Not a good day

Not many of you know me, I was recently diagnosed with severe copd. I have a lot of problems at the moment. I am married to a man who I have stuck to despite having affairs and voilence in our early years of marriage. We had three children who I did not want to let down and stayed with him. He mellowed over the years and the voilence stopped and I reared my three children. He has retired and we run an alpaca farm together, which is hard work. Last year my brother arrived here as his relationship with his partner collapsed, unfortunately he is a severe alcoholic and has caused a lot of problems. The other problem is he cannot tell the truth and despite all our help he is drinking more and more, As you can imagine this is causing a lot of friction between us. My husband has told him to leave at the end of the month. I am torn between the two of them and this is making me quite ill. My husband does not understand or is willing to understand my health issues and expects me to fully recover now I have stopped smokiing. I am so stressed this morning I had a cigarette and he just said' its your life do what you want'. I feel so alone and need some friends. Viv xxx

26 Replies

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  • Hello Viv, sounds like you are having a tough time of it at the moment. You are in the right places for finding friends. I haven't been on here long but the people in here are amazing.

  • Aw Viv ((((hugs)))) you've come to the right place.

    So, you had a ciggie - no biggie. Don't beat yourself up over it. Get your OH to read up on your condition, so that he can understand all you're doing by not smoking is slowing it's rate of progress.

    I appreciate you love your brother, but I can see your OH's point of view too. As an adult, your brother has to take responsibility for his actions. Don't be a facilitator. He, and he alone has to take cognisance of his addiction. Why don't you look to see if there are any alcoholic rehab units around that could accommodate him?

    I don't mean to sound harsh, just giving an outsiders view on the situation.

  • Hi Viv, sorry you're having such a terrible time. I had a partner who turned out to be a alcoholic, he managed to hide it for the first couple of years. It is so destructive and they get very devious to try and hide it but unless he seeks professional help things are not going to improve. I must stress that this is from my own experience only. I think he needs to leave, it could be a wake up call from him but probably won't be. It's heartbreaking for you having to make this choice and is causing you stress which will in turn affect your breathing. As for your husband thinking you will get well again, when I gave up smoking some people thought I'd miraculously be back to normal, it's sometimes hard for people to understand that the damage is already done. Giving up smoking will have slowed the progression right down though. Alpacas! What a lovely job to have, they're wonderful animals. Does their coat not affect your breathing though? I know the wool doesn't have lanolin that causes allergies, but doesn't the fine hair get into your lungs? Best wishes. Libby

  • Come here when ever you need a shoulder to cry on thats what we are here for. I cannot imagine what your going through but my heart goes out to you. It must be so hard. You need support and help not more problems bless you. All I can do is send my love and let you know I am thinking of you. Best wishes Julie x x x x x x

  • Thank you for your comments. My brother has pretended to be going into rehab over the last few months, but I don't believe he is really wanting to give up alcohol at the moment, he just feels we are putting pressure on him. He will die soon if he doesn't give up as he is drinking vast quantities of alcohol each day. Please keep in touch with me as I feel on my own at home. My husband is not prepared to look into my condition, he feels it is my problem, brought on by my own smoking, although he smokes!!!

    Viv XXX

  • Please feel free to message me any time Viv. You're really not alone with this bunch of caring folk, believe me. :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Hello Viv

    And you've come to the right place, I echo the others feel free to call on me any time. Please don't feel your alone. I would also give the help line a call for any advice.

    Kim xxx

  • You can get in touch with me too Viv if you ever need a chat. There are frequently people on the forum quite late into the night (nowheeze above is one), so if you feel like some light hearted banter to help you forget your troubles for a short while, just join in, they're a nutty bunch!! Just read your profile and see that your husband has mild copd and still smoking, so he'll be finding out himself before too long just what severe copd is.

    About your brother, as I said before, he'll tell you anything he thinks you want to hear, alcoholics will make all sorts of promises and tells lies, but they can't keep their stories straight and they say one thing one minute and another the next. And they keep stores of alcohol hidden everywhere - I once found 4 bottles of vodka under the seats of my ex's car and two behind a tree at the back of garden, all the while saying he had cut right down. I had to end our relationship, I just couldn't take it any more, it just kept getting worse, not better. He was totally unintelligible at the end of a evening, not an angry drunk, just plain stupid. And what a shame for me, he'd just inherited nearly half a million pounds!! Haha. Libby

  • Welcome to the friendship site.If you feel like a bit of cheering up have a look at my blogs for a smile.

    Richard

    KOTC

  • Hi Quintus. I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. Have you thought of speaking to AlAnon? They offer help and support for those trying to cope with an alcoholic relative or friend. If you want any more info you can always send me a message.

    Carrie

  • Message me anytime too viv, I can identify a little with your experiences, there's a heap of support and love on this site, you need never feel alone x x x

  • Very sad to say,,you can choose your friends but cant pick your family,,your brother is a adult and instead of using you as a emotional crutch,,needs a good kick up the ass,,or shown the door..May sound harsh,,but he is a big boy now,,you dont need the extra hassel..

  • Hi Quintus I have to agree with the others. It must be so difficult for you - torn between your brother and your OH. I think he has to go. Have you given him a time limit to leave? That might work or at least make you feel better. Come in anytime we are always ready to listen and support you. There are some great people here who understand and really care.

    Bev xx

  • PS whats an alpaca?

  • It's a bit like a llama, only smaller.

  • I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Drink can cause so many problems, been there with my hubby and he still has the occasional binge which is a bit frightening. I do hope things get better for you, I have a hubby too that does`nt understand the COPD, and has told me its my own fault, its very hurtful, is``nt it. I do understand where you are coming from so sending a virtual hug.

  • That's sad. My advise would be for once think about yourself. Put your own health and well being first. How easy does that sound? How difficult in practise! I would hate to be in the situation with an alcoholic brother without the rest of the complications! Although I would say your husband is probably right about your brother. First and foremost has to be you - my husband has severe COPD and stress really affects him - I would imagine that it affects you too. Take time for yourself each day - tell them you are feeding the alpacas and find a quiet place to sit and have a quiet cup of tea! Look after yourself, take care. TAD xx (PS perhaps you could ring the BLF for advise re: not starting smoking again and just for some support)

  • Thank you all for your helpful comments. You are all right and my brother should stand on his own feet. This is not so easy as he was banned from driving a month ago for drink driving and he doesn't have a job. I don't think anyone would employ him as he is never sober and just shuffles around looking really pathetic. We will have to sort this out soon as it is driving me crazy and is not good for breathing!!

    Viv xxx

  • So sorry to hear of your plight Viv but, as everyone else says, you are in the right place for friendship and helpful advice. I think your brother does have to stand on his own two feet now but I don't envy you your choice. Maybe your hubby would do well to research your illness and give up smoking but then that is his choice too. Good luck with the alpacas and try not to forget yourself in all of this. Take care. xxxxx

  • Viv

    I'm here at the helpline too so please if you feel you would like to give me a call at the helpline 03000 030 555 for a confidential chat.

    I appreciate your honesty and bravely in saying how it is. well done.

    Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you again.

    H

  • Lots of friends here Viv. You are in an awkward situation, and that is not easy, but I think you do have to put yourself first, this is what I discovered after asking for help here. You must do what is best for you and your health. love Anna x

  • Hi Vib

    I am hopeless at giving advice as any of the ladies on here will tell you. But, they are all very good. You will never be short of a friend while you have this site. These ladies are wonderful at giving sensible advice and guidance. As a useless old man all I can do is wish you all the luck in the world.

    Love from Bobby xxx

  • Hi Vib, you must be feeling trapped. Only thing I can think to say is if you don't take care of yourself and reduce your stress you won't be in a position to support anyone. Sometimes you have to look as the situation dispassionately. Do you think you've actually been able to help your brother to address his alcohol problem, or did he come to you because his other options had been closed off? I hope you manage to resolve your very difficult situation x

  • The only thing i can tell you which i have seen is to tell your brother that if he keeps on

    drinking then something in his body has to go and when it do it will not be nice at all

    he will start to vomit blood and then something else like bites of his stomach . And when that start he will not have long .tell him that may be he might then go to reab .

  • Viv...... sending you a very big hug x x x x x Looking at all these people writting to you on here..... you are NOT alone. x x x x x x Message me any time. x x

  • what a terrible time you are having .... what is the best thing you can do for you ? xxx take care of you, Julie

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