Daily Laughter Tuesday
Today I am away back up to the hospital for my 3rd transfusion of antibodies
The strange thing about it since 1987 I have always has psoriasis now my whole body is clear of the dreaded skin problems. Hope it works as good on the rest of the body.
Have a great Day Berwick xxx
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve..
And the first thing he said was
'Don't what ?'
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '
' No Way! '
'Yes way! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit! '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? '
'Then why did you? '
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
'She started it! '
'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day!
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
When You're First,
You Don't Know Any Better
If the chicken came before the egg,
the first hen to lay one must have vowed
never again to lift her leg,
cuz when she did, her insides fell out.
But if the egg came before the chicken,
the chicken inside must've, under his breath,
sworn if he kept up his fussin' and kickin',
he'd scramble himself to death.
I think that I've got it all figured out...
what animal talk is all about.
"Moo" means excuse me, that's my
milk you're takin'.
"Oink" means quit lookin' at me
like I'm bacon.
"Nay" means no shoes, no shirt,
"Baa" means, gee lately it's
"Arf" means my tail
is my very best feature.
"Meow" means I'm such
an exquisite creature.
"Quack" means this water
is turning quite icy.
"Hiss" means you look
so delicious and spicy.
"Roarrr" means I am
the king of the beasts.
"Honk" means I am
the queen of the geese.
"Grrrr" means I'll eat you
when you go for a walk.
Boy am I glad
I speak animal talk!
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain
A Centipede Won An Award
A centipede won an award
surrounded by hundreds of fans.
Though his speech only lasted a minute,
it took hours to shake all his hands!
When Will I Stop Growing?
“When will I stop growing?”
A giant asked his mummy
“I've grown at a rate
Of one meter a day
Ever since I left your tummy”
"That's 7 meters every week
Or 365 a year
Times twelve because it's
My birthday soon
Which makes 4380 meters quite clear"
“I hope that I stop growing”
The giant he did sigh
As he pulled a bird
Out of his ear
And a plane out of his thigh
Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me
[Name] thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
[Name] is based on a true story. The characters and events in his life are real. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is pityful cause his life sucks
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
Shonari I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch.
I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here
[Name] is old enough to know better, but still young enough to try and get away with it anyway.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Way up north
Near the top of the world
There's a place where it's hard to stand
And you’ll see if you go
That the sky's far too low
In the curious country Squatland
Believe it or not
You must pop a squat
In order to waddle around this place
You'd find if you stood
It would do you no good
As most of your body would be out in space
So lock your knees
When you're all a'squat
To avoid a Squatlander’s worst fear
Of standing up straight
And realising too late
You’re floating outside of Earth’s atmosphere!
Well that is it my friends hope that you have a fantastic Tuesday.
Remember at around 1000 the Nurse will be playing a game with me.It's called
Which vien shall we use today and I will reply, the one you find with blood coming out of it.
Thats it for Tuesday my friends
Breathe Easy my friends