We need help why does my family not understand.

I hate asking for help, over the last few years I am sure it is obvious that my hubby and myself cannot manage to do things by ourselves. I asked my daughter and son in law to paint our spare room which they did and I have ordered a new carpet to come today but they left us lots of heavy things in the room which we have had to move this morning, we are already exhausted but still have to put the stuff back later today.

Now the washing machine is on the blink and we need a new one, the kitchen surface has to come off and the old machine disconnected and then a new one connected.

We always worked hard and provided as much as we could to give them a good life, when the grandchildren were small they were all here every weekend and now we are lucky if we see them once a month. I think I am going to try and find an odd job man then I won't need to ask.

Am I alone in this, I think not.

polly xx

31 Replies

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  • Sometimes they just don't think i have 3 daughters and when i had the fire in the kitchen and had to have new work surfaces all three were told the things needed to be cleared and cuboards emptied .the youngest one did it. Just recently i have had my bedroom decorated who cleared everything the youngest but what upsets me she is not well herself and having lots of tests done .you take care .Dorothy

  • mine seem heartless--I cant even take garbage out and they don't helpme MmeT

  • Afternoon Polly and Dorothy. I have six kids, three from my first marriage and three from the second. As they are widely scattered we get visits as and when they can fit us in. But, I ask myself, do we expect too much from them. Did we bring them up to look after us in our old age or for the pleasure we had from them when they were younger? Now they are grown up they have their own lives and priorities. On top of that they still have to scratch a living whereas we don't. Perhaps we are all a little hard on them sometimes. Having said all that I do sympathise with you Polly. Some extra muscle power would certainly come in handy at times.

    Bobby xx

  • I think these comments are well said, Bobby. We are needing help at times. I have two offspring who live within a day's journey. They are willing, but I am conscious of the fact that they are SO busy. They do ring on a regular basis. With husband having chemo, it has been necessary to accept help when offered by friends but I have a list of useful phone nos. which I keep by me.

  • I don't think I expect too much just an offer of help occasionally would be nice, we were always there for them when they needed us and I know that is what parents do but just to know they were here for us if we need them would be great.

  • agree totally

  • I am cross with you Bobby no we don't have children too look after us in old age but when one lives alone yes i do expect a little help in emergencies tut tut Bobby still love you and tut tut again !! xxx

  • Ouch! looks at leg, yep, well and truly smacked. Considers myself admonished. Still loves you too Dorothy, kiss, kiss.

    Bobby xxx

  • Hi

    I do agree so some extent ... I ;live on my own, no near family, and I imagine that at some point in the future I will find I need help.... I have some close friends that in a push I might ask for help in an emergency.

    I am a single parent with one son ....who lives about 50 miles away , I do not want him to think he is responsible for my welfare ... now or later. My late mother definitely thought I was here to make her feel better psychologically and to 'prop' her up emotionally and practically, to an extent where I really resented the emotional toll it took on me. I would hate to do this to my son.

    I think it is a dangerous thing to place too much expectations across the generations, once we are all adults, in either direction.

    Beth

  • Hi Beth i looked after my father for 5 years he lived very close .I only ask in emergencies for help MY father would say "you shouldn't have to do this" my answer was you looked after me as a child its my turn too look after you .When one has multiple health problems like a lot of us have the other alternative is for me too go in a care home but then my home would have to be sold and then they would lose everything myself and my husband have worked for .I have never winged or moaned at my daugter's their families are all grown up and left the nest and my daughters all live in walking distance and visit me a lot but i think they think the fairies do things for me !!! sorry for the rant its not at you its at today's society take care Dorothy xxx

  • absolutely

  • Sometimes they just don't think then they turn around and say why didn't you ask but why should we why can't they just offer :(

    Polly when I needed a new fitted fridge I went to a local retailer and they did all the work for me and took the fridge away yes it cost a little bit more for the appliance but was cheaper in the long run ( this is the Eunomics site that I used to find someone they do washing machines too)

    euronics.co.uk/

    Janet xxx

  • Jan

    My local Euronics dealer is a cracker. They brought my new washing machine out, connected it up and even levelled it with a spirit level. Great service and I always go there now.

    Bobby xxxx

  • Thank you jandan I will have a look.

  • Think, Polly, that it is worth while to keep an eye open for any local voluntary services like the Time Bank. I do have family who will help but they live a long way off. I have "help" Bev who will do anything going. She doesn't charge the earth.

    I cant reply on the family who live far off. When they can visit, they will offer, but try to keep things up to scratch when they aren't here. Not always easy. Love Annie xx

  • I understand Polly, I have found I always have to ask for help or try to do it myself, moving heavy items are the worst.

    I would just ask, explain you can't manage it on your own or by yourselves.

    The washing machine could be a lot easier as suggested, whoever you buy the washing machine from, you can arrange for them to take the old one away and refit / connect the new one. Check that they will do this before you make the purchase.

    Even if your daughter and son in law can't come to help today don't think you must put it all back today, another day won't hurt (just don't stub your toe on anything) ;)

    The other option would be just to manage one item between you a day, but preferably I would wait for them to come and help you.

    Take good care and rest up whenever you feel tired.

  • Thank you BlackeyC, we have put enough of it back so we can get into our own beds and the rest can be done over time. Thanks for the advice about the machine and have found one and they will fit it and take the old one away.

    Thank you everyone

    polly xx

  • I understand too Polly. I raised five children who have all got work and their own families fortunately but in today's times they feel more pressurised to focus on unimportant things or not so important things and hence they forget what really matters. I recently spent 9 days in hospital and it wasn't a planned admission so I wasn't prepared and had only hospital pyjamas for the entire stay , no change of underwear , money, toothpaste, etc. Two of my children did phone but were 'busy' , two of them did visit but didn't have enough money on them to get me anything at the time but never came back and its two weeks since I've been home and still no word from my youngest in the entire 4 weeks even to see if i'm alright. if I hadn't of had a dear friend to come and collect me and then go and get some shopping for me then goodness knows what I would of done.Not one of them has been to see me since I was home and I live alone. I was so unwell this last 12 months that I didn't care but now that I feel better i'm going to join different groups with the BLF and try to get back into work..There are things I can't move so they don't get moved. One day in the future the children will find out for themselves what's really important. Look after yourselves Holly.xx

  • Hi Holly, I must have been feeling sorry for myself this morning, of course I know lots of people are much worse off than me and I should be grateful for what I have got so no more wingeing from me for a while. I am sorry you have been having such a rotten time and hope that now you are feeling a bit better things will soon be looking up for you.

    Good luck

    polly xx

  • Actually Polly, reading your post helped me to stop feeling so sorry for my self. I'm not the only one who has little or no help from my children. What does worry me though is if anything were to happen to me no one would know about it and that's quite scary. I will be forever grateful to the consultant who admitted me to hospital after my bronchoscopy because I was close to that situation and i'm grateful to the friend who took me to my appointment. My well meaning friend though yelled at one of my children when she phoned reminding her of this and that and it really didn't help at all :((. Some children today genuinely think materialistically but their time for growing older ( and wiser) will come and they too will have to rely on their children. love and hugs, Holly. x

  • Hi Polly, really empathise with how hurtful it can be as I been there too, still there as a matter of fact but from neccesity I've learnt not to let it get to me.

    Doesn't help to remember the sacrifices we made for them, thats all water under the bridge so you'll be happier if you forget em!

    Our grandchildren will probably need the same support we gave to their parents so what goes round will come around.

    My one consolation is being in the same leaky boat as 3 of my friends (all widows) and sadly we've had to accept long ago that when we need a bit of help or a job done its best to ask outside the family rather than risk straining fragile links.

    May cost money we can ill-afford but its worth it to keep the peace.

    Mind you the added sting for us four old gals, is that we also share several good friends whose children are genuinely caring, loving and supportive with them. Everything we wish ours were the irony being that all too often they haven't even asked them for help, either that or they didn't know they needed any.

    All of which serves to make us wonder where the heck we went wrong?

  • That's really sad to hear that so many of you don't get help from your children. There are four of us and we do try to help our Mum as much as we can. But I have to just say that life is very busy and quite stressful so can't always do as much as we would like. Lots of love TAD x x

  • That's really sad to hear that so many of you don't get help from your children. There are four of us and we do try to help our Mum as much as we can. But I have to just say that life is very busy and quite stressful so can't always do as much as we would like. Lots of love TAD x x

  • Just been reading all the posts above. I must be really lucky. I am on my own and am very independent but my children are fantastic. Recently got some not so good news health wise and it is all can do to stop them moving in ha ha. The girls ring every day and my son who lives the nearest does pop in once a week. My son in laws are always available either for odd jobs which I cant manage or at least they pay for someone to come and do them for me. They always say that I did everything for them when they were growing up and now its their turn. Even my eldest Grandsons do the odd grass cutting lol.

    Do hope you get some much needed help hun and don't forget you cant change anything by worrying about it so don't waste your energy.

    Pat

  • I want to say something but I do not know what to say without upsetting myself

    KOTC

  • What a strange comment to make

  • I'm saddened to the bottom of my heart for you who have children who don't seem to care. I looked after my father until he died. It was hard at times but I am glad I was able to do and I would do it all over again.

  • I helped look after my elderly parents - we all did, me and my 3 sisters until they died. But I don't have kids and only 1 nephew. He wouldn't bother about me. So I either have to do everything myself or it doesn't get done. I have delayed putting in a new carpet for years because I can't move all the heavy furniture on my own for example. It will have to stay down until I get someone to move them or a carpet fitter who will do half the room at a time. Fortunately I only have mild lung problems but even if I didn't I still couldn't do a lot of heavy stuff as I am nearly 60 now. My solution? well as I get older I have realised that one day I will have to sell my flat and buy a retirement one where they will hopefully have someone who can do the heavy work. I have female and male friends who could help at a pinch but they have busy lives and I don't like to ask unless it's an emergency.

    Bev x

  • Have you had the real conversation explaining the limiting effects in detail ? My daughter always so helpful and generous still could not know help I need...eg lifting and carrying .... until I became honest. X

  • No, we don't have children to look after us when we are older like in some countries but a little thought and consideration would be nice. I have three children, all married with children, but only one lives close by and I've told her I don't want her to think that she is responsible for us. Recently we had a car accident and a little interest, at least, would have been nice instead of expecting us to carry on as if nothing had happened. I had more support from everyone here and my friends than from my family. I really feel for all of you who are having difficulties coping. Keep smiling.

  • To get you out of the mess you are in, enquire at your County Council as ours does a handy man service for people like you....usually free. (I live in Derbyshire). Also, try your local volunteer bureau, they too will help and the person who comes from either source has been vetted and CRO checked.

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