Firstly, hi everybody. I'm a recently diagnosed (last year) guy in late 20's still figuring this all out.
I think years of my social problems I now can explain with this diagnosis of ASD are still problems and I Don't know how to handle it. I find it so hard maintaining my friendships as is and feel stretched really thin and don't know how to handle it.
For instance, having a day off and I have a plan: Tidy house, wash clothes, iron, game for hour, workout, eat etc etc.
In the second hour I get a text asking how I'm doing, I say I have a day off and suddenly im being invited to something. In my head- social contract, I get anxious I have to respond. I'm actually completely 'free' but want desperately to be left alone. Except, I always want to be left alone. I'm never happy to get a text like that, sometimes I want to talk and do things but the thought of my time being taken away or doing less of what I have to feels so constricting like it's a pair of hands gripping my heart.
Even if I throw away my free time and I hate it. I want to do more things. I'm sick of my four walls but feel this all the time! I need help, I think. What would you suggest that I do first?
Written by
Khan_Kohng
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Totally get where you're coming from with the social side of things. (I'm ASD too, diagnosed 5 years ago). It's really hard to deal with social things, especially when you've got things planned out and then something pops up out of the blue and throws everything off. It's really stressful. I also get what you mean when you talk about sometimes wanting to interact with people but not wanting to lose your time.
Maybe, a suggestion for the first issue of not always wanting to interact with people, is to set some gentle boundaries.
Example scenario: You've got your day planned, then your phone *pings* and it's someone saying "hey, you free? Do you wanna hang out?" It's great they want to hang out, and it's nice they're contacting to see if you're interested. However, if you really don't want to, and have things that are planned, then it's fine to politely say, "Hi, thanks for the offer, however I don't really feel like it today. Cheers all the same" or words to that effect.
You're not obligated to say yes, just because they've asked. If you are technically "free" to go out and about, but don't want to, then you're totally within your rights to politely decline and say you don't fancy a meet up today. A good friend should be able to understand that we're not always up for things.
On the flipside, for when you do want to talk to someone but worry about losing your time, (brilliant metaphor of hands gripping your heart, by the way.) from what I've learned from my own experiences, having ASD means a strong need for control and stability in order to feel secure. When things are out of whack, or out of our control, then it's seriously uncomfortable. Having your time that is yours and yours alone, where you can dictate what you do, and what happens could be a way of keeping that sense of security and stability in your day. And when it's threatened by an outside factor like a person taking up the time you have, hey, it feels stressful. Even if we want to speak to that person, there's that feeling of worry, because it will mean a disruption to the stable structure. Plus, socialising is hard because another person brings a set of unknown variables - we don't know how long they'll talk for, what they'll talk about, how we'll feel while they're talking, etc.
I've found this particular thing is an ongoing challenge; we want to socialise sometimes but don't want to lose that sense of control.
If you feel able to, sometimes it's worth challenging that sense of control, but letting it flex just a bit. ASD or not, we can never truly control everything and it'll drive us nuts if we tried to all the time(!) so it's good to gently learn ourselves a little flexibility, and then we can cope a bit better if every something truly unexpected pops up.
If, for example, you wanted to talk to someone for a change, maybe take a deep breath, and drop them a simple message, "Hey, how's it going?" and see what they do. And while you wait for the reply, you can have a plan - you can decide how long you'd like to chat for. It can be a quick check in, for example. Nothing more than you want to. And then if it's going ok, and you feel comfortable, you can allow the chat to go on a bit longer.
It's essentially what you feel able to that day. One thing I've learned is that my ASDness can be more or less intense some days. Some days it's a very ASD day, and others, I can function a little easier; Some days, I'm happy to arrange a meet up with a friend. Another day, I'll be a hermit crab, and be quite content being in my own company.
That may be the same for you, or not, however, if there's a day when you're feeling able to socialise, that could be a good day to try letting that need for control flex a bit. Taking a step out of the usual routine can have rewards, as well as being a challenge, and it's worth focusing on those positive rewards to help motivate you to take a step outside of your four walls; Things like a friend making you laugh, or seeing something you wouldn't have seen had you stayed indoors that day. It's looking for the positive side of the unexpected.
Getting a confirmed ASD diagnosis is a useful and slightly odd thing, because in one way it explains why we do the things we do, but in another it doesn't answer everything either, or provide solutions to the challenges it raises. It can even raise different questions as well. (I should also add, there are positives to the spectrum too, like heightened concentration, organisational abilities, seeing things from an angle unique to you, and so on, and it's worth baring those in mind, especially when some days it feels difficult.
It's funny, because we talk about ASD like it's a thing separate to ourselves that we nonetheless have to live with, when actually, when you take away the label, it's simply that your brain is a uniquely wired thing that's processing the world in it's own way.
I'm still learning lots about my ASD mind and I think it grows and evolves with you, as you in turn grow and evolve. You're constantly learning about it, as much as you're learning about yourself as a person as a whole; the ASD is just one of the parts that makes up that whole.
(Sounds a bit corny but I hope it makes sense).
Friendships are a challenge, and keeping up can definitely be exhausting at times. I think one of the best things is to simply be honest; a good friend will understand if you're needing some space. You can choose your boundaries, and how much you want to socialise.
Bearing in mind that it's good to keep some form of contact going, just so we don't get too constricted in our own safety net. Again, it's about when you're feeling able to. Some days you just need that time to yourself. And the nice thing is friends can surprise us - even sometimes when it feels like social interaction is the last thing we want, it might be just what we need to get us through a sticky day. Sort of like essential vitamins(!)
Sorry this turned out very long. I hope this helps in some way, and that you have some great days off
Your help means so much. I've not felt this understood for a very long time even though I struggled so much to even articulate what I did, as I did it. I'll take that advice to heart particularly on boundaries. It's scary, that impending thought that if I decline too much I'll never be asked again but that fear also that I'll maybe never want to exchange my time away so I'll be perpetually lonely again. It's like I'm bargaining with myself constantly.
Do you have any advice for how I could begin to learn about myself in this kind of way. I feel like I'm still struggling to acknowledge my own needs and the person I am despite my age and despite these problems not really being new. If there's wisdoms I'd very much appreciate it but as is I appreciate all you said already. Thank you very kindly.
You're really very welcome. I'm glad it's been helpful to you in that way. And yep, I get what you mean about the bargaining.
As for the learning about yourself part, it's a bit tricky in that it doesn't all come at once like a bolt from the blue or a sudden light bulb moment. It's a more gradual thing that you might not even notice, until you look back and see how far you've come, and take stock of the difference and what you know now compared to then. That comes with retrospect.
I wouldn't feel discouraged that you're struggling despite your age or how long the problems have been there. I'm in my mid-twenties and I still find old problems or challenges popping up that I thought I should long since have got a handle on.
I also think certain challenges don't necessarily go away as we age, we just find different (and hopefully better) ways of responding to them over time.
I think in terms of learning about yourself in the here and now, maybe you could have a think about how you react to things; what makes you happy, what do you feel passionate about, what stresses you out, what do you fear, and so on. And then gently consider the reasons why; why you might love this thing, or find that thing stressful, etc. It doesn't have to turn into over thinking, or plumbing deep mental/emotional depths. Far from it! And it shouldn't just be a search where you're looking for your flaws, or things that ought to be "fixed".
It's just about you thinking about the ways you think(!)
It could also help if you kindly and gently acknowledge to yourself what you feel your limits are, mentally and emotionally, for where you are at right now. (It will change over the years). This can help you set boundaries for yourself, that some days if you're feeling able to, you can push.
The important thing about looking at what you do, and how and perhaps why you react to things, is not to be harsh on yourself when coming up with the answers. So thinking, "I react badly to social situations because I'm just no good at communicating and I ought to try harder", isn't the way to go about it.
It's very easy to become self critical, but the more you judge yourself, (particularly against whatever passes for so-called "normal") you'll be teaching yourself unfair lessons about who you are, when the truth is that how you react to certain situations and how your brain operates is just a unique part of who you are at this time.
And hey, sometimes there aren't answers. We might not know the reason why situation A stresses us out, or why a particular piece of music makes your brain fizz with happiness, and that's not a bad thing. We can't know absolutely everything, and we won't always understand it, and that's something we also have to gently accept as well. We might get it years later, looking back, but not right now and that's a pretty natural outcome for a lot of life.
Some days self-reflection can feel pretty hard, and sure some times I know I feel sick to the back teeth of dealing with being autistic, and I feel like I'm fighting with my mind and emotions. In those times have to take a deep breath and know that that particular day is full on and you're gonna need some down time to feel safe and chill. So if the ASD is ever meaning you're feeling overwhelmed or if thinking about it too much leads you feeling burned out, it's best to stop, step away and take a break - It's helps to have a safe space/activity/something that helps you relax and feel secure.
E.G., It's common with ASD to hyper fixate on things, to have an interest we're really passionate about, and talking about it or engaging in that activity can bring a real sense of happiness and enjoyment.
So yeah, overall I would say it's about becoming gently more self aware. (Not trying to sit down and figure out yourself like it's some big puzzle to be solved, but just observing what you do from time to time, day to day). Knowing yourself, and (cheesy as it is) being able to be kind to yourself about it, not judging yourself harshly. It's about recognising the things that make you, you.
Social anxiety is a large part of my daughter's feelings also and it can be difficult getting a good balance. Lockdown was hell for her as people would say one thing and do another and she nearly gave up on friendships due to the stress it caused her. Like you she needs a lot of "me time" to de-stress and self regulate. Like you a last minute text sends her anxiety up too. For her, she will talk with me about it and work out what to do, not always taking my advice but, I think the talking through helps.
I wonder, would you be able to stay away from your phone on a free day? or would that cause issues too?
Maybe you could have a think about what answers you could use in the future to take a little bit of the stress away when you get such texts? A bit like NotJim states as it can help a little so you don't feel as overwhelmed on the day.
Also, could you take a call rather than meet up on a free day? In that way you could plan for that and even plan for an amount of time you could take on that. My daughter now tells me when to come and tell her a certain time so she's not on the phone too long as that takes her energy but, not as much as a meet up.
Thank you very much Bee, I think your daughters plan with an external reminder of how much time a call is taking is a good one and I'll try to adapt that myself. My apprehension with calls was very much often just that they seem to go on for so long. There are also often pauses, natural pauses it's not uncomfortable but it's like the information per minute doesn't add up to a valuable use of time and makes me more anxious unless it's the most engaging conversation. I hate how that sounds but it just rattles around in my brain until the call is over. I'll do my best to turn off phone on my next day off too. That's challenging as there are so many avenues for people to contact me since mobiles transitioned to smartphones and all the pc apps and such but it does need to be done occasionally regardless. I'll have to sit with that one. Thank you for your advice and perspective as well, I really appreciate it.
Yes, calls can be difficult too for different reasons and long pauses can be hard. I can understand the feeling of the time not being used well if pauses appear but, maybe if you have a definite end time it might feel a little less anxious/frustrating?
I think it is easier these days for people to contact each other which is a challenge too. My daughter would get pretty overwhelmed when she had a few different social media accounts and ended up deleting some because it got too stressful. She was on a group where people all liked the same video game and you would think that the "special interest" would mean that would make things ok but, unfortunately that turned really unpleasant so, she had to leave. Having to sift through the debris of that was difficult because she just wanted the group to function and do what it was supposed to do and instead had to deal with very unhealthy group dynamics that she was not prepared for and left her feeling quite ill. I felt disappointed for her.
How I see it is there needs to be a balance of social time and alone time and that to feel ok folks on the spectrum need to be away from the world to replenish themselves maybe more ? The amount of alone time can differ and working out what works for you could be useful. If one bit of social (phone call etc) works on your day off, try to stick to that whatever amount of time you give to that. My daughter is much better with planned stuff so knowing what would feel ok and planning for that may help you too. On other days off you may feel you want the whole day to you which is equally ok!
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
autism assessment tomorrow...
Aspergers and fibromyalgia
suspected to be on the spectrum
