Daily Laughter Friday

Daily Laughter Friday

It that time of the week once again where more time is spent on thinking what am I doing this weekend rather than working.

This weekend I have my eldest grand daughter (16) and her boyfriend of thee years coming up from London to stay with us for the weekend

Order and rules of the house were passed on to her father (My Son) who in turn past them on to my Granadaughter.

Sleeping will be you in that bedroom and you my son (Boyfriend) you in that bedroom . Try anything in this house and I will boot your backside until your nose bleeds. (Sorry I am from the old school)

Hello , welcome and enjoy your stay and PS I will be watching you like a hawk and remember apart from the two eye in front I have got two eyes at the back of my head as well. Hopefully you will have a joyful weekend.

Have a great weekend, see you on Monday

Berwick xxx

enjoy

Hymns for the Over 60s

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Left my Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners For the Over 60s

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column. He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?'

'£1.20 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.'

'Ok', says Graham, 'are you ready?' Old man joke

'Yes', came the answer.

'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.'

'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.

'No, that's it, 'came the reply.

'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.'

'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read:

'Jones dead. Volkswagen for sale'

Enjoying in Heaven

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband’s voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee...""Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the afterlife. What’s it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana."

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today' as We Grow OlderLost and Found

Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

He who hesitates is almost certainly right.

Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

. Now happy they are

They do not have a car.

Or they'd have the sorrow

the car was so narrow.

The car was so cheap

the color was so deep.

Model was so old

inside was not cold.

2. A car without headlights

On a damp Foggy Day

Nearly hit my bumper

At the stop sign down the way

On a damp Foggy day

Mist hanging heavy in the air

At a stop sign down the way

A Car passed on the right…

3. Rattle, hum, hiss, bang,

This car has got to go!

It really is quite sick,

It huffs and puffs and blows!

Crackle, whizz, cough, wheeze,

I think it's going to stop!

We've just gone round a corner

And the engine fell right off!

4. Tinkle, Tinkle little car

How I wonder what you are.

Leaking oil every day

Having it your own way.

Going up hills real slow

I don't want you any mo'.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car

Boy, what a lemon you are.

5. A car is a car

If it can ride you nearby or far

A car is a car

When it gets you in time to the bar

A car is a car

When you are addressed as Madam or Sir

6. Like the car he drives,

He will pass you in the fast lane of life,

Like the blaring music from his car,

He loves life and a good joke,

Like the roaring engine of his car,

His temper will take off like a racer to the finish line…

Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

He who hesitates is almost certainly right.

Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Ju st when the clock struck 11...

and then......

then.....

then........

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner

Drinking and Driving

Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!"

Santa responded immediately, "Thank you , your honour! I'll have a scotch and soda."

A Good Wife's Guide

Here are a few choice excerpts taken from Housekeeping monthly - May 1955

Never complain if he comes in late

Don't ask him questions about his actions

His boring day may need a lift, it's your duty to provide it

A good wife knows her place

Prepare the children

Rules Issued to Female Teachers in 1915

You will not marry during the term of your contract.

You are not to keep company with men.

You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.

You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.

You may not smoke cigarettes.

You may not dress in bright colours.

You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

You must wear at least two petticoats.

Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

And they called it the good old days

The Good Wife's Guidance After Marriage

Daniel and Jessica, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'Father of the Bride Speech

'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Procedure for Men

Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).

Wind down your car window.

Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.

Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.

Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

Wind-up window.

Drive off.

Procedure for Women:

Drive up to cash machine.

Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.

Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.

Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.

Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car. Insert debit card.

Re-insert card the right way.

Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.

Enter PIN.

Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

Enter amount of cash required.

Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.

Retrieve notes and receipt

Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

Re-check makeup.

Drive forward 2 feet.

Reverse back to cash machine.

Retrieve card.

Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Dress - Wash it Again

Restart stalled engine and pull off.

Redial person on cell phone.

Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

Release Parking Brake.

Before I get myself hanged by all my female friends as the saying goes

It's only a joke it's just the way I tell them.

Have a fantastic weekend my friends

See you on Monday

Breathe Easy my friends

Berwick xxxx

10 Replies

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  • There were some crackers there alright! I'm still smiling! xxxx

  • Thanks for the laughs...liked the old car ones, very close to home.

    Enjoy your weekend

  • Just reread the teacher rules... some schools in the 1980s wouldn't let women teachers wear trousers...and my overseas contract in the 1970s wouldn't allow me to marry! Student teachers had to leave college if they wed in the 60s

    My father worked for the council in the 1960s and husbands and wives couldn't work for the same authority then. Happy days

  • Hi Berwick,

    I thought I'd let you know that the laughter from your Mr Joseph Marsh post yesterday spread well outside the forum. The people in the office at my work got a lot of laughs from it too and I've no doubt they'll pass the laughter on.

    :-)

  • good supply this morning berwick to cheer up a very wet morning, although they say the sun is going to shine later. Have a good weekend with your granddaughter, not too strict now berwick !

    Lib xx

  • Hehheh! brilliant you are Graeme! Have a lovely weekend with your loved ones! huff xxxxxxx

  • Thanks, Berwick - now I know why I decided NOT to teach! x

  • Have a great weekend! Glad you have laid down the ground rules! TAD xx

  • Enjoy your weekend

    KOTC

  • Thank you berwick. Have a lovely weekend. :-) Alison

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