Accepting Mortality

[IanAG]

I had a CABG 12 years ago at the age of 51.

Since then I have discovered that I have a severe mental illness, Emotionally Intense Personality Disorder, and also developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I take a lot of medication as you can imagine, and because of the CFS have been unable to exercise. My psych medications also increase appetite and reduce metabolic rate, so that doesn't help either.

I exercised well and kept a healthy diet until the CFS knocked me off my feet and they prescribed an anti psychotic for my mental illness, but since then things haven't been so good. It's a constant battle to overcome my feelings of hunger, and so far I'm losing it. I am now obese, something I have never been in my life. I know this is a high risk for my heart. I am not a model patient, but I'm doing the best I can.

Recently I have been experiencing chest pains and breathlessness. Eight weeks ago I had a blackout. People tell me to go to A&E, but when I have been there in the past they have just told me that I haven't had a heart attack and sent me home, so I don't see the point. The doctor at the Chest Pain Clinic told me that there is nothing more that they can do for me, that there's no point coming to A&E.

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow to discuss my worsening symptoms with him.

Over the past couple of years, I've done a lot to prepare for death - discussed with my wife and adult children, transferred all my assets into my wife's name, written lasting powers of attorney, made peace with everyone. It's funny, I feel as though I have given up fighting to live and begun to accept my mortality, something I never thought I could do.

I don't know why I'm writing this - mainly to get it off my chest and to share with people who understand. I always find writing helps me.

Ian

[Hidden]

Hello Ian

I was so sorry to read you post but in ways I relate to you

I had Bypass surgery 16 months ago and even before then I did suffer with numerous as they call them mental health problems

I have been battling the last 16 months with all this more than I ever have done in my life as the heart issues have had a big impact on my Mental health and I am really struggling

You feel depressed and the last thing you feel like doing is exercise , you feel down and depressed and you want to comfort eat , the same with some medications they can make you hungry as well as when I look at a lot of my medications it says they can put you weight on and some of mine have !

Alongside the medications has anyone ever offered you Counselling ?

Even if you have had it before this is something I would talk with my Doctor about

I am so shocked to read you have been told there is no point going to A&E and nothing more they can do for you there is every point in going to A&E if you are blacking out or getting chest pains and if people took the time there is always something that can be done to help rather than give in like you sound you have accepted you should do that makes me feel so angry they have this attitude towards you

Please don't give up keep pushing the Doctors into getting you the right support , medications that maybe will not make you feel so hungry there are so many to try

I know when we feel like this we can grab snacks and food that are unhealthy for us it is like comfort eating

Do you feel you and your wife could make a new year's resolution together that all snacks and unhealthy food stops ( don't have it in the house )

Look at all healthy snacks and food , ok I know they may not be as appealing but before you know where you are they will start to taste as good and take that hunger away

The smallest of exercise can help a walk up and down your garden , a few step up's all will help but try as bad as you are feeling to start setting a little plan to make sure you just do one thing a day

You have been through so much you did not ask to be like this but I know you can get it under control and if there is anything we can do to try and support you just keep posting and know there are so many that do not want you to give up but to turn this round

Please let us know how you get on at the Doctors , make a list so you don't forget anything you want to ask , no matter how bad things feel or are never give up you are here telling your story for a reason to help the next person who finds themselves in your situation and there will be someone that regretfully does

Again please never give up you can do this I know you can x

[IanAG in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hidden . Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.

I guess that I just wanted to vent yesterday, and when I do vent I want to do it with people like you who understand.

I am generally pretty positive given the circumstances, trying my best to live life as fully as I am able. I think though that every now and then I get a little overwhelmed by the health issues that I'm trying to live with and how these, and the medications I have to take, interact with each other.

I have a lot of good things in my life, and count myself fortunate to have had my bypass which has so far given me an extra 12 years of quality life. Maybe the heart disease is progressing again and its time for another intervention.

I will have a frank discussion with the GP this evening. I think your advice to push things is important. I may ask about counselling again just to see what help I can get.

A saying came to my mind yesterday evening - 'Hope for the best, expect the worst, and accept what comes'. It seems that there lies the route to peace.

Have a good day,

Ian

[Hidden in reply to IanAG]

Hello

It is not easy and the medications have messed with my system to I am not sure if I am coming or going as we say

You will still have plenty more years yet and I do hope when you see the Doctor later they give you the support you need as well as I agree been referred to the Cardiologists to get an MOT would be a good thing to get done

Good Luck x

[Heather1957]

You certainly have been through it.

In some ways there is nothing wrong with preparing for the future and our death, we do that in our own way. You have a family and you have made provisions to make it easier for them when you go. I am single and don't have children so have said my relatives can sell the house and pay for my funeral out of that, I have made a will.

The other side of the coin is that I want to enjoy life for now. I don't have the issues you do and the MH problems you have must be making it even harder for you (I can't even imagine). I have had a bypass, a stroke, 2 stents and have diabetes, the chances are I will die of heart failure, just like my dad and of course it could be at any time and without warning.

I do understand that it helps you to write it down, I totally get that and you should do what helps you deal with everything. I think that although most of us don't post about it we do think about our mortality and do what we can to deal with the practicalities of it. Sadly the emotional side of things makes it a lot harder to deal with.

I hope you get some satisfaction from your GP, good luck.

[IanAG in reply to Heather1957]

Thanks Heather for your kind words.

Surprisingly I do manage to keep myself on the grateful side of the line for the majority of the time in spite of my illnesses. For example, I'm so grateful that I had that bypass which has effectively given me an extra 12 years of life so far. And there is so much for which to be grateful for each day.

And I still manage to live life to my fullest. I have a mobility scooter and have loved getting out and about independently over the summer (I no longer drive), have been on holiday with the family a couple of times, love eating out, and have been building my collection of books.

I guess that I just need to vent every now and then, and when I do I like to vent with people who, as I say, understand. It just seems really funny living in this 'in between' world where you are still trying to live life to the full, but at the same time painfully aware that it could end at any time.

Hope that you are keeping well Heather and getting the care that you need.

[Heather1957 in reply to IanAG]

I think you sum it up perfectly when you posted:

'It just seems really funny living in this 'in between' world where you are still trying to live life to the full, but at the same time painfully aware that it could end at any time.'

My dad died at 52 at the prime of his life, just came home from work and dropped dead, I am 65 years old and because of the bypass and stents have also extended my life.

I am so glad you can see the positives as I know sometimes MH problems can just focus on the negatives.

Take care and keep venting most of us can totally relate to your problems.

[Hidden]

Hi Ian

That’s a very frank and open post. I feel for you like others do here.

Sometimes it’s good to vent to people who are not directly affect by what you say such as family and close friends. You get more of an objective response.

You sound very brave. I admire your strength.

I don’t know where you live but there is an “Andy’s Man Club” in most areas of the UK now. They meet on Monday nights at 7pm. Look them up. My son used them when he had a crisis and found the groups very helpful. It’s a space for men to talk. My son is now a facilitator and I’m so proud of him. Through him I’ve found that the discussions they have cover anything life throws at you. He went initially for his own mental health issues. It’s a safe place.

Its just a suggestion and I hope it helps.

Take care

Maisie