Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good Morning friends
Happy Tuesday to you all
Just remember me today about 0900 a nurse trying to find at least one of my veins LOL (more chance of finding Lord Lucan ) to feed me with my 2nd bottle of antibodies. Deep joy watching the stuff for 4 hours.
Anyway start your morning with a good laugh and remember the Elf and Safety
First of all The difference between dogs and men.
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
and secondly How dogs and men are the same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How many dogs does it take to...... These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Buzz: "First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemochromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
Butch: "Boy you had a time!"
Buzz: "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."
Student: "I hear that fish is brain food."
Roomate: "Yeah, I eat it all the time."
Student" "Another theory disproved."
Marty: "He was kicked out of school for cheating!"
Wade: "How come?"
Marty: "He was caught counting his ribs in a biology exam."
Dancer: "Say, can't you stretch the music a little longer -- just a dance or two more?
Band Leader: "Sorry, Sir. This isn't a rubber band."
Two women were preparing to board an airliner. One of them turned to the pilot and said, "Now, please don't travel faster than sound. We want to talk."
She: "How gracefully that man over there eats corn on the cob!"
He: "Yes. He used to be a piccolo player in the Marine Band."
Sergeant (after a War Game): "Private Jones, didn't you realize you were exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy only 250 yards away?"
Private Jones: "That's right, Sergeant. I was standing behind that imaginary rock 25 feet high!"
"As we have learned," said the teacher, "the former ruler of Russia was called a Czar, and his wife was called a Czarina. Now who can tell me what the Czar's children were called?"
A little boy at the back of the class piped up and said, "Czardines!"
"Now boys," said the teacher, "tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first Tommy."
"Taurus, the Bull."
"Right. Now you Harry, another one."
"Cancer the Crab."
"Right again. Now Sammy it's your turn."
The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment and then blurted out, "Mickey the Mouse!"
Teacher: "Can you give me an example of wasted energy?"
Willy: "Yes, ma'am, telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man."
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with an object."
Pupil: "You're very beautiful, teacher."
Teacher: "What's the object?"
Pupil: "A good grade!"
Teacher: "Give me an example of a collective noun."
Student: "Garbage can."
An English teacher, troubled by the unwillingness of boys in her class to take any interest in composition, attempted to arouse them by asking for a description of a baseball game. It was a fortunate idea for most of the boys were eager to tell what they knew about the sport.
Only one lanky fellow disappointed the teacher's hopes. He chewed on his pencil for a few moments before he scratched a few words and turned in his paper. On the paper he wrote ..."Rain. No Game."
A duck, a frog and a skunk wanted to go to the movies. The admission was one pound. Which one of the three couldn't afford to go?
Answer: The skunk. Why?
The duck had a bill. The frog had a greenback. But the skunk only had a scent.
Flora: "And when rain falls, does it ever get up again?"
Dora: "Oh yes, in dew time."
Ike: "You say Tony gave up his job as traveling salesman just to please his wife?"
Mike: "Yes, it seems she wanted her Tony home permanent."
Question: "What is a Hot Dog?"
Answer: "A Hot Dog is the noblest of all dogs, because it feeds the hand that bites it."
Coca Cola went to town, Diet Pepsi shot him down.
Dr. Pepper fixed him up, Now were drinking 7up.
7 up got the flu, now were drinking Irn Bru.
Irn Bru fell down a mountain, now were drinking from a fountain.
Fountain broke. People choke. Now were back to drinking coke
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.
“I’ll have a ‘jumbo jet,’” he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over. “Was that the ‘jumbo jet?’” he asked.
“Yeah,” the waiter answered. “Went pretty fast, didn’t it?”
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. ‘Would you like a cherry on the top ?’ asked the waitress. ‘No, thanks,’ said the girl, ‘I’m on a diet !’
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Wedding rings are the world’s tiniest handcuffs.
Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
After Marriage Boys First 6 weeks, than 6 months, than 6 years
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home???
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.
- In prison, the best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar.
- Putting a teenager in prison, won't stop his face from breaking out.
- In prison you get three meals a day - at work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
- What did one prison inmate say to the other? "The food was better when you were Governor."
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- A giraffe's family reunion is called "necks of kin. "
- To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.
- Dalmatians can't play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.
- One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.
- What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
Teacher: Did your father give you any help with your assignment?Student: Nope. He did everything on his own.
- Shampoo is a fake! Boycott Shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Two muffins are sitting in the oven, when one turns to the other muffin and asks, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" The second muffin’s eyes widen and he exclaims, "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is the ceiling?'
- Kid: Dad, what’s an idiot?Dad: An idiot is someone who tries to explain something in such a roundabout and long way that the person to whom he is explaining something has absolutely no idea what he is talking about. Understand?"Kid: No.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- A man is sitting on his couch watching his TV when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door, and only sees a snail sitting on his stoop. He throws the snail across the street and goes back to watching TV.
A year later, he is again sitting on his couch watching TV when the doorbell rings again. He opens the door to see an angry snail, who yells, "What the Heck was that for?"
- When asked if he was prepared to support a family, the new son-in-law answered, "I’m sorry, I was only planning on providing for your daughter. The rest of you will have to support yourselves."
Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.
What do you call a man with a government subsidy?Grant.
- What do you call a guy who plants rice?Paddy.
- What do you call a guy who owns a truck?Van.
- What do you call a guy who is just like everybody else?Norm.
- What do you call a guy who fell ten floors from a building and landed on his head?Spike.
- What do you call a guy who is all feet?Archie.
- What do you call a guy who's been hung up on the wall by his belt?Art.
- What do you call a guy who gets walked all over?Matt.
- What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?Rod.
Breath Easy My friend
Have a great day