How to let it go....

[fizzix50]

My husband has end stage cirrhosis. Each time he has another drink, it cuts me in two. I am miserable, and he is miserable. He has been hospitalised/near death twice in the last year. How can I separate the man from the action? I know he is killing himself and that makes me angry and sad, but I don't want our remaining time together to be filled with animosity and sadness. How can I get past this? I would be so grateful for any thoughts/advice.

[AyrshireK]

Have you been in touch with AL-ANON ( al-anonuk.org.uk/ ) which is the support group for families of alcoholics, they would be the best placed to support YOU through this. I can't imagine how horrendous it must be watching someone you love literally drinking themselves to death.

Lots of love

Katie xx

[fizzix50 in reply to AyrshireK]

I have attended a family support unit who are lovely, but I'm struggling with the scenarios that run around in my head. Every time I go out I worry what I will find when I get back. He has had two emergency bleeds resulting in hospitalisation of a month each time, and he is such a lovely man, but he just can't give up the demon drink. My son lives a couple of hours away and we talk on the phone but I don't feel I can burden him with my troubles. He was very supportive when his dad was in hospital and came home each time, but I can't burden him with the day to day emotional stuff. We have a consultant review today and I am dreading what he might say. I want to take him away on holiday but am scared he will have an episode whilst we are away and they won't have the capability to treat him and he will die there. Train crash thinking!

[Suzy1littledev]

Hi I'm new to this site. But I know exactly how your feeling. When I was a child we found our mother dead. She abused drugs and alchahol over many years even though we tried everything to stop her. When she finally died it almost destroyed me with guilt for many many years as we did nothing but argue with her. I'm now going through the same thing with my brother. He's an alchaholic who a few weeks ago when we found him confused and bleeding heavily from the mouth, was rushed into hospital. My sister and myself were taken into a room and asked if any major organs other than his liver went into failure did we want to resuscitate him and things were looking very grim. That question alone put my sister and myself in absolute despair. Luckily he pulled through and after a few weeks was sent home. He continues to drink alchahol knowing he's going to kill himself. My sister and I have been trying everything to stop him and get him as much support as we can. But then he descides he doesn't need it. We then argue with him tell him how we feel and get angry with him. But all that does is stresses him out and stresses us out. I don't want our last moments together to be spent arguing and all of us being stressed. My sister and I have now accepted the fact that one day not to far away we will find him dead. But this is his choice not ours. Nothing we can do will make him stop and believe me we've tried. I hate him for what he's putting us through but he's our brother and we love him to. So we just have to accept his choices and make the best of every moment that we have left with him and support him when he needs it. The brother im left with now is not the brother I once had. The alchahol and hep c has destroyed him. He has H.E now so his mind is also not always functioning to its best. my advise to you is to take each day as it comes make the best of it if you can. Get support for your emotional needs whether it be a family member or support group. You will need to vent your anger somewhere. And just remember your well being also matters so take time out for yourself. And just rememember your not alone even though you may feel alone. There are lots of us out here trying to hold on to the ones we love, and at times are struggling with our own feelings and emotions. Try to remind yourself of the good times you had with your husband and remind yourself that even though he's not the man you once knew it's the alchahol that's taken that away. i look at loads of videos photos ect of my brother in happier days and I find myself grateful that I do have great memories with him. They help me get through the bad days also make me focus more on the man he was rather than what he's become. I hope you find a way to cope and you do really need to get your anger out somewhere whether it be a support group a friend, or your son. You can talk to me anytime if you wanted to. We all cope in different ways it's just finding a way to cope that works for you. I've been through this before with my mum so I know exactly what's comeing with my brother. I just choose to cope with my brother differently than I did my mum. And hopefully my sister and myself can make his last days a bit better than we did our mums. I'm not saying it's easy because it's far from it there are days I could absolutely ring his neck for what he's putting us through but I bite my tongue take deep breaths and just remind myself of the person he used to be. My brother is at end stage liver failure. Sorry this was so long xx

[fizzix50 in reply to Suzy1littledev]

Gosh. I am so grateful for your reply and your totally honesty. It is difficult to admit to people that you love an alcoholic. You love them whatever, as you know they have their own demons to struggle with. I am so lucky in some ways; we had many many happy years married (together for 35 years) and we have a wonderful son. This is what keeps me going - as you say - you remember the person they were, not the person they are. I will try really hard to follow your advice of living day by day, and not being so angry with him all the time. I think that is definitely the thing to aim for, so that his time left is spent in a loving environment. Thank you so so much. I will take you up on the offer of being contacted now and again (and will try not to be needy!!) as I feel you really understand how the daily responsibility wears you down over time. Bless you. xx

[Hidden]

I can relate to what has been said here, I am in similar situation, my husband thinks if he takes his tablets all will be fine, but still drinks not as much as he used to do, he has asites , and is drained every 3 to 4 weeks , but it is a strain, you can see it on people's faces , they wonder why you don't walk away I go to counselling every week , it helps a lot, I've never posted on here before, just wanted to let you know, your not alone, kind regards x

[Suzy1littledev in reply to Hidden]

My brother thinks the same that his tablets will cure everything. He even believes the doctors have a drug that will mend the liver completely and that he's going to get it. despite the drs telling him he's in end stage liver failure and if he has so much as one alchaholic drink he could be in cardiac arrest or comma. But it hasn't stopped him drinking. He to gets drained. his last one was two weeks ago he needs it done again but refuses to go. People look at him sometimes in disgust make rude comments but if I'm with him I soon put a stop to it. He's still my brother even if he's not the same as I once knew. And I think that sometimes that's what people forget when there starring or makeing comments. That there is still a person inside that struggling body who's fighting a battle they know nothing about. Xx

[Suzy1littledev]

Wow 35 years is a long time. Keep those good memories flowing in your head. Because as you have experienced yourself you never know what's going to happen from one day to the next. And it is those memories that will keep you strong through whatever happens. You can contact me anytime I really mean that. Don't worry bout feeling needy we all have days when everything just feels to much and we don't know how we're going to cope or get through the next day. sometimes it just helps to chat and get it of your chest. Then your ready to face whatever the next day brings. But make sure you take time out for yourself. Even if it's just one day a week to go do something you enjoy for yourself. Xx

[Geffy22]

Hi I'm sorry to read your post hun.

I don't want to teach you to suck eggs, So I think just pointing out what you already know / feel might help as asking yourself a series of questions may help you.

1. Be honest with yourself, are you hoping he will stop drinking?

2. How realistic are you being in expecting him to give up?

If it's not going to happen, let it go. It not within your gift.

Then if it's behaviour that bothers you

3. What is it about how he is , after drink that upsets you?

4. What can you do to prevent this?

After asking yourself the questions and stacking up your answers, put into place the actions you've identified.

You obviously love him, he absolutely needs you, the ball is in your court to deal with this so it's best for you.

I wish you all be best in the world xoxo

[fizzix50 in reply to Geffy22]

I do hope he will give up drinking, but am aware the chances of this happening are quite slim. He was a keen sportsman and played at quite a high level, and had a very physical job. He then had osteoarthritis in his hips and knees, which prevented him from working and playing sport, and that is when he started to drink heavily. He still has the arthritis of course, and still mourns the loss of his job and his passion. He then developed cirrhosis. Although he says he will try, the reason he started to drink is still there, and I just don't know if he is strong enough mentally to do it. He is a lovely man, and after he has had a drink he is still "normal" (whatever that is!) - it is just that I know every drink takes him closer to leaving me, and that brings me down, I just don't want to lose him. I also know, from posts I have read here, and from what I have witnessed in hospital when he has been admitted, what a cruel and debilitating disease it is, and I don't want him to suffer any more pain - that is what hurts me. I don't believe there is a solution (ie he will not stop drinking) which I find so depressing - I can just see the situation stretching out in front of me, so am permanently on edge waiting for the next hospital admission, each one being worse than the previous one.

I know you lost your husband recently, and I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be for you. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

[Geffy22 in reply to fizzix50]

fizzix50 aw it sounds like he was depressed when he started drinking, and possibly hasn't stopped feeling that way esp as you've used the term mourn.

I'm so glad he is still himself, my hubby showed this horrible angry side 18m before he died. I had no idea it was his liver but in fairness he was so sorry about his behaviour he was very calm for the rest of his life.

Watching someone you love die is horrendous. If he continues to choose as he has, I hope he has a comfortable journey onwards.

I never told my hubby I loved him before he died - we didn't say stuff like that often - so please tell him if you don't already. xoxo

fizzix50

[fizzix50 in reply to Geffy22]

Thanks for this - yes he is pretty much as he was, except for his mobility is reduced, and the alcohol has contributed to that. It sounds really cheesey, but every night when we go to bed I always tell him I love him, in case it is the last time we talk (sounds so melodramatic but in a strange way it does help me). You are right, watching someone fade away in front of you is so hard, but today (at least!) I feel I have turned a bit of a corner, and will try and make the most of every day, even if it is pouring with rain, will try and do something nice for him. xx

[Jan314]

Sadly it seems there are a good number of wives who are in a similar situation. Talk to people. Open up and tell them what's happening you will be surprised how many lives this will have touched. Until recently I felt very anxious about telling people, but I find talking helps. Some are just a shoulder to lean on others will share their own experiences, and some will help with practical stuff. Get out and about, meet friends have fun. You will feel better and stronger to deal with the day to day drudgery of it all. We cannot change the decisions they have made.

Keep strong my friend xx

[fizzix50 in reply to Jan314]

Had another massive argument last night when he came home with a box of wine. He says I won't end up in hospital again, I'm stronger now, just let me live my life. I'm so heartbroken. He has no idea how hard it is for me to watch him, worrying all the time. I feel I have no quality of life, and I don't feel I will have any peace in my life until he dies, but then I feel I must be a really bad person to feel that way......

[Jan314 in reply to fizzix50]

You not a bad person!

I feel like this almost every day when I look at him. You need to try and accept his decision. I know this hard. You must look after yourself so you can look after the others in your life. Get some help. Go to your GP and ask, they will refer you. Make sure your financial situation is secure. Claim benefits if you can. Leave the things you cannot control. You can sort that out when the time comes.

Get out and about, he will do as he likes if you are there or not. Connect with people. Remember YOU have a life go out and live it.

Keep strong my friend, we are here to support you xx

[fizzix50 in reply to Jan314]

I have to go to hospital myself today for an X-ray on a broken collarbone, thankfully virtually healed. He has gone back to bed unwell. He has all the classic signs of pre-collapse condition - sleepiness, tired, poor memory etc. so now I am frightened if I go to the hospital (an hour and a half drive each way) something will happen whilst I am out. I constantly live with this fear each time I do something alone, which is why I don't do it that often I guess. Is it possible to love someone so much and hate them at the same time? Actually I don't hate him, I hate what this disease is doing to him. It is like I am actually grieving already, but I guess I am, grieving for the life we once had. I'm such a mess right now.

[Jan314 in reply to fizzix50]

Go. You must look after yourself.

Tonight I am here sitting right next to him whilst he drifts in and out of sleeping. Shaking, but wants food. Drink in front of him, but he's not doing much of that. Wants to paint some models? What models? The brain is slow to comprehend what's real and in his memory. I encourage him to eat. It's sad but that is how it is.

Tomorrow nothing will have happened. He will wake me in the night sorting through cupboards noisily banging the doors. The blankets I have wrapped him in (the heating system on) will be disgarded.

But for now he is quiet, he's my husband and I love him.

xxx

[Suzy1littledev]

I loved my mum but hated her to. I didn't understand why the alcohol and drugs were more important to her than her own kids. When she died I was relieved, but angry to. Most of our childhood had been taken away because of the way she was. A lot of things happend to us that should never of happened, but they did. When she died, for many years i was tortured by guilt, anger and hate. So much so that I started to go same way as her. It wasn't until I got pregnant with my first child that I turned my life around. I'm now going through the same with my brother and wonder why when he knows what we went through with our mum why on Earth he would put us through it again. But again I've been through it before so I understand it a bit more .And again there's a mixture of anger love and hate. I know he's going to die he still drinks doesn't care about himself and despite being told he's in end stages of liver failure thinks his liver can recover fully. He was told he only needs to have one alchaholic drink and that could be it. He lives on his own, his choice. My sister and I visit him regular and phone him morning and night. But if we don't get an answer straight away we're in a panic to get to him. We dread what we're going to find. And then when we find he's ok it's a mixture of relief and anger. Relief he's alive and anger because of the fear we were put through. Then there are days when I look at my brother struggling to breath and walk, going in and out of confusion spending his life mostly in bed or drinking, when I feel absolute pity for him and wish he would just go to sleep and not wake. Because he really doesn't have a life. But at the same time not wanting to let go of him. Each time I come away from him I'm on edge wondering if this is the last time I will see him. Will he die peacefully or am I going to have to be the one to switch machines of if he goes into a coma or his other organs fail. My brother had everything, travelled allot to different country's. A beautiful daughter that he thought he'd never have, a lovely wife. And the alchahol addiction has taken it all away from him. But as harsh as this sounds it's always his choice. And it's mine and my sisters choice to stand by him till the end. Your husband has a choice the same as my brother does. Yes they have an addiction but they can fight it with hard work. But if they don't want to fight we can't make them. We are human to, so no matter what, we are going to have different emotions everyday and those emotions and feelings may not always be nice ones. No day is the same, each day becomes a battle with what we feel and what they feel. You are already grieving for the person your husband was before the alchahol, part of grief is all the other emotions that come with it. Life has to go on for you whatever the outcome with your husband will be. And you do have to go out and have some kind of normality even if your afraid of what your comeing back to. If something is going to happen it's going to happen if your there with him or your out. But if something were to happen and your beating yourself down with constant careing and not takeing care of yourself it will make it all the harder to deal with. Your the one that will have to deal with the aftermath of what your husbands doing to himself. so youve got to make sure your as strong as you can be for whatever may come. It's not wrong to try and preserve your own presavation. It isn't all about them, and shouldn't be all about them, although it can feel like that. I also know everything is easier said than done. There are days when I don't want to leave my brother at all for fear of loosing him. xxx

[Jan314 in reply to Suzy1littledev]

You are so right. We all try our best with this. Xxx