This problem is small fry, I know, but how do you tell a new and casual acquaintance that you have a heart condition? I'm in an awkward situation of walking home from school drop-off with another parent from my daughter's class and it is uphill all the way. We walk at what is probably a very leisurely pace to him but I really struggle with it, especially as I have to make conversation at the same time. I always get really out of breath (embarrassing) but yesterday I was seeing flashing lights and all sorts, I pretty much burst into tears as soon as we parted ways because I felt so awful. I spoke to my husband about it and he said I should "just tell him" but I don't really want to have that conversation. I do make it my policy to answer questions honestly, so a couple of school mums who asked about my daughter's only-child status know about my heart, but I don't want to tell all and sundry, I quite like people NOT knowing. What is a good way to resolve this? I don't want to spring the information on him out of the blue, like, "I'm seeing flashing lights, I have heart failure, can we stop for a moment? No, no need to call an ambulance..." Ha! But I also don't want to make it a big announcement/big deal. We are not close friends, but our daughters are becoming friendly, so we are likely to spend more time in each other's company. I hate this stuff...
awkward conversations: This problem is... - British Heart Fou...
awkward conversations
Hi Laura..... I think you need to tell him. Especially as it sounds like you will be walking up this hill on a regular basis. I have found that if you tell people they are very understanding and he will be happy to slow down the pace. Which, remember, is an easy adjustment for him... but will make a massive difference to you.
I would broach it in a bit of a light hearted way " now don' panic but I have a bit of heart damage.... I am absolutely fine.... I just struggle a bit with hills. Do you mind if we just walk a little slower when we go up the hill.... it just stops the heart over working" then give a big smile.
Also when launching into the hill walk try and let him do the talking as much as you can.
I do undertand you don' want lots of people to know.... I am the same. But sometimes.... when you are doing something regular like this... it' important for you and him to know. And it will then make got a much more pleasant walk to school for you. Good Luck let us know how it goes xx
Thanks, you are right, I know. He has just moved to the UK and English is not his first language. Although he is impressively near-fluent, I do feel like I need to do most of the talking and don't like to get into complicated topics of conversation...like heart failure! Ha! But I will make an effort to bring it up next time we are on the hill. Either that or start feigning appointments in the other direction, I guess! 
Ok as has been said the best way is to just try and tell him.
Equally as most people have said most people are really understanding, so even if you did not say you have a heart condition but asked "Please could we walk a bit slower" or say "I really need to walk a bit slower" most people will respond to that. In fact I recently attended an event for people with long term health conditions/disabilities on jobs in investment banking and was told just this. Make the request for the adjustment but do not immediately say why. Answer why when asked. This way the recipient is clear what the instruction is without being bombarded with unnecessary information. To be honest I have found people more responsive this way. It does feel awkward as feels the need to justify the request (unless finance is involved) but its rarely necessary.
Obviously if you are going to spend more time in each other company then it may be advisable in general to start thinking about that conversation.
Thanks, it's really interesting to hear that employers are addressing this very question. I might try that approach at first, see how it pans out from there. I feel a bit more comfortable at the thought of that conversation - I don't mind him knowing about my heart, so if he asks then fine, I just don't want to make an announcement out of the blue. Asking if we can slow down a bit is not too shocking a request. Thanks 
I would just come out and say it!
When I work in Manchester we have to go up 2 flights of steps to the assessment room. If anyone comes in with me I just say, 'you go ahead I can't walk very fast'. or if walking with friends I say 'Can I set the pace as I can't walk very fast'. If they ask if there is a reason I do explain otherwise that is all I say.
Thanks, I think that is my plan now. The more people reply, the more obvious the answer is. I don't know why these little things cause me so much anxiety. Honestly, he's just about the nicest-mannered man you could ever hope to meet! 😂 I guess it all comes down to good old-fashioned shyness on my part. I find making other people uncomfortable excruciating. I have probably over-thought everything as a consequence. I seem to be in a bit of a self-critical/paranoid mindset at the the moment, worrying too much about what other people think of me. It's that bloody birthday party's fault, ha! I would much rather never raise my head above the parapet. I feel really guilty that my daughter is an only child (I know, I know, it's not my fault, but it is because of me/my heart) and I get over anxious about facilitating friendships for her, something that takes me way out of my comfort zone and means I have to connect with other parents. I don't often fall apart in public now, but being around other parents (especially if they have a baby, as this particular parent does, or more than one child) is quite an emotional situation for me and I'm always fearful of bursting into tears and having to explain everything. And once you've fallen apart in front of someone once, it's even more stressful to be in that person's company. Plus it's not the way to get people to welcome your child into their home/life!😂 But I do know how to deal with these situations, I'm so much more OK about it than I used to be, I think it's just the intensity of all the new people at school in general, plus being a bit more visible now I've had people over for the party. Gah, I just wish I was invisible sometimes! 😳 I guess this specific worry is just the same worry I've been dealing with the last six years. Which is annoying, but at least I know I CAN deal with it. Sorry, that was a ramble and a half...
Hi Laura...i so get your anxieties and feelings of guilt having an only child. I felt similar for a number of years when my son was young
Plus I would have loved to have another child..
So I used to have baby envy at the school gates with other mums.
But now looking back ( hindsight is a wonderful thing) I see that ryan made his own friends.... and yes they would sometimes come over after school.... and he would go to theirs. But i didnt really have the parents over. They just picked up
And parties were much better when they were out of the home. Much less stressful for me and fun for the boys.
We did a pirate party in the woods. Swimming pool party with giant inflatable.... and the poolvstaff organised all the games. Cinema party followed by pizza.
Having just one child i found I had a lot more time to do fun things as there was just the two of us.... (as it sounds like you do too... with your fabulous creative fun designs that you do with your daughter). His mates have since told me they wish they had had a blue peter mum like me!!
And although he is now 23 ....we are still very close... and when I have mentioned that I wished he could have had a brother or sister he said " mum I used to think the same... but when I went to my friends houses... the siblings were always rowing fighting or crying... and I used to think how lucky I am to be the only child"
I know your daughter is at a new school but sounds like she is making friends already. You have done the big party event but don' feel the need to do each year. By her next birthday she will have a little band of friends... so a party for 5 could be perfect 😀.
You are a lovely and amazing person and mum ..... and your daughter is getting the benefit of all of that love and attention. And that's what will be important to your little one..... spending time with mummy and having fun.
I always say the most important thing a parent can give to their child is "their time" And sounds like you do that in spades. Xxxx
Thank you, Karen, I find it so comforting to know there's someone else who has really felt the same way I do. I've been really down about the no-babies thing again this weekend, just seems really bloody unfair. But my sadness was nothing like as bad as it used to be, just a good weep on Saturday night and a few wistful sighs over the weekend. I think it helps that, if someone could wave a magic wand and make my heart better, I probably wouldn't choose to have another baby now. My six-year-old has only just started sleeping through the night most nights and I don't want to go back to sleep deprivation (ha!) plus a sibling with this age difference wouldn't be such a positive for my daughter, I don't think. I really do see the positives of having an only child and I know some of my friends with two or more children would love to have the sort of quality time my daughter and I do, but this wasn't my choice. Plus the health condition that took that choice away also makes it bloomin' hard to find the energy to be the sort of mum I want to be. But I know I am doing a good job and I love my relationship with my daughter and how my family works as a unit of three. Last night, putting my daughter to bed, we got onto the subject of racism and I was telling her about Malcolm X and Rosa Parks. She said, "But that is so mean! Everybody has to be sad sometimes but you should never make people sad on purpose, you should make people happy. People should be able to choose what they want to do, other people shouldn't make them do things they don't want to. Everybody is important, even Donald Trump, even though he's really selfish. I want to make sure everyone in the world is happy and can do what they want to do." Oh, I was so proud of my kind and thoughtful girl Earlier this week she had asked me if I thought it would be a good thing to feel happy all the time. I said I thought it would. She disagreed and said it was important to be sad or scared sometimes - "Imagine if you had never been scared as a child and then something really scary happened when you were a grown-up! Then you would be REALLY scared!" I'm sure these conversations couldn't happen so often if my time was divided between her and another child. It is all good (except the heart, obvs!) so a bit disappointing to feel down about it again, but I can feel myself rallying. Tonight we have weekly gymnastics with one of her best friends form nursery and afterwards our two families are taking a picnic tea to the cinema to watch Paddington. It is a pretty good life!
I understand how you feel Laura, I dont like most people to know either. I make a conscious effort not to breathe too heavily when I walk up the escalator or stairs at work. My worst moment was when a colleague introduced a new joiner to me with the immortal words "this is Mark, he had a heart attack at his desk"
Mark, I know I shouldn’t, but your colleagues introduction made me laugh out loud. Absolutely priceless 😂
Gah, awkward! When I was waiting to get my pacemaker fitted, my mother-in-law was telling EVERYONE, including old school friends of my husband (she bumped into them in the supermarket) I had never even met. At that time, I didn't want anybody to know and I was pretty angry about it for a while, but I'm sure most of this stuff comes from a well-meaning place. At least your colleague said it to your face, they probably think you're a hero
Bless you laura,❤
It is very difficult isn't it
You don't want to alarm people but if you are walking regularly with him i would tell him.its unfair on you and so breathless is awful.
I suppose i am naturally blessed with a big mouth haha 😂😂😂
People i find are so understanding.
Jenny x
Hi, could just say your back plays up a bit when you walk fast especially when it's up hill. Everyone at some time has a bad back . Job done 😐
I'm a terrible liar! 😂
Hi Laura
I too can totally empathise with you. For me there is also a big part of me that doesn’t want to be defined by my heart and vascular issues. After months of having mutltiple appts I had to say something to my colleagues. I told them I had circulation issues and that’s why I was losing weight and walking in every day. One or two asked a bit more. And then they just moved on and have been very supportive and respectful and just don’t ask questions. I am usually a very open person but not on this one.
The fact that you do the school walk and it is uphill and hard is great. Well Done.
I imagine this fellow parent has noticed that you don’t walk fast and maybe that you don’t always look great and has chosen not to ask you And he too may have something he chooses not to talk about!
As for ranting - much healthier to have a safe place here to do so rather than bottle it up -Just thinking what is the difference between ranting and expressing what we really feel ? We all need a place to release and I for one am very grateful for the bhf for this community
So much good advice on here I am sure you will find the right way for you to let this man know
Bw
Sara 💐💐
Hi Laura. Just be honest and tell him. Just ask to go at a slightly slower pace as you have a heart problem and find it a challenge to keep up. I find most people once told are very understanding. I also completely get why you don't want everyone knowing you don't want people to treat you differently or wrap you in cotton wool. He will feel terrible though if something happens to you while walking with him and then he finds out.
I've always just very casually dropped it into conversation and not made a huge thing of it. I find that way it helps the people I've told to also not make a thing of it.
Good luck.
Vic
Hi laura. Your great at giving people help and advice on here. Why don't you imagine someone else has written your status. Then think how you would be so positive when answering and take your own advice. I'm sure if you just asked to slow down he would think nothing of it. X
Hi Laura I can really understand how you feel, I really don't like meeting new people or having to tell anyone , because we all look ok nobody ever thinks there could possibly be anything wrong, I can't really blame anyone for this I used to be the same! 😱 how things have changed, if I am in company and something like this happens,or sometimes people that know about the ticker forget and just charge ahead! I just say plain and simple, sorry I am not very good with hills/stairs, I will have to slow down a bit, but please go on if you are in a rush , I don't quantify the statement unless I am asked, and if I am I will say why, like everyone else here we don't want sympathy just an understanding, it must be much harder being so young as people just don't expect it but well done you for making such a great effort for the wee one to help her settle at the new school it must be so tempting to just drop her off and jump in the car to avoid having to speak to anybody,that would be me just hide from difficult situations, take care char xx
I can’t talk about my heart condition either.
Hi Laura,
A bit like you I don't like to make it obvious that I struggle walking, but I had a similar incident to yours, but when I realised I was struggling I just asked them to slow down. However, if you are walking with someone regularly I would tell them when they ask. Best way is to say 'this weather plays havoc with my breathing' hopefully this will open up the conversation. Don't forget this person or any regular people in your life may save you from any possible medical emergency in the future hope this helps.
Fran x
Hi Laura, l only have a email once a week because l was getting a bit obsessed with this site so hence the delay replying. So sorry you are feeling upset! You have been through such a lot, and with a young child to bring up. l think you are too hard on yourself, just tell the man you have a " dicky ticker" with the language barrier it will take him a long time to work it out, by the time he does your daughter will be grown up and working! Always here for you, try and not stress l know its hard and a long s**t journey but you will get there honey!!! Love Sue x
Morning Laura! It sounds like you have your answer already but I wanted to chip in with suggesting you try and see it from his perspective. If the shoe were on the other foot, would it bother you that he didn't tell you about his condition and chose to suffer in silence instead? As much as I would understand his reasons for not speaking up, I think I'd also feel a bit rubbish about that he didn't feel he could be honest about it. Good luck with the conversation!
Hi Laura, I think there's something quite British about struggling on without saying anything! But I'm sure you'll feel so much better if you do. It'll be worth it in the long run
Hi Laura How’s the school walk going? Hope you found a way that’s right for you
Sara 💐
Thanks, Sara. Haven't ended up walking with other parents yet this week, unless we've had the slow children (handy!) with us. Actually walked up a steep hill with the mum of the same school friend today (it's the dad usually) and she was complaining about the hills around here and was probably nearly as puffed as me. Made me feel a bit better!
Hi Laura, late on this thread but similar occurrence yesterday.
We have the " Builders In " on Monday and Tuesday there was 2 of them knocking down a wall which caused a lot of Rubble, so they would load the wheelbarrow and both of them would tip it into the skip. On Wednesday only one builder turned up. I passed him on the drive with his barrow full of rubble. Hmmm how do I say " I can't help because I have a wonky heart " or do I help him lift it into the skip.?? Being a little over 6ft and15 stone, "relatively fit " except for a wonky heart I helped. Silly I know, should have just said sorry " Wonky Heart " can't help, but none of us like to feel different.
Never thought of it before, I never share my wonky heart with strangers yet on here I have no problem amongst fellow Wonky Heart Posters of discussing what's wrong with my Heart, and importantly of looking for help with what's the meaning of this or that or the other from Cardiologists. Not the best way of saying it but I understand your dilemma.
Best Regards
Frank W
Yes, I have done similar many times, helping people carry pushchairs up stairs etc. Sometimes I've helped older people carry things and they usually comment on how nice it must be to be young and fit. I never bother to set them straight. I shovelled half a tonne of gravel in our shared front garden while our gym-addict neighbours watched with arms folded. One neighbour eventually helped but went at such a pace I couldn't keep up. I'm not sure why I don't just tell people...?
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