I've posted here before about my AF, but that's not the problem currently.
Somehow or other during my life, I always have been the 'go to' person when someone needs help, but at 75 and with fibromyalgia I feel that it's about time that I retired from this role, but it's just not happening.
My daughter, at 48, and after a number of years of treatment and IVF is finally pregnant and yes I know this is a cause for great joy and, believe me, I am very happy about it. However, she's doing it on her own and so I'm the main person who helps and supports her as much as I can and really I love to do whatever she wants as far as I am able, that's not a problem at all. However, she has very aggressive next door neighbours who seem to object to whatever she does to the point where the council and police have been contacted many times. The trouble is they are just doing enough to be very intimidating without actually breaking the law and this is affecting my daughter, my unborn grandchild and me and we are just powerless to do anything about it it seems.
Then my husband has got early stage dementia, dyslexia, asthma and is pre diabetic and is extremely reluctant to do what he is told by anyone let alone the medics, so that responsibility is also on my shoulders.
But the straw which broke the camel's back came this morning when my 88 year old friend, who also depends on me, called me at 7.45 in a panic because she thought there was a problem with her washing machine which there wasn't. And that was after having just woken up following a bad dream.
I know I have so much to be thankful for, but sometimes I feel I just need a break.
Thanks for reading this.
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DoggieMum
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DoggieMum I hear you! My elderly parents have become very dependent on me, not my sister, no one else, I get the calls when one is in the floor at 4am etc. My daughter gets no support from her ex husband so who gets all the calls when she’s stressed out…me. I have RA, OA, diabetes, AF, post MI and I’m grieving for loss of my husband , no one thinks ‘hang on a minute, she might need a break or bit of support!’ My daughter has the noisiest neighbours but again, just under the law. At our age we have the biggest demands on us from elders and youngers (if such a word exists). We love them, we help them, we give our all but who cares for the carer? Here for you 24/7. Take care 🦊xx
Thanks for your speedy reply especially as I know you have many issues yourself to deal with. I'm so sorry you have to move, that's just not right. The perpetrators always seem to get away with stuff; there's something wrong there isn't there?
Take care xx
Your post is so difficult to answer and I nearly passed it by. But I wanted you to know that I did read it and can only feel for the anxiety and worry that you must be feeling over your many problems.
What a horrible situation that your daughter is in, the stress she { and yourself } have over the IVF treatment, which I presume is successful, then have to deal with such neighbours.
I am so sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment, but a new life is on its way and if you put all your thoughts into that it may help both you and your daughter.
I wish you all, all the best including with your husband, that in its self is a hard journey to be on.
Thanks, all the speedy replies certainly have helped. That's what is so good about this forum we can say what we want and get support from people, which is so much appreciated. Take care xx
I’m 80 soon, pacemaker! Tell my daughter if she thinks she’s the sandwich generation. I feel like an open sandwich! Could you do this, could you do that….! 🙄
Hi DoggieMum, we can’t be strong for others all the time, and having a rant is an essential part of releasing all those feelings of overwhelm. It really sounds like you need time for you! We are here to listen and support, but I wonder if you’ve thought of finding a regular set of ears, maybe a counsellor, to support you at the start of your husbands dementia journey? Make sure and find a small joy every day!
I understand where you are coming from as an ex " Go To"person.Especially as I also have many other health issues apart from the heart ones including Fibromyalgia.
Apart from the fact that doing so much for others doesn't allow you the time to look after yourself and rest the added Stress if it all flares up the symptoms , especially the Pain.
I got in the physically destructive habit in the early days of it all when I'd say to myself , well I'll stop this and sort it after I've dealt with this problem , or I've helped , blah, blah , with that , but , of course, another thing always pops up.
Eventually, just like you, I realised I was breaking myself in two , or three, and all it was doing was bringing on more problems in my own health. I knew I had to be honest with myself and others about just how much I could manage to do before I hit a breaking point that I couldn't come back from and that wouldn't have been good for anyone.
I sat down , got the information on my illnesses . I worked out what things I needed to do, or wanted to do , and which things I was just doing because I thought I had to do it, or should do it. My list of duties dropped by 50%.
Then I worked out all the things that I did that could be taken on by somebody else , or I could get somebody else's help in doing to some extent.
Those helpers I then drew together were both friends and family , but also social care , medical, work and support groups.
It took a bit of work but it was worth it in the long run,
Then, I explained in a simple , upbeat , matter of fact way to friends and family what was wrong with me , how it effected me, and how it was going to change what I could manage to do from then on.
I explained I couldn't do all of the organising and helping that I used to , and that sometimes I might need to cancel something at the last minute or only attend things for shorter times.
Some obviously didn't appreciate the change , but most were supportive and stood up to help in any way they could now that they realised just what was effecting me.
I understand your issues are complex , so I'm hoping. have you any other friends or family that can help with the load?
Has your 88year old friend got other friends or family that she could also call ? People whom weren't stepping up just because they thought they didn't need to because you are doing it.
People that you could sit down with her with to explain that the others need to be her emergency call for things like washing machines etc. in future . Or could she be entitled to some Home help?
Could you get extra help or support for housework or Practical and Medical things to make looking after your husband easier?
Can you encourage your daughter to deal with her neighbour by speaking to the Council , Citizens Advice or a local free Advocacy service to help her with the issue instead of you having to deal with it?
Can you set limits with her now about how much you will be able to manage in terms of being a grandparent, especially as you are already a carer for your husband?
I know it makes you feel quite guilty at first when you start saying No , or step back , but it is worth it and you shouldn't feel guilty , you've worked hard enough and you deserve help yourself , as well as a medal for keeping this up as long as you have.
I'm only 51 and I know I couldn't be doing the job of the "Go To" person and still standing .
Take care , and if you want a chat or help getting more info please feel free to PM I will do what I can , hugs , Bee
Sometimes we just need to let go of it all.Help if you are able but don’t do so much that you aren’t able to enjoy your own life.Hope everything goes well xx
I'm 71, and also the "Go To" person for multiple family and friends. I singlehandedly looked after my Mum, the last 3+ years were 24/7, despite having 3 siblings.As my health presents me with more and more challenges I've tried to wean them off such dependence, and finally bluntly told them that I worry about how they'll cope when I'm not here. After a couple of repetitions it's beginning to sink in. I hope I'll be here for a good few years yet, but after many years of dependence they need to practice.
There's no easy answer, and it's very hard to take a step back, so sending hugs.
This is me and there’s definitely an in between to treating you like you can’t do anything when in reality your doing more than any 40 year old you know.
It’s great to be needed, great to be busy but also good for somebody elsa do something for you.
Yes I know and you are right in everything you say and when I look back I do a lot less for people than I used to, but as regards my friend I am going to call AgeUK tomorrow to see if they can give me any help or advice. When my grandchild is born in December my focus will be on them. Thanks so much. Take care xx
Oh that is a lot.Do you think maybe having someone to talk to away from your family or friends might be helpful. You could contact your local carer centre who can offer free counselling sessions.
I understand your feelings not rant and we all need somewhere/one to express our feelings.
l do sympathise with your daughter’s neighbours. I have exactly the same and it has been going on for a number of years. My boundary, on one side of my property, is only divided by a fence so there is close proximity. Police and Council have been contacted on numerous occasions. I have also been to a Solicitor (costly l know) who has on three occasions written to them. My neighbours are on the anti-social Police register, but the Police do nothing. I live in a well respected area and these people have intimidated me when no one is around. My Solicitor advised me to install cctv cameras and warned my neighbours that if it continues l will not hesitate to take out a restraining order against them. It has helped enormously and although it has not eliminated the problem completely, l have much more peace. Your daughter should not have to put up with this kind of behaviour so maybe they need some warning shots. Sorry you have all these problems but you must be a caring person for everyone to run to you. They say God only gives you what you can stand. Wishing you peace.
Thanks so much and you are absolutely right. My daughter lives in an affluent area where the police rarely patrol because they don't need to. The local beat officer has promised to patrol now, but can't promise how often. She is also going to install CCTV on top of her door bell camera, high fencing with netting to keep her cats in the garden, dashcam and house alarm. The house will soon resemble Fort Knox. She has agreed to try mediation, but does not expect them to agree. I really don't know what people think they achieve by being unpleasant. Even though my daughter is a Borough Councillor, the council still are unable to do anything unless she can provide evidence of breaking the law.
I am so sorry to hear that you are having the same problems and my daughter has done all those things too.
Just to change the subject slightly, do you have a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel as your nickname suggests?
My daughter has one too called Max. Sometimes I wish he was a Rottweiler!! xx
l think it is the same scenario- a woman on her own. They sound bullies just as my neighbours are. I did not agree to mediation as my neighbours have been verbally abusive and it would have been an opportunity for them to intimidate me even more. I think that may be very stressful for your daughter who needs to take it easy in her condition. It is s difficult decision, but is not compulsory. My neighbours are dreadful people and l can’t even bear to look at them. The further away they are the better. Yes, l did have a King Charles Cavalier named Rubie. He was that colour. Sadly no longer with me. They are adorable. I now have a Dachshund named Lady. I wasn’t going to have anymore, owing to my age, but my daughter bought her for me. I hope all your problems resolve. Tell your daughter to keep strong. You as well.!
She has been assured that mediation works very differently these days and does not mean that you have to sit in the same room as them anymore and that's the only reason my daughter agreed to it because she feels the same about her neighbours as you do about yours.Thanks so much for your good wishes and enjoy your lovely dog, we have a very elderly rescue called Guinness who is a Sprollie that's a cross between a Springer Spaniel and Border Collie, who as his name suggests, is black and white.
Take care of yourself and just try and believe that those people must live really sad unfulfilled little lives to feel the need to treat you in such a despicable way xx
Oh thank you Doggiemum for those kind words. I hope your daughter has a good outcome from the mediation and it acts as a deterrent. Your doggie sounds wonderful. I have had a dog from childhood. Always wanted a Collie but never got there and it’s too late now. I have had some wonderful dogs most of them rescue. Enjoy your pooch and try not to worry. Things have a way of sorting out and one thing you can rely on is change, things never stay the same. Best wishes for some peace and for happiness with your new grandchild. ❤️
I think a rant was well and truly needed sometimes, DoggieMum - you've had to put up with an awful lot - and I hope it's made you feel even just a little better. I just wanted to wish you, and your daughter, many congratulations on your lovely news. My own sister was 70 this year and has just had the wonderful news of an 'all clear' from breast cancer. One day, while at hospital waiting for her chemo session, her son rang wondering if she was still going to pick his children up from school that day! They can be thoughtless sometimes.
Thanks so much and yes ranting yesterday has helped. Fortunately my daughter is no t like that and is there for me despite having a very stressful job.Hope your sister gets on OK xx
She's doing absolutely grand, DoggieMum, (she's actually just on her way here for a visit). I'm glad your lovely daughter is more thoughtful than my Sis's son - he is a lovely guy but just doesn't seem to stop and think! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. x
I agree with all that has already been said, but it is not easy. Just yesterday I got called ‘nasty’ by my sister because I said ‘no’ to holding the shed door open as I was in the middle of something. It sometimes reduces me to tears and I feel like giving up so can honestly say I know how you feel.
I wish I could follow the advice given but I am just too weak I will carry on until I drop but that is just me—— hope you manage to make some improvement.
There's givers and takers it seems and you can't be both. At least you can say that, as far as you're able, you do your best for everyone. Take care xx
Sorry to read of your predicaments, I'm sure it's beyond demanding on you.I've read all the lengthy replies, which are written with care and empathy, which is lovely and very supportive.
But . . there's really only one word you need - it's NO
I'm not saying it's easy especially when you've been a YES/FIXER kind of person for a very long time, as indeed was I.
I've been in exactly the same situation (differing variables of course . . ).
But there comes a time, when enough is enough. I'm not suggesting cutting people off carte blanche, but you need to make others aware of your needs, and what level (if any) of assistance and availability you might feel appropriate to offer them.
Explaining your needs, does not mean, feeling it necessary to justify yourself or your actions.
It is possible to make your life easier, you hold the master key, the more you use it, the easier it gets . . Promise.
Thanks so much for that and when I look back I realise that I have jettisoned a few people in the past few years because I've had enough and I realise that they were not friends at all. Ho hum their loss xx
Having lived for many many years in a house my Grandfather built in the 1930s,although we had been considering a move because of my disability, we were finally driven out by neighbours after we objected to plans for a massive extension. The awful behaviour culminated in him decking my husband. The police were worse then useless. Best move I ever made. Life is calmer, quieter, closer to shops and so much easier. I hope your daughter gets some peace because neighbour problems completely drain you. As for you, Bleary eyed has some brilliant suggestions. Get some help arranged where it's possible, especially with your husband - talk to his doctor and make him aware how difficult it is for you. You could get a befriending service to be with him while you go out and get a break, the chemist could make his medication easier to organise etc I assume his conditions make him lack empathy and seem uncaring. Understand that he can't help it. ( My autistic husband just went back to bed when I had a heart attack). Make it very clear to people that there are things you can no longer do ; learn to say no without being unpleasant such as your 88 yr old friend; just say you 'll look at it later but right now she's just woken you up so you can't do anything. Make suggestions to others about where they may be able to get help because you can't at the moment. Learn to say no while giving suggestions where they could get help. Could you go away for a week or two to recharge your batteries?
Thanks so much for that Qualipop. I do get a little bit of support from the British Legion for my husband and he also goes to a Men in Sheds group once a week which does help. I'm sorry to hear your husband burying his head in the sand when a crisis happens, mine is the same; he puts it in the 'too difficult' box and closes the lid. At the moment he is trying to help, but unfortunately I know it won't last.
I'm certainly going to contact AgeUK and am just about to look on their website now.
THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND SUGGESTIONS. IT'S GREAT HAVING THIS FORUM XX
Good luck. How well I know that "Too difficult to deal with" box. Well he had to two weeks ago; dog had justhad an oepration and needed watching constantly when i had to ring 999 with incredibly crazy heart rate. I was kept in for 4 days so he had to deal with visiting and laundry too. ( The hospital's almost an hour away.). He coped when he had to .
Bless you! If anyone has earned a right to rant, it has to be you. You certainly have a full plate—a heapingful full plate. But, as we all know, a healthier diet would be several small snacks throughout the day.
It sounds like you have always been the go-to-gal, the problem solver, and the fix-it lady for your family and friends. They would likely all describe you as kind, resourceful, strong, etc. That can all be wonderful, but you may also feel that you can’t relax or ask for support or help for you.
After my first husband and I split up, he immediately moved in with our grown daughter, her husband and child. I remained alone in our apartment. He lived with Carolyn and her family for years. One day, I was taking my daughter to a nice lunch and later a movie. She was venting some about her dad and how he sometimes never paid her any rent nor did he pay utilities. I asked why she had taken him in to live with her. He had a job and could have managed to get an apartment. However, she proceeded to tell me that she never had to worry about me because I was strong and she knew that I could manage to take care of myself. She added that she did worry about dad because he couldn’t take care of himself.
That conversation has stuck with me for life. It doesn’t really matter if others feel that we are strong and resourceful. We can also feel sad, lonely, depressed, or worry about paying a bill, or handling a problem. Everyone wants to know that family and friends care about us and would support us just as we support them. And any of us can feel vulnerable and need to collapse for one day.
I may be totally wrong, but you could likely use some support. Perhaps you could use a day per week just for you to go out to relax. It might be going for tea at a lovely little cafe, taking a stroll around a city park or garden, seeing a film, or doing something completely different. I know that it would also have to fit into your health needs as well.
I haven’t tried to offer any suggestions on how to possibly “fix” any of the problems that you discussed. Instead, I just wanted to say that I heard you and I hope that you can get some support too. You are carrying much weight on your shoulders, and it is okay to put some of that weight down.
Thank you so much for that caring and understanding reply which could only come from someone who has had difficult times (like so many people on this forum) that's why I find it such a great place to be. I can understand how you must have felt when your daughter said that to you and feel your pain.
I have today emailed AgeUK and hopefully I can gently ease my friend to their care.
I think that idea will help so much! Your friend will have additional resources available to her, and you can ease back into the role of friend—which is what you did with your email today.
Someone once said that older age is not for the faint-of-heart. I believe that this is true. We sometimes long to tackle all that we used to do, but we can find the many tasks /duties overwhelming to us. Just remember to keep some time and strength for you.
Take care and positive wishes going out to you! ❤️
Just want to thank you for raising the topic of difficult neighbours. The discussion has really made me count my blessings. My neighbour does present some problems but very minor compared with things I've read on here. It's really made me see things in perspective. I do hope you can resolve some of your problems which really do sound very significant. Very best wishes.
So much support and helpful comment. Just wanted to add a vote for looking after yourself first, then you can ( on your terms of course!) support others. Don't be sfraid to tell friends and family how you feel.Best thing I ever did.Throughout my working life I never learnt the art of saying no and just "coped", I was a Macmillan Nurse and I always felt there were no excuses for not giving the best care always in those circumstances so worked long hours.
Now retired for 20 yrs I can say no without an excuse. My physical body provides me with a selection of symptoms, if I don't treat it with respect!! I dislike the fact my anxiety can control my behaviour sometimes, but usually it's a sign for more self care and a modicum of selfishness!!
My husband too has what is probably early vascular dementia and I have to confess I can be very impatient
I can't imagine how you feel, but know our children remain our children however old they are and we would do anything to ease their problems. The hardest part is feeling helpless.
Thanks so much for your very helpful comments and I have the greatest respect for those who do jobs such as nursing. I think you're all wonderful. Take care xx
In my opinion it's time to flip the switch and take time for yourself. You need to shut the excessive stress out. Life is already to short and that'll just shorten it even more. You need those extra years to enjoy your grandchild. I'd suggest your daughter find a new home. Sometimes you just have to make those decisions for your own well-being and you're own happiness. Your happiness is in your own hands my dad used to say and how you want to live your life. Wishing you all the best 🙏
sounds like it is time for your daughter to move and find somewhere where she can raise her child worry free and maybe, even better, look for a neighbourhood maybe near schools where it is more likely to have young families with kids.
You deserve some peace and quiet and not feeling the responsibility of other people’s health and happiness on your shoulders!
Just to let everyone know. I phoned AgeUK yesterday and they advised me to speak to my friend which I did and fortunately she accepted that life was getting difficult for me and agreed to do her own shopping and I just hope that she will be a bit more considerate before calling me in future as well. Thanks everyone for your support and advice
Well done, DoggieMum - it must have been hard for you to speak up, but you've done the right thing. As I said to my sister, it's time to spoil yourself a little rather than everyone around you - she's gradually getting used to it! 👍😀
Sometimes we get caught up in negative people ..and it's breaking free ..I too suffer with AF and it is difficult so good luck ..with your quest and well done for the rant it does you good sometimes
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