Struggling.

[Marnie22]

Really struggling with my grief today. 12 years and three months.

Sorry. Just needed to reach out because I feel so alone.

🌸

[chloe40 Administrator]

Really sorry you’re feeling upset, we all have these periods of distress , so we totally understand xxWe’re here for you cxx

[Marnie22 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you.

[Greyone]

Hi marnie23 - that's ok. You are very welcome. Thanks day is a sad day any way so you are not alone . I understand how you feel because my bereivement has similar effects on me. I hope you can be somewhere quiet and if you feel the need then just Have a cry and try to think of good times. Thats how it should end for the best.

Hope you'll pop in later to say how your going. {{{hugs}}}.

[Marnie22 in reply to Greyone]

Thank you.

[Dipsy23]

So sorry I am the same it’s my first birthday without me Mam could not be with with her last year because of COVID just wished I hadn’t followed the rules and given her a hug as you say you feel alone even though I have people around me .hope tomorrow brings you a better day

[Marnie22 in reply to Dipsy23]

Thank you, I hope the same for you.

[Hidden]

Not a problem. We all get times we feel upset no matter how great our circumstances are.

[KT22]

I’ve been struggling with my grief the past month, in fact as the days, weeks & months drag by I seem to get lower & more tearful. The good times seem “unreal”.Marnie, I’m sending you a big virtual hug xx

[GoGo_JoJo]

I had a dreadful day yesterday remembering a dear friend I lost in April 18 and the pain of watching her fade away during that month.

Bad days come but they always end too 💖

[Marnie22]

I am sorry for your loss. I have been diagnosed with Complicated Grief where I have been unable to move through the stages of grief as one would normally do. It's been constant for12 years. I just had an especially bad time yesterday. Thank you.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Marnie22]

I've never found the idea of the "stages of grief" very helpful. We all have to deal with our losses in our own ways and these are so varied.

I wondered if having a "diagnosis" and a label has helped or even hindered you?

I remember when I was diagnosed as "clinically depressed" I was very confused and didn't know what that meant for me or how I could proceed. By coincidence I saw my osteopath the very next day and when he asked me how I was, I responded that I didn't really know but that apparently I was clinically depressed. He was a very kind young man, he put his pen down and looked at me a minute and said "you might be depressed but you don't have to he depressed about it" and that has stuck with me always. He was completely right and I have actually learned a lot and grown a lot through my journey with depression.

Likewise with grief, we are stricken by the huge loss in our world and at times it seems impossible that the world can still be turning, that people go about their business without knowing what the world has lost...

We can, and we should be very sad at what we have lost, but for me, I try to be grateful for having had it at all. To find joy in things my loved ones used to like. My lovely friend loved tulips, I think of her when I see them and smile to remember her voice and what she would say. I remember my Dad's smile and try not to cry too much for him as that would make him sad but his smile lit up his whole face and was a joy to behold.

I still have awful, awful days but I know they are with me in spirit still. I talk to them frequently and try hard not to let the sadness overcome the joy in the present.

I do understand you are very isolated and that is extremely hard on you. It was because of isolation that I met my lovely friend at 89, she had been alone so long and lost her husband some 14 years before. We enjoyed a fabulous friendship going out to lunch and sitting in her garden chatting for hours and hours.

I really hope there's a special friend out there trying to find you, don't forget to let them in when they appear 💖

[Marnie22 in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Thank you for your reply. In my case I very much doubt that the diagnosis has made much difference except in one way which I will mention in a moment, because the diagnosis only came over 11 years after the bereavement. Last year I was being treated by a psychologist for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (not connected to my loss,) but the extended period of grieving came up and I asked the psychologist about it. It was my asking that led to the diagnosis. I have actually found it helpful because it let me know that it wasn't just something that I had and that no one else did and that the weird stuff that is not seen in 'normal' grieving, (sorry to use that word,) is actually 'normal ' for this condition. It is important to get a correct diagnosis, especially for relatively rare problems, in order to get the correct support and treatment. This condition often isn't recognised in primary care and in fact I was misdiagnosed with a different condition about ten years ago because my doctor didn't recognise that I had Complicated Grief. This condition differs significantly from the grief experienced by most people. It affects a small number of people. The normal things that are recommended to help people who are grieving don't help. Things don't improve, even after years have passed, in fact they often get worse. I had two courses of bereavement counselling which did not help. The grief is debilitating and affects the person every single day. It doesn't get better on its own. It isn't occasional and it's not depression. The person cannot 'think' themselves out of it, it isn't something that strength of mind approaches will work on. Through learning and understanding more about PTSD, I have come to understand that the conscious mind often needs additional help to deal with some things, for instance PTSD changes the way the brain works and affects the body in many ways. I used to work in mental health and I know the power of the mind and of positive and negative thinking patterns and behaviours. Research,(and my personal experience,) shows that approaches concentrating on changing thinking patterns don't have an impact on Complicated Grief. Believe me, I have tried them. In twelve years I have tried many, many things to help.

I hope what I have written makes sense.

Thank you again for you reply. I do appreciate your kindness.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Marnie22]

It does make sense. It's such a shame that all your previous experience in mental health issues hasn't been of more assistance.

Counselling doesn't always help, for some it really can make things worse.

It's always worth remembering whilst we're (humans) all very, very similar, we can also be poles apart in so many ways. 😕

I am curious as to what help and support can be offered in that case apart from medication...

[Marnie22 in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Medication isn't used for Complicated Grief. I have heard of one approach that is supposed to be effective, (sorry, I don't remember what it is called,) but I don't yet know what might be offered to me. Also, working in mental health doesn't mean you can treat yourself, especially when it is a relatively rare condition that you didn't come across in your professional life.

Take care.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Marnie22]

EMDR perhaps?

True, I didn't mean to imply you should be able to treat yourself... only that with such a wealth of experience it could potentially have been useful.

I hope they do offer something that can actually help 🤞🏻

[Marnie22 in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Thank you. I doubt EMDR would be used because its use is for trauma. It is brilliant but for specific purposes. It has helped me to recover from trauma that happened when I suffered a brain injury. 🙂🌸

[SadieGirl in reply to Marnie22]

Hi Marnie, My ♥️ Goes out to you…. Quick ?, have you tried Acupuncture at all? Just a thought…. Hugs, Colleen xx

[Caza in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

What a lovely reply. Love that line about depression, wise young man. I never really understood the stages of grief. You can feel all of them at once or go back & forth. To me,in time you get your good & bad days. Best just to go with it. Kind to yourself in bad times & really enjoy the good days.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Caza]

It was, and he was so very right. I've learned so much in dealing with my depression and become a better person through it all. 👍🏻

[RoseyViolet]

You are NOT alone. Grief is like that... times, places, smells, sights and sounds, remembrances. I'm convinced grief has no particular timeline of "getting over", it's a very personal journey. Remember the good times and the life lessons you learned from your loved one, trying not to get stuck in the bad zone of grief. We've all been there. It's really good that you are reaching out here and know you can be surrounded by people who care, who know and who understand. That's very healthy. Praying for the peace of the Lord to surround you and keep you in His loving care. Hugs to you my friend!

[Marnie22 in reply to RoseyViolet]

Thank you.