Long hard year

[Rattyp]

I found my c lump 12 months ago last Thursday. This is one of the only dates I have remembered. I knew from that day what I was facing and it's been hard. I so miss being me !!

[Lainey66]

Ah honey, I know exactly how you feel. I found my lump on Monday 22nd September 2015, I had my mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy on Monday 29th of September,  I saw the consultant at the end of the day who told me to return to the clinic on the following  Friday, 2nd October, with my next of kin. I knew then that this was not going to be good news. I returned and I was right...  I have breast cancer. I was 18 days from my 49th birthday. I know exactly how you feel. It has been a tsunami of appointments, treatments, surgery, more treatment with more to come.  I am six months into it now and often just think of wanting to be 'back to me', have my life back, just a normal day with no cancer.  However it's not to be, not for a while anyway. I have TNBC once my treatment ends in June, there is nothing left, my life, and all of our lives effectively become a 'waiting game' always looking over our shoulder for this awful disease to reappear. We have to take charge psychologically then and build up not only our physical strength, but our psychological and emotional strength too. I feel that this will take a while and with the help of each other here, from our local cancer support services and from our sheer determination, courage and fighting spirit we will do this to the best of out ability. It is 3:39 a.m. here, I often wake up at these ridiculous times, but use them for thinking, planning, reading posts etc.  I want my regular sleeping pattern back. To sleep peacefully without worry or fear. It will happen one day, but not right now. I wish you well and am hoping that you find the New You, because this cancer takes away the old us just through its nature. I'm sure you will. My motto after this 'shiz' has died down is 'work to live, not live to work and to enjoy life and not endure it!' I hope you can do this too. All positive feelings are being sent to you right now with a massive hug from a fellow fighter. X Lainey 

[Hidden in reply to Lainey66]

Lainey this is a great post and I couldn't express it better myself. I find myself seeking things to do and new experiences, really trying to live life but obviously the 'what ifs' sneak in sometimes and I have a fabulous counsellor who helps me through the negative thoughts, finding a way to remove or manage the fear factor.

I miss being me too but it is slowly emerging stronger than ever with more zest for really living than before! 

Hugs to you and everyone else reading these posts xx

[Rattyp in reply to Lainey66]

Ty so much for ur message x

[Lainey66 in reply to Rattyp]

You are more than welcome. Life isn't easy for us at the moment, but we are strong xxx

[ChrisChambers in reply to Lainey66]

You put it really well. Thursday 7/4 is 1 yr since l was called back and had the 2nd mammogram, scan and biopsy. 14/4 is when I was told yes u have cancer. And so the roller coaster begins. My 1st year mammogram is next Friday 15/4/16. And as I too am TNBC I'm dreading it. So have been abit quiet on here lately. Sometimes I want to talk to everyone and other times I think if I hear the word cancer one more time..........😩

[Lainey66 in reply to ChrisChambers]

I certainly know that feeling very well, I have got to the point where I am avoiding folk as they don't seem to know what else to talk about 😩

[Abcdefghijkl60]

Time is a great healer you will feel better I did ..take care 😀never give up 😉Kate 

[Saralouise]

It is a journey of many hurdles, look how far you have come. I miss the old me, my life as it was but I am beginning to treasure things more, smile big smiles and instead of taking my life for granted get excited about little things. I am still early days and struggling through chemo, cry at the slightest things, and have the panics of 'what ifs'. Be good to yourself and listen to the birds singing. I read everyone's comments and they are all so well written, I struggle to put my words into text xxx 

[Jowigs]

It does get easier. I quite like the new me. I miss being carefree but then I don't think I was ever 100% carefree. I am much more positive now, glad to be alive. I ensure that I squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of everything. I'm grateful for the wonderful family and friends I have. I still have the odd prickle of fear but I chase it off quickly! I hope you manage to find this peace soon, it will come. Xx

[Hidden]

The 'me' in you is still there and it will shine through. It sounds as though you have a strong network around you. I was 2 years into retirement when the cancer hit. I guess it was somewhat easier than if I had been working but I found that my ex - colleagues and friends and family have have kept me going. I send out a group email every so often giving a medical update and have so many lovely replies. Keep the pecker up and you will get through it. Positive thinking pulls you through. My best wishes to you with big hugs x

[1508]

I too only remember my biopsy date 31st March 2015 but following a mastectomy chemotherapy and radiotherapy followed by herceptin injections and tablets for 5 years we are still here and fighting keep fighting x

[Nixh]

I miss being me also, but sometimes wonder if me was all it was cracked up to be... I say this because life bc (before cancer) was ok but looking back not necessarily great. I have a wonderful family, great job that I enjoy but had some money worries that I couldn't share (but oddly enough did share the week before my letter dropped on my mat for my recall after screening - almost like I knew this life changing moment was coming!). 

So the "me" now is not whole, I have only one breast, numerous scars, horrid hair and more surgery on the horizon but does this make me less of a person? No, I think I'm more now, a bigger and better Me 🎉😍 (definitely bigger lol, bloody steroids😂)

I still get restless when I do routine things day in and day out but then remember how much I craved these routines  when I was recouperating from surgery and not able to move or shattered from chemo... So now I try (doesn't always work but I try! 😁) to enjoy anything and everything, life is precious whatever you're doing, wherever you are 😊... 

So Ratty, my advice is don't get hooked up on what you were before try to remember -  you are more than you were before, not less!!  

Big hugs to all xx  (sorry for the long post was on a roll!) ...

[Rattyp in reply to Nixh]

Ty for reply

[janetjanet9]

Good afternoon,I understand exactly how you feel,on 30/08/10 I was there too with an aggressive grade 3 breast cancer,luckily I found it in time.I had a mastectomy,lymph node removal,chemotherapy, which caused a blood clot,so was on blood thinning injections daily for 6 months,radiotherapy, from ct scan they found a cyst in my chest wall,I had to have my ovaries zapped by radiotherapy as they couldn't put me on tamoxofen due to the clot so had to go on anastrozole(for ladies who I have gone thru the menopause which I hadn't) to lower my oestrogen,herceptin every 3 weeks,think about 15 doses,in the meantime I had a biopsy on the growth in my chest wall, thank god it was only a cyst,that got infected from the biopsy so I had to have an operation thru the breast bone to remove it.Over a period of 2 years I had a total of 5 operations,also having to deal with hair loss,feeling sick,not eating as you can't taste stuff and generally feeling I'll with chemo.On a positive note I had breast reconstructive surgery in 2013 and am having some cosmetic surgery in May,I think 8 ops altogether! I feel a new woman,left the old me behind.I'm very grateful to all the hospital staff,their work is amazing and my family held me up,there was always somebody to talk to.So the best advice is leave it all in the past, look forward,look to the skies, listen to the birds and smell the flowers,the new you is bursting to escape.Please feel free to contact me out your need any advice,sometimes its just nice to unburden stuff X 

[Rattyp in reply to janetjanet9]

Gosh u have been through it, ty for taking the time to comment x

[janetjanet9 in reply to Rattyp]

That's OK,what we're all here for x 

[Lindakelly]

All of the previous posts are amazing and like you all I just wanted to get back to being me! I was diagnosed in October 2014 so spent last year like most of you going through chemotherapy, mastectomy and radiotherapy. I had had a knee replacement 9 months before diagnosis and just after I retired from work. I had complications but then had awful problems with the knee whilst having the chemotherapy. I eventually got it sorted in early Feb. This year!  With lots of exercises and physio help, I am now beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I have been out for a wonderful ride today and had my first canter in over a year. I really feel I am on my way now! 

I am 66 so feel I have to get on and grab life by the you know what's!!!! 

Good luck and hugs to everyone X

Linda 

[Rattyp in reply to Lindakelly]

Same to u x

[Hidden]

You are all bloody FANTASTIC, strong and real people.  Your comments sum it all up. We are all different but the same. I still don't really know me, I thought I did but ...... Time will tell. Had a very tearful morning yesterday, don't know where it came from, however today was better.  Grab your happiness, however short with two hands and a strong heart, be you as you are now.. Marilyn

[Jacks5]

I sort of know what you mean after being diagnosed last June iv had a lumpectomy followed by mastectomy,  chemo, radiotherapy & am now on Anastrozole.  I  feel like i cant remember the person  i used to be. But i know i really appreciate the people that have loved & supported me. Take care & hugs to everyone x

[Dmhaynes]

As all the above replies have said it does get easier as time goes by. It will be 2 yrs next month since my diagnosis when I spent my 43rd birthday having a full body CT and biopsies taken from my arm pit 😕 I do miss the old me physically when I was much slimmer and had two equal boobs!! But I do feel much stronger emotionally and try to make the most of my time on this earth especially with my daughters. I'm hoping to have my reconstruction done soon and have decided to have the other breast removed at the same time and at least then I will be even!!

We can never who we were before the whole "cancer" thing happened we can only look forward and make the most of the life we have ahead of us. It's never plain sailing but then wouldn't life be boring??!! 😜