Help to engage with someone else’s hobby

[BuddyMacaroni]

I’m an autistic 35F (diagnosed with ASD) and I’m struggling with coping with emotions related to doing something I don’t fully want to do.

My husband likes acting and performing, and he’s really good at it, but he needs my help to help him learn his lines.

I want to help him but as soon as I start looking at the script I get overwhelmed and flap the papers and start making non - words sounds. He then says it’s ok and I don’t need to read to him. But when he takes the script and goes I feel so sad and upset for not helping him. I end up having a shut down and just feeling like an entirely horrible human being.

There isn’t much he asks of me, and I’m really angry and upset with myself that I can’t just suck it up and help him with his hobby.

I think I get stuck trying to think of a voice for the characters and I get worried about voicing more than one character. But I don’t think I have anything else blocking me (other than I’d rather be doing my own hobbies!) He says I can just read it in my own voice but when I try no words go from my brain to my mouth.

In my brain I’m panicking and freezing but from the outside I think it looks like I’m simply not willing to help

Does anyone have any helpful tips or ideas to help me read lines for him and overcome speaking as another person?

I really want to help him but at the moment I think I’m just making him frustrated and annoyed

[NotJim]

Hi BuddyMacaroni,

That sounds tough. I can totally get what you mean. (I have ASD and hate having to read off scripts spontaneously, even more when there are others around).

I'm sure you're not a "horrible human being" like you described yourself feeling, far from it by the sounds of it! From what you've written it sounds like you're putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself to try and do this for your husband. It sounds like you love him a lot, and want to do these things for him even though they're a tough challenge.

I think the more you stress about it, the harder it will become. Because the more you pile on the pressure, the more wound up you'll feel and be worrying about getting it right. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because all that stress is more likely to mean you make a mistake.

If you can allow yourself to gently ease off the pressure by letting yourself accept, hey this might be a bit of a challenge, it might not happen as easily as you want it to, but you're giving it a go, that's what counts.

Perhaps you could try just a small segment, rather than a whole scene. And when it comes to reading the more relaxed you are in your surroundings could help too. For example, you could be sat on the sofa, or wherever is your comfy place, you don't even have to look at him. It can simply be reading the words off the page like a text dictation program. You don't have to do the acting, that's your husband's job(!)

If it feels really all too much, then that's absolutely fine. It's lovely that you want to help him out, and i'm sure he appreciates your support. If you can't help him learn his lines by reading out the script, there's always other ways of offering support like cups of tea in breaks (or beverages of your choice!), or watching his performance for him when he runs through a scene.

But the worst thing you can do is berate yourself; it's not fair on you, it'll leave you feeling worse, and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel bad either. Plus it only leaves you feeling more stressed and upset than you did before (and so the wheel of stress goes round).

I hope you can feel better, and that this sort of helps.

Best wishes.

[Bee-bop]

Hi there,

I think that it can be really hard when you want to be there for someone but struggle to do what they want due to overwhelm. Can you write what you have put here in a letter to your husband so that he understands that this is how much thought you have put into his request? Then he would be aware how much you want to help but struggle. Do you really want to do this or would it be better just to say you find it too much at present?

Also, my daughter needed to pace when she was reading a script, think she needed to release the energy, could that help you? I am not sure of your circumstances but, is it possible to read things through when your husband isn't there so you can practice without him so you can try things out. It may be helpful.