Scaring myself silly and pretty ashame... - British Liver Trust

British Liver Trust

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Scaring myself silly and pretty ashamed too.

BigMomma94
BigMomma94

I’ve been lurking on here not posting for a long time.

I have a really toxic relationship with alcohol and while I found I have always managed to get it under control, this year has seen my drinking spiral.

Over the past nearly 9 months I’ve drank around 2 bottles of wine a day, sometimes less, sometimes more.

I find myself constantly checking my eyeballs in the mirror for signs of jaundice, laying down and feeling my stomach for signs of liver swelling, I check my ankles all the time, I am obsessed with it.

I had a liver function test back in January. Came back “normal”

I’ve stopped drinking to the volume I was, for about a month now, but I’ve absolutely convinced myself I’m going to die.

I’m only 26.

I needed to get this out somewhere, I know nobody on here can tell me if I have severely damaged my liver, but I genuinely think I have, and I’m terrified of going to the doctors for fear of judgement, and for fear of what sort of state my liver is actually in.

So, no point to this post except to just get out how I’m feeling. I’m terrified.

28 Replies

Welcome to the forum and well done on acknowledging your toxic relationship with alcohol as you state. Maybe you'll get the confidence to go and see your doctor, you should not be judged when you go to seek help. Indeed the more honest you can be with doctors the more tests and support you are likely to get. It's when they know a patient is blatantly lying to them and continuing to damage themselves despite time, money and interventions that they tend to get more reluctant to help.The British Liver Trust guide about alcohol and liver disease might be a good starting point for you and when you feel you are ready go to see your doctor for an assessment of your liver health.

No point worrying about something that you may not have but best to be aware of it if you do have something and then you can take steps to address it.

britishlivertrust.org.uk/in...

All the best, Katie

BigMomma94
BigMomma94 in reply to AyrshireK

Thank you. I will take the time to have a proper look through this website tomorrow. I will suck up the courage to speak to a doctor. But I will probably wait until after Christmas now. I know if I don’t, it will just eat away at me. Thank you for your reply I appreciate it

Welcome to the group BigMomma.

I'll write more tomorrow if I may in a private message. But I'll just quickly say that you have youth on your side. It takes 21-years for a liver to fully grow and develop.

Although yours has most likely taken a pounding, it's still a very tough organ and can put up with a lot of abuse.

For the really seasoned drinker, it may take a while for their liver to recover as it would have been repairing it's self many times over the years.

But yours should recover fairly quickly, say in about six weeks of healthy living and definitely no booze. Try and have an alcohol-free Christmas, and don’t bow to peer pressure from so-called mates. A true friend will respect and support your decision not to drink alcohol. The person that say’s, “Go on, one’s not going to kill you”, is no true friend, and you’d be better off without them. You don’t have to be drunk to be happy.

If anything this should be a lesson on how to respect your liver and try not to worry. There’s nothing broken or damaged that can’t be fixed.

I'll write more tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

Richard.

Thanks so much for your kind reply.I have just got myself into such a state, it’s hard to see a way out of it. I always end up going back to heavily drinking, I can’t seem to ever have just one. But the shame is real, Christmas will be hard for me and I will probably end up drinking a bit. None of my family know about the issue I have, and I really don’t want to disappoint anyone, or feel anymore ashamed than I already do.

Just don’t know how it got to this point. It’s so worrying.

Thank you for your informative reply I really appreciate it and hope to read more tomorrow.

Always going back to heavy drinking and not being able to have just the one is par for the course with a heavy drinker unfortunately. I was just the same. Drinking like that for any length of time does cause a chemical imbalance in the brain which doesn’t go away. You won’t be able to have “just the one” again I’m afraid. The only option, which is easier and better than it sounds, is to quit for good, not even the one on special occasion. That way the urge to drink will fade. You’ll have a great life 🙂

Reddit has the stop drinking forum. And intherooms holds online meetings multiple times a day. The problem with addiction is the little voice that starts tricking you into thinking it’s okay to drink. You’re stronger than that voice! You can do this! Sending good vibes your way!

Alcohol is a depressive! When I drank I used to suffer terrible anxiety and would always be checking myself like you eyes, ankles, every pain was something to do with my liver! I got myself into that much of a state I would have a drink to calm my nerves and that became the thing I was on that cycle wheel of going round and round! Like others have said you have youth on your side! Curb the drinking and believe me you will feel so much better x

Hiya honey. I don't have anything to add to what everyone else has said. Many of us have been where you are. I took a long time to seek help, always thinking I could manage it on my own. I had a GP who was incredibly unsympathetic, but there are some who will support you. Be honest about your drinking and you will get help. I wish you all the best and Happy (alcohol free) Christmas 🌲 xxx

I’m the same. My drinking has been worrying on and off for a while. But this year it has really escalated. I’ve found myself drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a night not everyday but I feel it’s escalating. I’m also terrified of what damaged I’ve caused. I haven’t drank for the last 2 days and feel a shift that things have to change. I’m 39 with 2 young children who solely rely on me I know I can’t let them down, they need me. 😢

The fact that your acknowledging that there is a problem is a great start. You’ve got youth on your side so if you stop now I’m sure you can reverse any damage. Not sure the point of my reply as feel I’m in the same position but just wanted you to know your not alone. X

Deep breath! You’re scared I understand that, I developed de compensated liver failure 3 years ago. My advice is to talk to your go and get your bloods checked, that’s the only way to “see” what’s going on. You should be able to self refer to the community alcohol team ( your local council or google will help with that) . Please accept all the help out there, when I first got ill, I fell through the gap ( alcohol team blamed my mental health, MH team blamed alcohol, so no one would help me! I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks) things have improved so please get the help. Your anxiety is doing you no favours, it’s totally understandable.Take care, stay safe

Hi BigMomma94,

I’m sorry to know that you are going through all this worry, I don’t know what you are going through as I don’t drink but do know the feeling of constantly checking our eyes and any swelling etc. Please do go to your GP when you are ready, they will help you just as the good folk in this special family in this forum. Please take care and try to cut back has much as you feel you can safely, God bless 🙏🏼 X

Ps.

🎄🎁🎄🎁🎄 wishing you and your love ones a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year 🎁 🎄🎁🎄🎁

Hello everyone.Thank you for all your well wishes.

Yesterday I managed to go all day without any drink, got to the evening and had a small glass of sherry after dinner. But that was it.

I realise every day is going to be a mental battle but I am more determined than ever to stop this and I’m not under any illusion that with Christmas two days away, I can’t physically stop drinking altogether because it’s unrealistic for me at the moment but I do just need to get Christmas over with and then I will feel more able to reach out to the GP, and to cut it completely.

Today the goal is again to have no more than one drink perhaps this evening, I did it yesterday so I can do it again today. And maybe that’s what will get me through past Christmas so I can properly address this issue.

I know it sounds like I’m making excuses to drink, I suppose I am. But having one just to get through Christmas is surely better than two bottles a day, for now.

I am noticing more aches and pains as the days go on, I am aware alcohol masks a lot, which is probably why my anxiety surrounding my health is also so high, because I’m not having the alcohol intake to mask it.

I guess the best news is, I am now so aware of the problem I have, the only thing left to do is beat it.

Stopping drinking is up there with the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s like training for a marathon but worse. You can’t just stop drinking without changing a few other things in your lifestyle. It sounds like you’re surrounded by alcohol at home for instance. Why’s that? People who’ve successfully quit have changed loads of other things too.

My family have always been big drinkers. I haven’t lost anyone yet to alcohol thank god, but alcohol has always been in my life, I make preparations before Christmas to always have a lot of it in the house, because a lot of it always gets drank, not even entirely by me!

I won’t pretend being surrounded by drinkers makes things easy, and the only way will be to tell your family your intentions. There are so many plusses to quitting drinking that your successes may well inspire some of them to quit too.

I plan to as soon as Christmas is over. It’s time to definitely be honest.

Laura009
Laura009 in reply to BigMomma94

There is no harm in not buying in drink for Christmas. I don't. If anyone ever comes to visit and wants to drink, they know to bring their own. Good luck with giving up

Laura

Laura009
Laura009 in reply to BigMomma94

Hi Momma try to remind yourself that alcohol is poison.

Trust1
Trust1Administrator

Hi and welcome,

Its wonderful to see the reassuring and kind responses from our members here.

If you are drinking alcohol every day we would suggest that you reach out for some help.

If you are, or have ever been, alcohol dependent or an alcoholic, discuss this with your doctor. In these circumstances it is important to get medical help to give up drinking, as stopping suddenly can, in some cases, lead to severe withdrawal symptoms, including hallucinations and seizures. There are many sources of support and help they can give you or direct you to.

Sometimes taking that first step is hard, but once you have reached out and got medical help and guidance to deal with your alcohol intake, it can change your life for the better.

Our nurse led helpline is open today until 3pm on 0800 652 7330 if you would like a chat.

BigMomma94
BigMomma94 in reply to Trust1

Thank you for your post.I have been scared about withdrawal, one of the things that has caused me to drink every day. I only had one small drink last night, and still nothing today.

When would withdrawals be apparent? I really don’t want to experience those.

I am feeling fine in myself other than some random aches and pains that I don’t usually feel.

Trust1
Trust1Administrator in reply to BigMomma94

We really would suggest you speak to your GP who can advise on a safe alcohol withdrawal programme.

BigMomma94
BigMomma94 in reply to Trust1

I plan to get in touch with the doctors after Christmas. So certainly will do. Thankful I’m feeling well currently.

Just a quick update,I have decided to reach out to my GP today.

I didn’t want to wait, got myself in too much of a panic.

I wanted to hopefully be seen and examined. But the doctor on the phone said it wouldn’t be much help, and to book in for a blood test. It’s not until the 7th jan.

he gave me a link to go to, to get help to stop the drinking completely and he also told me that with my age, and the fact I had only been consuming 2 bottles a day since April this year, I didn’t have much to worry about.

I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel like I do have to worry, and now I’ve got a two week wait for a blood test.

Have I been advised wrong?

That’ll be fine. Wait until 7 Jan and enjoy your Christmas 🙂

Well done for making the appointment

You could start slowly cutting down now or phone an Alcohol advice line for more guidance. Good luck.

Hi, BM94 - I just want to congratulate you on reaching out to your GP now, rather than waiting until after Christmas. You showed real courage and determination by doing that! As others have said, being honest with your GP is of the utmost importance. Remember that developing a drinking issue does NOT make you a “bad person!” Addiction disease (if you have it) is just that - a disease. It is NOT a moral failure. If you had a broken leg or cancer or constant headaches, you would likely speak to your GP without shame, right? Try to feel and act the same way about your drinking. You are to be COMMENDED for reaching out for help. And, as Laura said, please consider removing all alcohol from your home. Your true friends and family will still visit you even if you don’t serve alcohol. I understand your feelings, because you’ve been immersed in this drinking culture for so long. But there are completely other ways to live your life, including standing up for your own right to be healthy. (If you had given up smoking, you wouldn’t keep cigarettes on-hand, right?) Lots of good wishes being sent your way, and keep us posted. ⭐️

There was a massive point to your post, it was probably the first step that you hear people talk about. It might not feel like big step, but it's a brave one.You can make this your turning point.

Life can hard if your sober or not but you dont stand a chance while your poisoning yourself.

8 years ago I was one step away from drinking petrol and living in a skip. What a fool, not a single reason that I drank is relevant now.

I bet your loved, love yourself, you just took a wrong turn that's all, it's what us humans do!

None of us can stand in your individual shoes, but I’ll tell you. I drank A Lot, like could easily put down 15 plus beers in an evening and did so 4-5 days a week for 10 + years with only the occasional break. I quit cold Turkey 5+ years ago, and it took me two years after quitting to get checked and that was when I had gastric sleeve surgery. I had abused my body for years, and my liver was perfect. I only share this to show that there can be light after the dark if you walk away from the drinking. I wish you luck, it’s not easy, nor I can’t begin to tell you how great it is to know my liver is okay and to NEVER wake up with a hangover. Many prayers for much success in your journey.

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