One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started..

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a

nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after


split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that


And then the fight started..

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to


care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more

important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50

mph, so I

pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly

undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,

now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid


is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3


I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify

my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and

come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'

And then the fight started..

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

And then the fight started........

30 Replies

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  • Very good. just got back from a lovely dinner party. Can't remember most of the conversation but I suppose the fight will start tomorrow - hic


  • Thanks JP

    Better make sure you are wearing your tin hat.


  • Hi BurraboyEasty I was just about to go to bed and made the mistake of reading your post. Now myself and Wifey can't do anything for laughing. I'll stop up for a while, have a mug of hot milk to help me calm down before turning in for the night.


    PS: Don't know if I've missed your planned update about Susan. I hope that she is making a good recovery. She has been in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Thanks Mate

    Maybe need to add a little something to the milk??

    As I am a teetotaler, I can only guess, but I have seen enough "old" English movies

    I remember well, the bottle of something being added.


    I have not sent an update on Susan as yet. Hopefully she will be coming home tomorrow.


  • G'Day mate

    Great news about Susan.

    Loved the jokes... Hilarious ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    Pommie Velvet xx

  • G'day Mate

    I still have a laugh when I read them. Hope the fishing one does not come to light.

    I will need to go back home when I go fishing next. Just to check that the dog is okay!!

    Just arrived home from the hospital.

    I may need to put the tin hat on. Susan is determined to come home tomorrow. Do not think she like's my remarks about putting new blades on the mower and sharpening the axe so she can chop the wood for the fire and mow the 1 and 1/2 acres of grass.

    I do not understand women. I tried to explain that she could have the day off tomorrow as she may be tired from the drive home. Then she could start, probably with the washing, as it has not been done since she rudely walked out on me 2 weeks ago with a cock and bull story about going to hospital. Every day I visited my wife she was lounging about in a bed, to tired to feed herself, they even had a tube down her throat, I wondered if she wanted a rest from breathing on her own.The staff were very obliging because I noticed lots of tubes sticking out of her, they must have been feeding her. Well her little holiday is over so ..... watch this space

    The Wild Colonial Boy

  • Now why does that remind me of velvet and mr v?

  • Ha Ha

    Why did you think that.

    I thought I was the only one who wears a tin hat.


  • Have you not read velvets posts? Mr v has recently had a hip operation so velvet's 'dishwasher' hasn't been working - needless to say she soon had that fixed once mr v was out of hospital!

  • Yes I have been following Mr V's recovery

    I thought she may have traded the old one in although I do not think Velvet would have received much in the way of a trade in.

    But sometimes it is well worth the cost to repair the old one I believe that model is dependable.


  • Thankyou for the laughs Will. I liked the fishing one:-)

    I hope Mrs Will is making a good recovery after the operation. It must be happy in your house:-)

  • Thanks Jennifer

    Fingers crossed, Susan may be coming home tomorrow.

    We have had a few complications after surgery, still time should heal them.

    Thank you for asking


  • That is wonderful news.So pleased for you both.

  • Thanks Peter

    Hope to catch up with you tomorrow at the Alfred.

    Around 1pm


  • well just got home from lovely lunch with my sister at nice French restaurant...can you believe asked for some Dijon mustard and not home and had no one to fight with about a French restaurant not having seeded mustard....heheeee.

  • Good morning piping..I'm sure heads will roll....:-)

  • Brilliant way to start the day with a good laugh thank-you ;-)

  • 5 muscles to smile 37 to frown

    Who wants to work??


  • Very funny Will.

    Hope you are well. How is Susan? Xxxxx

  • G'day Sassy

    Just doing an update on Susan now


  • Thank you!! I enjoyed reading. ๐Ÿ˜ How is Susan? You've probably done an update which I have probably missed. I hope all is going smoothly. xx

  • Thanks Cas

    I am just doing the update now


  • A good laugh to start the day, thanks Burraboy! Xx

  • Glad you enjoyed it


  • love them - keep them coming - thank you xxx

  • Thanks Undine

    Nice to hear from you

    As Hal Roach would say "Everyone needs a good laugh. It is the spice of life"


  • ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒxx


    Back to you too Pab


  • Very funny, couldn't stop laughing - thanks.

  • Thanks SkinnyLizzy

    What a wonderful world this could be if more of us had a good laugh.

    I did this a lot in my younger days as I watched my children grow. Nowadays I cannot watch a so called comedian, male or female due to their "profanity".

    My fav enjoyment is watching an old English movie, especially the carry on movies and anything with Kenneth Moore featured.


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