Need help with decision

i think the best way to think about this is how you would feel if you did not go and spend time with him. you say that you thought that work would be a nice distraction but now that you know the end is near you just want to be with him. i think you have answered your own question in saying you just want to be with him. it doesnt sound to me as if work would be a nice distraction as your saying that your so sad and think about him during your work day. so its not a distraction. do you think that you would get depressed when he has passed away if you dont go and spend time with him now? at least you will know that you were a comfort and did not leave him in his last hours..its going to be painful either way. i cant make up your mind but i would say go and spend time with him. you can affort it financially. your sad now and your not seeing him. its only natural to get sad when our loved ones are dying. i went through it with my mother and im so glad i was there for her. i used to put my hands through her hair and say "its grace: and she was so comforted knowing i was there. but thats me and i would never have forgiven myself if i had not been by her side. she put me first all my life. so i wanted to be with her. im so glad i was with my mum. it will be 6 years on the 8th of this month. there is no escaping the pain if you go or dont go. either way its going to be painful. GO. love grace and god bless you dear. xoxo 🙏

This is such a difficult decision. You are already thinking about him while at work and you are sad. You want to be with him. However, it sounds like you are concerned that if you are with him all the time you may become too depressed and not be emotionally able to handle the situation. Do you live in the same town as he does? Is there anyone else (family, friend, etc.) who could also help? Could you just cut back on your hours; thereby, still having the work distraction to some extent? Or maybe you could take a leave, be an uplifting force in his life, and help him finish doing some things he always wanted to complete? You will have to weigh all the possibilities and decide what seems the best option for you. I wish you well. Whatever decision you make remember that it was the best decision you could have made! No regrets, ever...

With love,

Sharon

I agree with grace111, your sad when you don t see him and sad when you do.They are both going to be painful.Maybe ask yourself:do you want to be there when he passes away?, will you wish you were there? Or do you want to work(less hours if you can,to be with him more? The passing of a parent(in my experience) is something that is with you for the rest of YOUR life. Think of every aspect and i m sure you will do what's best for you both.Thinking of you at this extremely difficult time TC Jenny xx

I can only tell you from my experience I am in very bad health myself and I had time off work to be with my father I was with him for 6 hrs a day every day in the last ten days naturally it was very upsetting but I wouldn't have had it any other way I was the only one there when he passed I was able to tell him how much I loved him an he gave me signs that I will never forget he passed with alzeimers I don't know where my strength came from but I did it . You have to do what you feel is right for you,

Hi - I've not posted on here before (joined because I was having symptoms and tests on liver,and still am) so I don't feel that I've got any right to "butt in" or offer opinions....but reading your post really touched my heart. I can only say that I do think you should try to spend as much time as you can with your dad, because NOTHING is as important as family. If you only had a short time to live, wouldn't you want your child/children around you? You'll never have that time with your dad again. Yes, it will be emotionally hard on you, and you do need to make sure that YOU have lots of support too - maybe from a bereavement counsellor? I am in my 60s and my health isn't good, and my only family is one daughter....and our relationship broke down (partly my fault, but also hers too). I would give anything to hear from her, and for us to reconcile before it's too late, but she doesn't want to. I still have hope, and I pray every day, but also have to accept that it's her choice not to talk. So trust me - nothing is as important as family. It's wonderful that you do want to be with your dad, even though it'll be hard. Just make sure you get a break when you need to, it's not selfish to look after your own needs. I wish you all the best, and hope you don't mind me sending you this. S. x

Always a tough decision. You know in your heart what's right for you. Make sure you have that support from other people. Maybe reduce your hours temporary and I hope work are fully aware of the situation and will be supportive.

It's amazing how much strength you have inside even if you don't feel it. Im always amazed by how much strength can be found in the darkest moments.

This week a close friend of mine lost her healthy 40year old cousin suddenly to a brain aneurysm leaving a 4 year old child without a mum. I know she would want to have that chance to say a proper goodbye.

Do you have a history of depression?

Xx

Hi im so sorry to hear what you are going through! I can only advise on my experience, I lost my dad 3 months ago after him spending two months in hospital, after 7 weeks of him being there we were told he wouldn't pull through and they stopped his treatment, I dropped everything and spent every hour I could with him they even let me and my brother stay overnight with him, it was difficult to be there but even harder to be at home because all I could think about was being back there, my dad hung on for 8 days after they stopped treatment and I can say ill cherish those precious hours we had at the end because even though it was the worst feeling ever it was a comfort knowing we were with him. Everyone is different and I know some people couldn't go through that but I know I'd have regretted it if I wasn't there, I hope things go as well as they can for you hun x

Take the time off my dad has lived in heaven for the past 20 years, and I would give anything to speak to him you will regret it if you dont. You obviously think the world of him to have written on the forum take care and give him lots of kisses and hugs and give him one from me. Xx

How do think it would make you feel if you dont spend the time with him? Sounds to me that you ve already given yourself your answer.....you need to look after yourself but for piece of mind it sounds as if you need to be with him

Can u reduce hours rather than be off completely....this would give some sort of normality?

Otherwise u need to do other things during the day as well so that you do not get too down if that is a possibility.arrange to see friends and have a walk do not spend every last minute with him.

However you can give him suppprt and get some peace for yourself .

Dont forget to draw on social servuces who can via his doc put some help in some personal care/meal help...you would need to get this in place before you do go off work or they will expect you to do all of it!!!

If he has larger amounts of money he would have to pay towards this.thats assumong youre in england ?

If you take on the whole caring role it may be very intense without some other support.

Good luck with uour decisions.best wishes cazer.x

Hi Lperica10 with me it was different as I got the chance of being with my father before he died taken from me as he collapsed at his home in the early hours and was dead when my mother found him a short time later. I had ,had an argument with him the last time we spoke. I can honestly say that this still haunts me to this day for not getting the opportunity to make everything right between us, and what I would give to get that chance. So to me your decision should be a no brainier and it's to spend the rest of the time he's got with him as you can't change your mind later.All my thoughts and empathy are with you at this difficult time. Ian

So many great responses I thank everyone. I should add that I was off work for 8 weeks in June July and August and was with him everyday for every doctors appt, general help, and day to day living. It exhausted me and family had their comments about I can't believe I would give up my life for someone who wasn't there for me and did want he wanted his entire life (drank). Etc etc. even was told my husband will get sick of it. So then I returned to work and am finding I am still with him 4 days a week plus work (40 hours) and phone calls from medical staff while I'm at work. So now it is just more exhausting. So I thought if I took a leave I would be able to spend time with him. No family talks to him because they say "he did this to himself, has been selfish his entire life" etc etc.

Its what you can cope with make the most of the days you can with him your never get them days back if you can afford to take time of with out losing your job xx hope that helps. I lost my mum Christmas day after a operation was not expected I wish I done more with her xx.

Bless you, you sound such a loving, caring and forgiving daughter...you should be proud of yourself, it takes someone with a beautiful heart to carry on caring and to be able to show forgiveness when you have undoubtedly suffered great emotional pain as a result of your dads drinking.

It is extremely sad that in this time of need your sisters are not around to help you and, worse still, it sounds like you are being made to feel that you should adopt the same attitude. You are, in fact, the bigger person and if it's any consolation, in the years ahead you will know peace, knowing that you did your best and you showed love, compassion and forgiveness towards your dad.

Alcholism is a horrible disease, it destroys relationships, it causes anger, pain and frustration to loved ones and, sadly, no one but the sufferer can make the decision to change.

All I can say is you must follow your heart, make the decision that is right for you. With regard to the comments made about your husband, talk to him, explain why you're doing what you're doing and I'm sure he will not only understand but will also be proud of the person you are.

Praying for you 🙏🏻

Jacqui

Hello, having read your beautiful post and the very caring replies. I feel You need to focus on your needs and what will, looking back give you a sense of peace, joy and fulfilment . you and your relationship with your father , to me, takes precedent here .x x x I wish you big hugs.

I have read this post and the caring replies with interest having found myself in a similar position. My mum has very quickly taken a downhill turn healthwise - she has cirrhosis and only 4 wks ago was in a specialist liver unit having an assessment for transplant for which she was deemed to be too frail. She came home for 3 days and and since then has been in our local hospital with severe hepatic encephalopathy, fading each day a little more and heartbreakingly no longer knows who I am. The doctors are now talking end of life care.

My own GP has just this evening signed me off work as I am having anxiety (something I've never suffered with before) his words were to spend more time with my mum as you never get this time back, and to look after myself. I am feel so guilty about the extra pressures that will be put on my colleagues and worried about the extra work that will build up for my return. I also don't want to be too hasty taking absence from work as I don't know how much longer she'll be with us and will she need me more nearer the end - how soon will that be? I have got my name on a waiting list for some pre bereavement councilling, perhaps that may benefit you too? Especially as like me you have no family members to support you. My heart and thoughts go out to you xxx

Thank you everyone for the responses. Your advice, kind words, and sharing your own stories made me feel a lot better. Especially the part about not getting the time with him back. Work is work and I am 31, it will be there a lot longer than my dad. So I think I will talk to my work and see what I can take off.

Ok I slept on it and woke up with a completely different thought. I don't think I should do it because if I take off a month what happens when he needs me more than a month? I can't loose my job... it is so important to me and I've been in my current position 1 year and I finally found a job I love. I guess my family is right I can't take off for someone who didn't give a ---- about me all those years.

On my way to hospital. This afternoon he was rushed from nursing/rehabilition facility to a hospital and from that hospital he was life flighted to another hospital. They think this is it. (Internal bleeding)

He will know how much you cared for him, in the end love is all that matters and you have loved him....x

Do you love your father? If you do, do you really need to ask?? I know I say do not worry over me when I am sick, but I know my kids love me and will do it anyway. I would want my loved ones near me. If my loved ones made a big deal out of being there I would feel bad, even if it were I that were dying. If you care be there. If you are more important to you, then do not. Many people will ignore my words. Self has become the focuses in modern times. Is it the right way?

Be with your Dad, you'll regret it if u don't. Stay strong. Can you not go on the sick?? That's what I did. Take care love & light X