British Lung Foundation

Joke of the Day

I do not like Del Taco, but I was in California on business, there was one right next to my hotel, and I was very tired and very hungry. Long line at the drive in inches forward slowly and I'm trying not to fall asleep in my car. I pay for my meal, collect the food, and drive off before realizing that I never ordered. I had driven right by the order box and paid for/collected the meal of whoever was behind me in line.

I lost my drivers license, when I was looking around my house for it, I came across my old expired one and put it in my pocket; an hour later I thought I found my license in my pocket... had 15 minutes of satisfaction before I realized it was the old one.

A couple of months ago, I went to Staples to copy a bunch of syllabi for my students - probably around 50 sheets. I originally asked the lady at the desk to do it because I wasn't quite sure how the self-serve station worked and I didn't want to look like an idiot but she said it would save me money to do it myself. So, I decided to do self-serve. I waited as the dozens of copies came out. I went to pick up the copies and, lo and behold, it was blank paper. I had put the syllabi the wrong way into the feeder. So, I picked them up, put them in my folder and didn't go try to get a refund. I paid £20 for blank paper. Oh, what shame will do.

Subject: Senior moment - A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.

A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in...............

7 Replies

Morning Berwick, excellent bank joke, would love to send that to mine. The do you fart in bed, My house is quiet except for me laughing and its echoing round the house, because there is no other noise. Made my day Nannyb xx


... and a hysterically happy Xmas to all - superb! Lmao (very appropriately!)



Loved the bank joke revenge is sweet.



Very clever xxx


Lol, loved the farting one Berwick. x


Thank you berwick. Hope you are feeling stronger. :-) Alison


I loved those jokes especially the last one . I was roaring with laughter. X


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