My wife is a "functioning alcoholic" (as well as workaholic and shopaholic!) She is 71 and has had atrial fibrillation for many years and type 1 diabetes for much of her adult life.
When I realised that her drinking was doing her harm I tried everything I could do to help her. I stopped drinking over 5 years ago but it didn't help. I refused to buy alcohol but she bought it herself and hid it, it didn't help. We have talked about it, it hasn't helped. I have been to an Al-anon meeting...you guessed it...it didn't help!
This summer she had what was thought to have been a minor heart attack (NSTEMI), raised troponin levels and an echocardiogram showing a severely reduced LVEF of 30-35% as well as 50% heart enlargement. She was diagnosed with "severe heart failure".
You would have thought that this would have been enough to make her stop/moderate her drinking...but it hasn't. She is still drinking, on average, 14 units every single day. The heart drugs (Entresto, Bisoprolol, Digoxin etc etc...) have made her feel better and she sees no reason to change her drinking habits. I have given up trying to persuade her to stop drinking and have taken to buying her alcohol (vodka) again in the hope that, if it is out in the open, at least she will not be drinking secretly. But she still drinks "secretly" as well as openly. And her workload (she runs her own small business) is as busy and demanding as I have ever known it.
I have almost given in to the inevitable conclusion that I will be losing her soon. We have been married for nearly 50 years and there seems to be nothing that I can do to to help. Alcohol has changed her ability to think and behave rationally, it is an insidious drug, and one that is so embedded in our culture that we seldom see the harm that it can do.
We are a reasonably well-educated middle-class couple, no-one would ever think that my wife is an alcoholic. Everyone knows that she "likes a drink" and will cheerfully open a bottle as soon as she arrives for a visit. I would like to discourage them but, like everything else I have tried to do, I know that it wouldn't help.
I am here looking for any ideas...
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Poppeye
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I’m so so sorry for you. My stepdaughter is in similar situation but won’t work or socialise and her liver function is disordered. Al-Anon we didn’t find helpful but I understand that many people get some relief over talking it through.
You already know there is nothing you can do directly, only she can stop.
Your local authority - in my case it’s the County Council - might regard you as a “carer” and as such provides some information and so on. Have a look at their website.
Is she happy with all this? Changing a lifestyle you enjoy is difficult..it may or may not extend your life..I’m sure she is aware that you’re unhappy only because you don’t want to lose her.No easy solution ..I’m sure this happens more than we know, People in denial Take care and Godbless you for caring
Hi...I wasn't sure if you were replying to me or to Happyrosie...? But you are right...changing a lifestyle that you enjoy is a difficult task. The most heartbreaking excuse for drinking is "if I have only a limited time left to live, why would I not spend that time doing something (drinking) that I enjoy?" The trouble is...alcohol gives an immediate rush of euphoria which is the "enjoyment" followed by a much longer feeling of melancholy. But the melancholy phase is either forgotten or it is trumped by the euphoric phase...
Thank you...the trouble with the idea of her making the decision to stop drinking is that alcohol has impaired her decision-making...it is a "catch 22". I am sorry to hear that your stepdaughter has problems...it is so difficult to watch someone that you care about making bad choices.
In a similar situation myself but I have the heart failure at 40 years old. My partner is alot younger. We both enjoy a glass of red. With my health situation and my life turned upside down, severe heart failure, anxiety etc. It's quite easy to jug red wine in each night to help relax. We drank 4-6 times a week at one stage
What I did was Suggest to have a drink every other night to begin with. Cut down on the amount. Then eventually just a couple on a weekend. Small steps is easier than full on stopping.
You could also try to do a hobby on the nights she is not having a drink to begin with. Go for a late night stroll or something to keep her mind occupied up until late.
Hi...many thanks for your comment. Unfortunately, my wife's drinking has gone far beyond that stage. As the heart failure nurse told her, "cutting down will not work at the rate that you are drinking, you would need to stop completely and that should be done under medical supervision". I am afraid that ship sailed long ago...
Bless you and I feel your pain Alcohol is a drug that can cause a lot of illness yet people still take it. It’s too easy to obtain - there are rules around smoking but not alcohol - I really don’t know why, both do untold harm and both are addictive and both cause a huge strain on the NHS.
My parents were alcohol dependents not openly apparent really until end of life. - mother had many heart issues and diabetes, father cancer . I tried to ‘help’ both to no avail. Mother blocked me out and forbade me getting involved in her health and wellbeing (sibling was given this responsibility) mother died within three months. It is difficult to understand when you want to help someone close.
I’ve no solution , It’s a tough decision but I had to remind myself they were adults and responsible for their own health it was their life and sadly death.
I wish you all the best and hope it ends well for you both xx
Thank you...I am sorry to hear about your parents. You are right, alcohol is a huge strain on the NHS and I wish there was more support for people suffering from this addiction. Paradoxically, it is the very drugs that my wife is prescribed by the NHS to alleviate the symptoms of heart failure that are making her feel well enough to continue drinking...
very sorry to hear your story. Alcohol is another of the many addictions which occur due to a problem in with the release of dopermine - “Dopamine acts on areas of the brain to give you feelings of pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. Dopamine also has a role to play in controlling memory, mood, sleep, learning, concentration, movement and other body functions.” I believe it becomes damaged and we need more and more of our addiction be it eating - drinking. A real sickness. There seems to be some help now for the over-eating problem we now just need a drug to prevent the transmitters telling the areas which release the dopermine hit, to cease. “These hormones are made by your adrenal gland, a small hat-shaped gland located on top of each of your kidneys. Dopamine is also a neurohormone released by the hypothalamus in your brain”. The sooner addiction receives greater medical research the better.
Yes! I couldn't agree more. Have you read "In the realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Mate...an insightful examination of the physical as well as the psychological roots of addiction. Unfortunately, it offers little in the way of a solution.
I am so sorry to read this. I hear what you say about alcohol being embedded in our culture, it's very true. Sadly what you describe is the nature of addiction, you may know it's the worst thing for you but are powerless to stop.
The only thing I can suggest is to discuss your concerns with your GP. Realistically I don't know if he/she can help because the first step would be for your wife to want to stop, and it doesn't sound as if she does. Your doctor has probably encountered this situation before, and just might have some valuable insight.
Hi...thank you. I am reluctant to bring this up with my GP, much as I would like to. GPs seem so busy dealing with an ever-increasing workload, but I will try to bring it up with the heart-failure nurse when we next see her...although I am already in the doghouse for bringing it up last time we saw her and I might not be allowed to join my wife for her next appointment...
Hi Popeye, I used to look after my mum in her last years. She was diabetic and just didn't take it seriously. I contacted our GP and asked him to ask her about her diabetes, blood sugar, etc. She never knew I had prompted him, and I would suggest you do something similar. Doctors cannot discuss patients with a third party unless they have consent, but they can listen to your concerns. Our nearest and dearest can resent our input even when we have their best interests at heart, and we also need to be able to express our worries about them too.
Hi...I will bear your advice in mind, thank you. Oddly enough, my wife's diabetes (type 1) is very well controlled indeed, and I know a lot of diabetics. Both of our children are type 1 as well as two of my wife's sisters, plus assorted family members and friends. She has been diabetic for so long that controlling it is second nature to her...although perhaps it helps that she doesn't eat for "comfort" but drinks instead...
Sorry, it wasn't until I reread your reply that I remembered that you had said you were reluctant to involve your GP.You are in a very difficult position, as is anyone who has a loved one with a damaging addiction.
I have no other suggestions to offer, you have clearly tried all you can.
Hi I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. My EF is 23% but I don’t drink. I also have persistent AFib so I’m surprised your wife can even drink and function on her heart failure meds. I had a couple sips of champagne at a wedding 5 yrs ago and my head began spinning and I felt like my blood pressure had dropped and I got heart burn, it was awful. I’ve never had a sip of any alcohol again but it’s easy for me.
Maybe it doesn’t affect your wife because she’s used to drinking. Hopefully one day she will decide to stop before a tragedy occurs. In this situation I don’t think you can help her she has to decide to help herself. The only decision I think you can take is not to buy her alcohol anymore, she can get it herself, therefore you’re not enabling her.
Someone suggested taking up a hobby with her. Maybe you should try that. She drinks hard she works hard, maybe she needs counselling to find out what’s going on with her, but she has to decide to do that herself. Doing things together she might open up as to why she functions the way she does. Her EF isn’t a problem and could improve if she slows down with the drinking and stress.
Hi...I am surprised that she can function with the heart failure and the alcohol too, I thought it would be a wake-up call. I think that the heart meds are making her feel better and enabling her to continue drinking...for the time being. She doesn't get hangovers because she is so used to drinking. I tried refusing to buy alcohol...that didn't work. The reason that I am buying it again is because I want to get the subject out in the open rather than hidden away in a secret place at the back of a cupboard...I don't know if this approach will work but it won't increase her alcohol consumption and it might just keep lines of communication about the subject open. 23% EF seems very low...I am new to all of this and interested to hear that you function OK with this.
I don’t function well. I also have pulmonary hypertension which is an extension of my heart condition. Walking and breathing is very difficult but I keep going. Mine went to 10% 6yrs ago then it went up to 23 after I was put on the cocktail before it was 43% and I was functioning normal.
You know her better than us so do what you think is correct to do. I hope she ends up ok. Let us know how she’s getting on.
Huge sympathy. This is a really grim problem for you.
You are not alone in this situation , I think alcoholism has become an epidemic that isn’t being addressed. I have a friend who is living with an identical problem. No matter what that person has tried to do and say, the alcohol consumption by the spouse has continued to the point now of being a total bodily dependency. The spouse said they would prefer to die than give up drinking . It is awful to see and has had tragic consequences for the entire family not just the person addicted.
I am similarly aware of other people in relationships with alcoholics but haven’t had such raw and painful discussions with the partner as it’s not normally a conversation people are prepared to have-too vulnerable, too much to admit…
Could you afford rehabilitation in a centre for her? Could you make a ‘final offer’ to her that she goes to somewhere for expert help and drying out even though she doesn’t want to accept or acknowledge her own problem but to save your otherwise doomed, blighted relationship?
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck, well done for trying so hard. Maybe, if you can’t save her from the grip, you’ll have to put your own mental health first and carve out some healthy interests, pursuits and friendships which take you away from the home and give you an escape.
Thank you...yes, I have thought of residential rehab, but it would be a matter of getting her to accept it that would be the problem. It would have the benefit of a medically supervised detox which the heart-failure nurse has advised would be necessary because of the amount that she has been drinking and the risk associated with going "cold turkey". As for the idea of an ultimatum...nearly 50 years of marriage has seen good times and bad...I am in it to the end and will stick by my wife whatever happens...I think my mental health is OK (we can never be certain that we are not kidding ourselves on this!) and I have that most generous of life's blessings to support me...a dog!
Hello Popeye unfortunately I have no constructive advice but wanted to say I hope your situation improves very soon. I do agree with Scentedgardener maybe a chat with your GP would be a step in the right direction. This is a hard one as your wife has got to want to stop and accept the help she needs.
This is obviously having a profound effect on you so please take care of yourself and if need be talk to a healthcare professional don’t bottle it up. Best wishes to you both I hope your next post will be to share some positive news. Good luck and take care 😊🌞X
Thank you...I am afraid I have been rather blunt in blowing off some steam in my post. I will try to talk to the heart-failure team rather than troubling my overworked GP in the first instance.
I think you should give up worrying, otherwise you will be poorly. Have you ever asked your wife, why she needs a drink. I can't understand how people can drink a lot. In the past if I had a hangover, I'd say never again. Look after yourself.
Hi...we have talked a lot about this...my wife no longer gets hangovers, alcohol changes people's perception and their motivation is quite different to that of a non-drinker. Of course I worry...but I try to make sure that I limit my worries to the things that I have some control over.
So sorry to hear of your wife's addiction and the likely cause of her HF. I too had the same problem and when diagnosed my EF was at 10-15%. Alcohol is very toxic to your heart and her Dr. should try and talk to her about the risks involved if she continues to drink. You can find some good information on alcoholic cardiomyopathy on the internet to share with your wife in hopes to get her to understand the risks of the continued drinking. I hope that she can try to stop for not just herself, but for everyone that loves her.
You are absolutely right...both my daughter and I have shown her articles about alcohol-induced cardiomyopathy but I don't think she wants to read them. It is all very recent and I am hoping that, given some time and a gentle approach, she might absorb the information and come to some sensible conclusions. It is all so scary and shocking, I think she wants to bury her head under the duvet for the time being.
she has to admit she is powerless over alcohol and her life is unmanageable..for herself..Enabling her doesn’t work either..good luck..Take care of yourselves
The AA approach has helped many people...but it is not right for everyone. I stopped enabling her when I gave up drinking over 5 years ago...but it didn't help. I was surprised, I thought that if she saw that I could enjoy my life without alcohol then she might join me. But I was never an alcoholic, it was easy for me.
This is a real difficult one. I'm a recovering Alcoholic. I haven't touched a drop for 10 years but it's left its scars. I have Liver Cirrhosis and as such have extremely low energy levels. Add on top of that the heart attack I had last year and the myriad of none Liver friendly heart meds life isn't easy.Sadly, in cases of Alcohol addiction, unless the person admits to the problem in the first place then you'll be banging your head against a brick wall.
Please don't give up on her, family support is vital in situations like this.
Al Anon isn't for everyone due to the quasi religious undertones so I suggest looking for a local support group.
I used to run one and the success rate we had was second to none.
It gives Alcoholics chance to meet in a relaxed none judgemental atmosphere.
I agree, the quasi-religious undertones are what put me off continuing to seek help from Al-anon... The trouble with "admitting that you have a problem" is that alcohol interferes with the very judgement process that is necessary to coming to that conclusion. The mental gymnastics performed by the alcoholic in "rationalising" their habit is extraordinary. Thanks for the advice...I will have a look to see if there is a support group locally...
You hit the crux of the dilemma on the head. It is very very difficult to admit to your own issues whilst continuously being addled by alcohol. Took me a hell of a long time.
So much good advice has already been given. Remember to take care of yourself. Perhaps you’d benefit from seeing a therapist. You say your wife is a functioning alcoholic. I hope that doesn’t mean she’s still driving. Essential to have her license taken away if so. Your GP can organise that. I’d say your wife doesn’t see herself living too many more years so doesn’t want to stop drinking. She’s probably scared. Spirits really are the worst thing to be drinking as an alcoholic. Hard to control the amount and does maximum organ damage. Liver failure isn’t a nice way to die. Does she like wine? Could she switch to a bottle of wine every night to start with? That’s seven standard drinks. You say she’s now having 14 a day. That’s equivalent to two bottles of wine a night. She may be drinking even more. I feel sad for both of you. I hope you have support. Take care xx
Thank you...the attraction of vodka is its invisibility...you can slip it into any innocent-looking drink (Coke, fruit juice, etc etc) without drawing attention. A glass of wine is an obvious "drink". I had to give up my driving licence last year following an epileptic seizure, thankfully I am back driving again but I had always been the "designated driver" as I don't drink. My licence surrender meant that my wife had to drive me everywhere. I know that she was driving under the influence on many occasions but I didn't make an issue of it. To be honest, I think that her driving is no different sober or not. She would need to admit that she has a problem with drinking before surrendering her licence (as I did because of my epilepsy) and I don't think she would be prepared to do that. I am not about to "turn her in" to her GP as it would be a betrayal of an all too fragile trust
Yes I do understand the invisibility of the vodka. She’d have to want to cut down alcohol to switch to wine. Sounds like she doesn’t want to. Have you spoken to her about how her drinking affects you? As far as driving under the influence. Alcoholic or not she is putting your lives and others every time she gets in the car when above the legal drinking limit. Nobody wants their license taken away but it is selfish of anyone to drive when you’ve been drinking as much as your wife is. Even if she feels like she is perfectly fine driving, she is not. Alcohol greatly affects reaction times in an emergency. Please talk to her about it. I have a good friend who is an alcoholic but she only starts drinking late afternoon and does all her driving during the day. Perhaps that’s an option for your wife?
I wish she would drink only in the evening...but she doesn't. I try to make sure that I do all of the driving wherever possible. Wanting to stop drinking is complicated for an alcoholic. Alcohol abuse is a disease and the sufferer has little active control. I know this must sound like an excuse to most people and that was my view before I found myself living with one. I don't have the answers but I know that tactics like making her feel bad about her drinking would only push the activity even further underground.
One of my best friends is an alcoholic. She has tried so hard to give up drinking but at the age of 62 now she has realised that giving up completely will never happen for her. She is open with her friends about being an alcoholic. She has retired early. Is active in the mornings and sometimes all day if she plays golf then the drinking starts when she gets home. She tries to put a limit on it but that usually goes out the window. Her husband, also a good friend of mine, has also come to accept that she won’t give up and supports her by not keeping alcohol in the house other than the wine she’s going to drink that day. He also joins her on outdoor activities. It’s hard on him. You’re a good man for supporting your wife. Please hide the car keys if you know that she has drunk a lot and you are unable to drive. Sending hugs to you both
This is so sad that she won't help herself. My neighbor developed alcoholic cardiomyopathy with a very low left ventricular ejection fraction,stopped drinking and within months his ejection fraction improved considerably. Your wife's myocardial damage from her minor heart attack may have been minimal &may mean her low ejection fraction is more likely from alcoholic cardiomyopathy and continued alcohol abuse could mean worsening of her cardiomyopathy.
It is more a case of "can't help herself" rather than "won't". I didn't understand just how strong the addiction was until recent events. If something as frightening as a heart-attack and heart failure aren't enough to make her change her drinking habits then a very powerful driving force must be at work. I am encouraged by your report of a neighbour who was able to improve his EF by giving up alcohol. I will introduce that thought to my wife as an encouragement to stop drinking. The promise of a positive outcome from stopping will be better than trying to make her change by making her feel bad about the effect that she is having on others. Thank you.
poppeye, for some reason this conversation “popped up” on my iPad and I recalled your post and some of the replies.
I’d just like to repeat a couple of things I said earlier - AlAnon (for relatives of those addicted) and your local authority Carers program, whatever it might be.
I admire you tremendously for sticking with your wife, just as I admire my husband for sticking by his daughter. In both cases, by helping them we are slowing down the process of getting to the bottom of the gutter. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I don’t know.
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