welcome back to the forum.

If you were here before, you will know that the forum is friendly and supportive.

You have made the brave step of recognising that you have an issue with alcohol and I would strongly encourage you to speak with your GP - as you are planning to.

The forum is here to support and guide you.

Take care,

Trust9

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Trust9, yes I recall how supportive the members are, and I am just completing my form for the GP, so I am moving forward, albeit petrified.

[gnillo]

I think u know exactly what to do going forward and commend u for making that step. Your referral and phone call r in order so remember to be ur best advocate. I know how easy it is to get down on urself but ur only making things worse when u do time and time again. You have to pick up the pieces, keep on trying and always keep ur head up. Alcohol is a 🤬 to kick and u may not get it right the first time. Keep trucking on and get outside some more, do things u like that bring joy or completely get out of ur comfort zone. U got this Hidden .

[Hidden in reply to gnillo]

Thank you gnillo for your kind words. I have just got off the phone to the GP practice, and they have agreed to do their utmost to ensure I have consistency (I think if it is follow up appointments it may be easier to be a bit more firm on requesting him), so I have chosen a GP who is a permanent GP there, and who I have never met before, so that we both start from a clean slate. That is going to help me by knowing that he won't judge me the minute I get there. Going to do my form now, hope for appointment tomorrow. Thank you - I am terrified, but it has to be done!

[gnillo in reply to Hidden]

Great job. Hopefully they r a good fit. Just remember to be completely honest and trust that they will put in the work just as long as ur also doing ur part. Keep up ur sobriety and cheers to a clean slate!

[Hidden]

Have seen the GP, who was very patient and thorough.General Bloods including liver function which he said were the most important, and ELF, but he couldn't feel liver was enlarged, and no signs of jaundice.

Testing for H pylori too based on some of my other symptoms, and a very tender tummy on examination, followed by prescription.

My anxiety has definitely come down a few notches this afternoon.

[Layla132019]

Hi hun I can totally relate to your story x I have been a binge drinker for the last few years x I can go for days not drinking and don't smoke normally and the funny thing is that if I had a drink in front of me and I have no smokes I wouldn't drink end of and I only drink beer because I know if I drink wine or spirits I drink them as if they are Budweiser and I black out x 2 years ago after my summer break and drinking daily I was in the shower and I suddenly felt like I was having a heart attack and got flash backs of my whole life and then after a few seconds it stopped but it stopped I got the shock of my life and never told anyone and I got them nearly every few days I told my doctor and sent to hospital and after mri scans I was diagnosed with temporary lobe epilepsy and on medication daily for life x have you experienced anything like this before

[Hidden in reply to Layla132019]

Thank you for your reply.....no I haven't had anything like that, it sounds scary .....I hope you are doing well now with treatment, take care x