Some months back I posted how I was feeling very low after a bad day. Things got dark and I was very depressed, felt like I had exhausted all options. Now and after a couple of months I feel like I’m out and passed that particular episode, and feel I’m better placed for the next one. Here’s what I found,
1- what triggered the negative spiral was a bad day, but after the initial fog where you can’t make sense of anything and you swim in your initial anxiety and fears I realised that what caused that day was a lot mini and big bad days prior to that.
actually some of the aforementioned bad days would have been a better reason for a meltdown. But i had stronger shields back then. So reflecting on knowing what led me to this point helped me. To either steer from it again or brace for impact and be better prepared to handle it next.
2- I actually felt much better (as in not hating every ounce of myself and feeling hopeless) after a few days, lets say a week. But I wasn’t able to function (work, tasks, mood, duties etc) as well as before. Here i realised I was still recovering and needed to mentally rest. So I stayed away from all uneccesary things like Online life, social media, and things that were not priority. I needed to reset. And this took actually a couple of months. Which surprised me. But now I look back it makes sense.
3- giving or finding pockets of time to chill and reflect is a cheat code. I was a able to think on moments in the past similar the breakdown I had and compare and connect dots. i was able to process setbacks in a more healthier way than I did at the moment they happened. And it gave me closure on a lot of things. I loved it.
4- i got more physical and ate better. Actually becoming addicted to fruit which I hope I can keep up. This break gave me the chance to look at my health. I had a few scares. And they might become worse but for now in control. And i hate myself for how I have led a unhealthy lifestyle. This has given me a new focus and I banking on being physically healthier to help me with the mental side.
5- learning how to cope with great and bad people around me. I have some in my life who are amazing and others who seem to just are poisonous with every action they do. But overall none of them can truly understand what I’m going through. So i try and let the ones that care know when they should step in or keep them in the loop with my struggles and for the bad ones try my absolute hardest to not let them get to me. But that in itself is tiring.
6- all of this will happen again. But now I thing I hit a milestone and can better prep for the next ones. Some corny metaphors I can offer are, if my life is like a car journey, We’ll I just found out there is a seatbelt, some brakes, and airbags. When I crash it will hurt but I should be not that injured. And rest is crucial. I cannot turn off my life and recover. All the things I’m responsible must get done. So I strive to look for pockets. Carve out time where I can and learn to stop when things get overwhelming. Keep stakeholders in the loop if I’m struggling. And overall understand myself better and how Autism affects me.
