Vicky's beautifully vulnerable and authentic post about the pain she still carries with her from her infertility journey and all your compassionate comments touched my heart. As I've mentioned in comments, I too continue to feel the pain of infertility. I've been thinking a lot lately about when we're truly ready to feel the full weight of this pain. I felt it while we were trying, but I knew that I needed to keep fighting. I needed to find a way to live my life without the family I dreamed of and I worried that if I let myself feel everything, I'd never be able to recover.
When we finally got pregnant, I expected to feel relieved, but there was no relief in pregnancy. Instead, I felt afraid to get attached, I was afraid of losing him and I was afraid to feel anything strong for fear of affecting the baby. Because I knew what it felt like to lose him. Every month trying I felt the hope of him, I felt him growing in my belly, I felt his presence. And every month my period came, I felt the loss of him. The loss of connection I felt in the hope of him.
It wasn't until after he was born that my heart felt safe enough to open up again. But I found that I couldn't experience the joy and gratitude without also feeling the pain of losing him. I've been experiencing all the emotions I put off. I finally understood what Brene Brown meant when she said you can't selectively numb pain. When you numb pain, you also numb joy.
Earlier this month I attended a training called Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss. I thought I was just attending it to learn how to support people who experienced miscarriage and infant loss. But what this training also helped me see was that infertility is pregnancy loss too. For the first time, I felt the weight of the pain I was carrying was truly acknowledged. I felt permission to feel it, to feel it all. I cried all the way home from the training and later that night experienced a significant release of the emotions I'd been holding onto. And then something amazing happened...I actually felt better.
Please don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of your feelings. We've all been through some serious sh*t. Another thing this group is showing me is that we aren't alone in this. Pregnancy and parenting after infertility and pregnancy loss is really hard. It's important that we honor our need for healing and understand that it's a process. As many of you stated, perhaps it will never fully leave us. But, I do believe it's possible to find peace.
When did you feel open to processing your experience? Are you still waiting to feel "ready"? What have you done that's helped you on your healing journey? Is there anything that has brought you comfort?
Thank you for being a part of this community. It means so much to me to be connecting with you all! Xx
