Daily Laughter Tuesday
May the sun shines on you all today
Whatever you do may it be filled with Joy and happiness
DECODING PERSONAL ADS
A handy guide for decoding the real meaning behind the phrases commonly used in personal ads
TRANSLATIONS FOR ADS BY MEN:
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average-looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six-pack
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Likes to travel: Has to keep ahead of creditors
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit: Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring himself
Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Stay-at-home: Must stay in touch with parole officer
Thoughtful: Says, "please" when demanding a beer
TRANSLATIONS FOR ADS BY WOMEN:
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally secure: Medicated
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Good Listener: Borderline autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
Wants Soul Mate: One step away from stalking
Sarcastic quotes at the work
1. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental...
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
30. You!... Off my planet!
Sarcastic One Liners
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
Really mean insults
1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!
19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought it's unfamiliar territory.
21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?Â
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?
. English is a Crazy Language
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
Quicksand can work slowly
Boxing rings are square
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
People recite at a play and play at a recital.
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
We park in the driveway and drive on a parkway.
A house can burn up as it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm goes off by going on.
And why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?
and now something different to finish off. Enjoy
I want ancestors with names like Rudimentary Montagnard or Melchizenick von Steubenhoffmannschild or Spetznatz Giafortoni, not William Brown or John Hunter or Mary Abbott.
I want ancestors who could read and write, had their children baptised in recognised houses of worship, went to school, purchased land, left detailed wills (naming a huge extended family as legatees), had their photographs taken once a year - subsequently putting said pictures in elaborate isinglass frames annotated with calligraphic inscriptions, and carved valuable and informative inscriptions in their headstones.
I want relatives who managed to bury their ancestors in established, still-extant (and indexed) cemeteries.
I want family members who wrote memoirs, who enlisted in the military as officers and who served in strategically important (and well-documented) skirmishes.
I want relatives who served as councilmen, schoolteachers, county clerks and town historians.
I want relatives who "religiously" wrote in the family Bible, journalising every little event and detailing the familial relationship of every visitor.
In the case of immigrant ancestors, I want them to have arrived only in those years wherein passenger lists were indexed by the National Archives, and I want them to have applied for citizenship, and to have done so only in those jurisdictions which have since established indices.
I want relatives who were patriotic and clubby, who joined every patrimonial society they could find, who kept diaries, and listed all their addresses, who had paintings made of their houses, and who dated every piece of paper they touched.
I want ancestors who were wealthy enough to afford, and to keep for generations, the family homestead, and who left all the aforementioned pictures and diaries and journals intact in the library
But most of all: I want relatives I can FIND!!!!!
Hope you enjoyed Tuesday's Daily Laughters.
Now have a great Day
Don't do anything Silly
Breath Easy my Friends