British Liver Trust
12,013 members • 5,945 posts

Feeling a bit deflated 😔

Hi everyone,

I hope people don't mind me having a bit of a rant and moan but I think some of you will totally understand.

I'm really struggling with falling into a natural "pattern" of being on the transplant list. I am an organised person and packed my bag and put in place things that I can like dog care, my twin boys school aware etc but I'm just finding it hard to "chill out"

I have only been on the list for 7 weeks and I'm sure in time it becomes easier. I just feel a bit down and tearful lately. I have my hubby and friends to talk to but don't know what's making me feel so low 😔

Health wise, still feeling pretty poorly last clinic my bilirubin hit an all time high of 203 and my INR is going up each month. I'm jaundiced, lacking energy and have constant pain to right side. I have pjs on by 8pm and laying on sofa. I try and stay as active as I can walking dog during day, still do school run, food shopping etc but do what I can physically manage.

I think the hardest thing at mo is knowing I could get my call at any time or in a few weeks/months or a years time. How you can go from the uncertainty of when it's time for my operation to thinking it could all be done and in recovery this time in 24 hours!!!!!

Believe me, I'm a positive person and trying to stay upbeat, happy and put it to back of my mind.

I'm so grateful I have been chosen to be on the waiting list for such a precious gift and I never ever forget that.

Has anyone else felt like this too or do

I need to just pull my "big girl brave pants" higher.

Much love to you all and sorry to moan Nicki 💞

22 Replies
oldest • newest

Yes it's hard!

I didn't have to wait to long when I got on the list because I was put on priority and got the transplant within a month. However that came at a cost of being so ill that I started worrying that as the days went by I'd make it.

My advice would be to take one day at a time, make sure you get out and take the dogs for a walk every day, look after yourself and just try to live your life whilst you wait. Although I didn't have long I did take the opportunity to try and get out for a coffee, cream tea or ice cream every day. In a way I made it into a not completely terrible experience.

5 likes
Reply

Thank you for your reply Rodeojoe, walking my dog does help usually plugged into my iPhone listening to cheesey pop music 😍

I guess I feel more uneasy in the evening when my phone rings later and my husband and I look at phone!

I hope you are still recovering well. always nice to hear form everyone that these feelings are "normal". Much love Nicki 💞

2 likes
Reply

Hello there, I think everyone here can appreciate the rollercoaster of emotions you are going through. I expect someone has mentioned this already but in case not, I,ve seen a few folk waiting for "the call" say that they find having a separate phone just for the transplant team helps. That way, their not jumping out of their skins every time the phone rings and so can chill out a little better. Hope you get the call soon. Best wishes, anne.

5 likes
Reply

Hi tillycindy,

Thank you for your reply. I usually jump up when the phone rings at night and it's PPI or the famous call to say about an accident I had recently or I've been lucky enough to win £500 😂 Luckily, I block those numbers. I've only had the co-ordinators ring twice for catch up and it comes up "unknown" or "no caller ID". A recognised number would be easier though. That is a good idea about having a different phone something I might think of doing.

I sure I'll get myself into a calmer state and routine soon about the list. I am patient and know it's going to be a while before I get a call.

Even my GP said the other day have the hospital gave me a rough idea how long the wait is......I know that there is no answer to that one.

Much love. Nicki 💞

2 likes
Reply

Hi Nicki

Yes I can understand the uncertainty for you. Everyone who has been transplanted advises to do exactly what you are doing -keeping active as possible.

My husband has been on the list one week and it's a strange feeling of not being in control of your future -he was told to expect a long wait as he not as unwell as some. But it makes you think almost is it better to be more poorly to speed up the list! Like you say though thank goodness you are on the list. I imagine there are a lot of people wishing this. X

1 like
Reply

Binkatherine,

Thank you for your reply. I know that I am very lucky to have been assessed and it was decided that I am in need of a liver transplant. My health has deteriorated over the past 10 years since I was diagnosed with my PBC. Thank goodness for this forum and people giving advice and support. I hope your husband does not have too long to wait.

Much love to you both. Nicki 💞

1 like
Reply

Hi Chris,

Thank you for your reply. I do walk around with my phone and make sure it's always charged and take it to bed too. Always have my hands free device enabled in the car. Even if I am in the shower, I will make sure my hubby or my boys know where my phone is too to listen out for it.

Take care and much love. Nicki 💞

1 like
Reply

Hi nicki, really feel for you and understand exactly what you mean , there's no easy answer and it really is an emotional rollercoaster , I'm just over a year post transplant and I still jump when an unknown number calls , when I got the call it was a mobile number , take care nicki hope your call comes soon 💞🌸

2 likes
Reply

Hi hun, funnily enough, I got a mobile number call this afternoon that I did not recognise and it was a marketing call 😡 So another one I blocked on my phone. Hope your keeping well. Much love. Nicki 💞

1 like
Reply

Hi nicki, I'm fine few issues here and there but nothing major, it's a weird thing being on the list you try to consciously not think about the phone but it means it's always there in your head, so emotionally draining, then when you do get the call it feels so unexpected, I got the call at 2 o'clock in the morning , look after yourself 😘

1 like
Reply

Glad your ok hunni. Im sure the call is going to come when I least expect it. A few people have advised me that it tends to come early hours of the morning so I go to bed thinking about it but am so knackered I'm soon fast asleep. 💤💤💤

You look after yourself too sweetie. Nicki 💞

1 like
Reply

Hi, I'm sure we all know how you feel, stay positive. Life will seem topsy turvy, I found sitting aside for five minutes just a little quite time helps. I hope all goes good for you..

Es

3 likes
Reply

Hi Nicki, Also got listed 7 weeks ago. Am feeling more tired. Walk dogs every day & love time with my 4 granddaughters!!! Try to take it Day by day! Keep strong the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter!

2 likes
Reply

Hi ya Dorest123,

I've replied to your most recent post and hope yr second call resulted in your transplant successfully going ahead? If you able to, be good to hear from you. Much love. Nicki 💞

1 like
Reply

hi there!

all your feelings are natural and normal. I also like to be cheerful, and being organized is really the best you can do.

You need to accept what is happening and go about your normal life.

Often the first time they call it is not a good match..for whatever reason. Some people have been called in many times over..in fact, you should be more prepared for that than getting it the first time around.

When they called me they straight away said we have a liver, but we don't know yet if its going to be the right one for you and they said it over and over for the next 12 hours.

They found a blood clot somewhere in my donor and had to check that first in pathology.

I am a rare blood type..A- so it was a miracle that the first one was actually put in.

And not to upset you, because I have something very rare..I wish they WOULD have waited for the next organ..because now I have to get another LTX because the one I have is going to fail..I'm already having serious problems with it.

SO! Trust me..you want the right liver, which may not be the first.

Ive been in the hospital a few times since and seen people come in, ready to go, waiting, only to see them sent home.

7 weeks is nothing..on the average its over 3 months and some people wait for years.

Again, sorry..but just a reality check..

Just know that crying, being scared, and fearful..all of it is normal.

Your going through what we all do.

And that's ok. You will get the call when you least expect it. Just keep your hospital bag packed and ready to go..Take your meds and do what the doctors say. Really, that's about all you can do.

Good luck!

Cheering you on!

kimberly

2 likes
Reply

Hi Kimberly

Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear that you need to have another transplant and your liver is not working out for you 😔

Your right, I would rather a false alarm or few to know I'm getting the best suited lover match for me it must be so difficult for you Hun 😔

I have been much better past few days and trying to put it all to the back of my mind (if that's possible)!

It's half term week so planned a couple of meet ups with friends for a cuppa tea and a harvester meal with my 3 closest friends weds afternoon.

Went on a nice walk through the forest yesterday which was a little contradictory as yes - it gave me a bit more energy during the day but left me even more tired last night. Was good to blow away the cobwebs though in the fresh air.

Keep us all posted on how you are and wishing you well.

Much love. Njcki 💞

1 like
Reply

Hey, nicki you moan and rant as much as you like.

What is happening to you now about being on the waiting list is a natural (dare I say it) human response.

What the transplant coordinators don't always manage to do is prepare you for is the emotional roller coaster your about to go through. I don't wish to scare you that's certainly not my intention and I guess we are all different. But I certainly became very emotional after my transplant and at one point recall just sitting up in my bed on the ward just sobbing.

For weeks afterwards I felt so unworthy of this gift. In a strange sort of way the surgeons and doctors at the QE liked to hear this, as it made them feel that their job had been worth while. They, like me realised that although my transplant was alcohol-related. They knew that I would never treat this gift of a second chance liver like I had treated my own.

Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Your life is about to change and you'll see life through completely different eyes.

Good Luck to you.

Regards

Richardx

Reply

My hubby was listed last Tuesday and had his transplant on Saturday morning. Still don't think it's properly sunk in. Scariest but also best phonecall you will ever receive. Keep the faith. It WILL happen xxxxxxxxx

Reply

Hi Nicki

What your feeling is 100% natural everybody on here who are pre or post transplant know exactly what you are going through, you should give yourself one hell of a pat on your back for coping the way you do and getting things as organised as you have🖐

Being on the list is draining but don’t let it stop you enjoying life you could be on the list for months & months there people on here been waiting 2 years and more & others days it really depends how your own liver is coping I’ve been 14 months for first call and now waiting again please stay strong and you wanna rant then rant away.

Take care

Huw

Reply

Nicki had her transplant and two months ago posted about her 1 year liverversary. This is quite an old post everyone is responding to.

Katie

Reply

O thanks katie

Reply

Hi everyone,

Thank you Katie for mentioning this was an old post. I had my transplant in January 2017 after 4 months on the waiting list. I was taken very ill and ambulanced to hospital and waited a further 7 days for my life saving operation.

I’m just about to add a new post about my recent clinic appt.

Sorry I haven’t logged on for a while (me bad).

Sending love to everyone xxx

Reply

You may also like...