Would love some advice

Hi all, I was diagnosed 5 years ago with herpes after having a one night stand with someone. I had a few outbreaks in the first year and it got a lot less as time went on and hadn't had a outbreak in a few years but having a new partner now and have been seeing each other over a year now I am suddenly out of the blue thinking I have a symptom that it has returned i have a pain after sex but then it could be thrush I do suffer with that from time to time I haven't told him though that I have ever had herpes and have not had sex with him since I felt something, i had told my ex partner who understood at the time but after having a messy break up he threatened to tell everybody of my issue. This really sent me into a downward spiral and I new I could not tell anyone again. The issue I'm having now is that my partner wants to have a baby in the next year but I am petrified that the herpes will happen when I'm pregnant and then how will I give birth and then I'm petrified that he will no of my issue and leave me and do the same as my ex. I want to be a mum that's all I've ever wanted in life and I can't wait to start my next chapter of life with a man that I Truly love and don't ever want to lose. But I'm just so confused in what to do and it is now causing myself to have anxiety attacks again.

Would really just like some advice please.

6 Replies

  • just be honest with your partner. you don't want to give him to find out the hard way. I've gone through the same anxieties about telling my partners but haven't been able to do so...which meant Iget just had short shallow and meaningless relationships. talk it over and seek advice from you doctor.

  • Hi,

    If your partner really cares about you and wants to be the father of your children then he surely will love you no matter what the circumstances are. And if he does not, he is not the right guy for you. You will find someone who loves you for all your "flaws".

    If you can get through it once you can do it again, don't care what other people say.

    Hakuna matata


  • I to was in a relationship that got messy and she did tell to get back at me, i have dealt with this for 37yrs. U have to be forthcoming . Give them the chance to know

  • I understand there's now a cure for herpes. You may need to check online. I guess I saw something like that on Dr. Oz and there are several testimonies in support. If this is the case, you may well be on your way to attaining your dreams. All the best!

  • Hey, I was diagnosed 5 years ago and with only two outbreaks in that time it isn't really an issue for me any more. I'm pregnant at the moment and haven't had a single symptom but I did have a mild outbreak during my last pregnancy BUT as long as it clears up before you give birth then it's ok and there's no risk of you passing it onto your baby.

    Just be honest with your partner, he'd be more annoyed with not being told if you delay any longer so it's best you do it soon.

    Mine makes the occasional wise crack about mine, it still irritates me when he does it but if he's okay with it then I should be too.

  • Awwww, I feel you. I used to have the same problem every time I got a new partner - I've had HSV for 20 years now and I've never settled down (by choice), so I've been in that situation a number of times.

    My best advice would be to disclose your status to your partner. I would suggest that you get as well informed as you can and do your best to confident and positive about it - it's a very controllable condition and as long as you know you have it, it's very easy to reduce the risk to something very, very small. I've made a couple of longer posts with much more information in which may be helpful in terms of giving your partner information.

    I would also be understanding and respectful if he is upset that you've not told him sooner - he may feel that you've put him at risk. Don't be too proud to apologise for that.

    Focus on how much easier it will be to have at relationship with someone who knows. Also, the stress of keeping that secret cold definitely contribute to an outbreak!

    Get some daily antivirals, Acyclovir, for instance. They speed up healing and suppress viral activity, meaning you're 50% less likely to transmit the virus when you don't have symptoms. Consider using condoms, even with a regular partner - they cut the risk by half again. We all know they're a pain *rolls eyes*, but they do just become part of having sex after a while. By using condoms and antivirals you'll be doing everything you can to protect your partner.

    There's no need to feel dirty or ashamed. You're one of the unlucky ones who has the virus *and* has symptoms. If your partner were tested for HSV (the NHS don't routinely check for it) there's a 1 in 4 chance he would already have it anyway. You're not dirty and he's not clean. You test positive HSV and (as far as he's aware) he doesn't. No shame. You're better than that. I have a rotten throat infection at the mo, quite likely brought on by enthusiastically snogging someone with germs a couple of days ago - so y'know, you could call it an STI, because I was definitely having sex when I caught it. I'm not ashamed of my sore throat and you don't need to be ashamed of your occasionally sore VJ.

    Be chill, be honest and be real. Be respectful, be kind. Show love and you'll get it back. If you show shame, you're giving someone something to use against you. If you're not ashamed of your gippy VJ (*wink*) then folk have nothing to gain by telling their friends about it. And you know what? Leave those kiddies to play in the sandbox and go find a grown-up to play with who knows what kindness and compassion mean.

    Take care. You'll be fine.

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