My daughter (now 21) suffers with ASD and ADHD. Both diagnosis are fairly recent (last two years). She rarely leaves the house except to go to do her course which is twice a week. She has no interest in shopping so I can’t suggest that. We have a little dog but she won’t walk with me as she says I walk too fast. I offered to walk slower but she says she’s busy.
I feel so sad seeing other mums with their daughters and I’m alone. I worry she may always want to stay in.
Any advice welcome, thanks
Hi my young lady unless she had to go to college wiuld not go out any other times she’s on her ipad or phone games chatting but as for socialising going for walks is a no go
Hi Picklebum, thanks for your reply. Yes mine too spends a great deal of time on her iPad and phone. I worry about the socialising side of things in real life but I guess with Covid it makes it difficult anyway.
I worry so much but she seems happy so maybe me I don’t know
I think that’s it, (and I’m beginning to realise myself) that if she’s happy that’s what is important.
So, a couple of things crossed my mind. The first is that, as I understand things, most people on the spectrum have heightened threat awareness. They are much more aware of (and sometimes focused on) the threats around them, both real and perceived, whether that’s simply the potential for something unknown or unforeseen to happen and make them anxious, or worrying about a car accident, or other traditional, physical risk. In our house, even being late getting somewhere due to traffic can be perceived as a risk, so generally speaking, it’s much easier to avoid these things completely than have to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with leaving the house. I don’t know what’s going on in your daughter’s head, but I can tell you that in our case, she doesn’t physically like exercise to start with, or see any point in going out purely for a walk. She loves dogs, but even using taking a dog for a walk doesn’t work. As she explains it, the fact that the dog needs walking and can’t take itself is not her problem or responsibility 🤷♂️ Dig down a little deeper, and there’s a fairly intense fear of flying insects, so being in the outdoors when it’s dry means she’s assessing the risk of insects as being quite high. That’s a nope. Sensory issues? Well, if it’s too warm, she can’t cope. Too loud, she can’t cope. Traffic noise can make her think she’s at risk of being hit by a car. If it’s an unfamiliar area, that’s inherently anxiety provoking for all sorts of reasons ranging from simple unfamiliarity and not knowing what to expect through to worrying about the presence of and accessibility to facilities. I know my daughter’s brain is essentially stuck in a cycle of what if? But, what if? Yeah, but, what if?! It’s just the way she’s wired as a result of her ASD, and my experience has been that when you start appreciating the way that people on the spectrum unconsciously process the world around them, even very high functioning individuals, then the way they interact and behave starts to make a bit more sense. Spontaneity is also a big issue for many people, so any excursions, even just for a walk, need to be planned and communicated in advance.
Now, taking all of the above into account, it’s also worth mentioning that there is a high incidence of depression occurring alongside ASD, particularly in people who are at the more high functioning end of the spectrum. My daughter is academically very able, and has been on antidepressants since the age of 12 due to comorbid depression and anxiety, which manifested as poor sleep (even more so than normal), worsened compulsive behaviours like hair plucking, and lack of interest in everything. The meds have definitely helped, but ultimately she still just wants to sit on her laptop all day as a result of avoiding the ‘threats’ as she sees them in the world. Online and in the house is safe, contained, and generally predictable, so she finds it much easier to manage and regulate her emotions and responses. If something feels safer and easier, most people would prefer to choose that option.
Last but not least, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, if depression isn’t an issue, and your daughter herself is relatively content with her life, then it sounds like you might need to do some work around your thoughts and feelings. I can understand that seeing other mums and daughters out and about is bittersweet for you when you don’t have that, but the biggest thing I’ve learnt parenting someone on the spectrum is that we have to let go of our own expectations. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have hopes and aspirations for our kids, or our relationships with them, just that we need to let go of the shoulds and comparisons with others.
Hi Charlie, thank you for your reply. A good percentage of what you say pretty much describes my daughter. She loves the dog and often plays with him but going out with him I know no longer mention to her. Spontaneity is most certainly off the cards and I do have to plan. I relate to the ‘What ifs’ and can count so many times when this has happened.
I know I need to let go of my expectations, it’s just how to do this I guess I have to figure out. Her ASD diagnosis is only recent and I’m only just beginning to come to terms with it all.
I wish you and your daughter the best. Thanks again.
Yes I relate to this too the what ifs ... safe indoors with the cat ... never goes fir a walk hates it but does go to college but not gd in social situations
Hi there FirstCoffee,
I agree with Charlie_G, - a lot is about the individual feeling safe and to some degree PTSD levels of hyper arousal. My daughter actually walks dogs at a local animal shelter as she would like a therapy dog to help gain independence in the future. I have four children and so it is not necessarily myself who finds some safety behaviours difficult but, the others and it has taken time to work out how to best work the family for everyone concerned. She had a therapy Guinea pig that died a couple of weeks before her birthday and it was devastating for her. She struggled with how to act outside the family at college: would people laugh at her, what if she had a meltdown now, etc. She did have a meltdown and I took the other Guinea pig (who is disabled and she isn't connected to like she was to her own) to college to pick her up and her sister bought her a plush pikachu to cuddle (that is what she picked) change is scary, rarely exciting for people on the spectrum. Routine is safe, but, if you are building in a routine- do it slowly or at the individual's pace. If she likes the dog and it is just your walking that she says bothers her, say let's try a short walk and I won't walk fast. Is there a park where she can play with the dog? Such as throw a ball etc. Also check if it is other things that concern her. Ask when shes calm and receptive or you may get a blank "no nothing!" Is it sounds outside that scare her/other people/ fear of contamination etc-in my daughter's case there are some OCD traits to some degree too.
It sounds like you really miss the connection between you both rather than her not getting out? If so, what are her likes? My daughter has gone through a range of "special interests " most people on the spectrum have them the stereotypical one being trains ! At present it is the animal crossing game I know all about Bob and how he is a fantastic villager! It is a way in to discuss things and can bring some social interaction and confidence as the subject will bring some joy to the individual and helps to de stress them.
Finally, people on the spectrum need "me time" and they can need more that neuro-typical folks. My daughter goes straight upstairs after college to come down from the hyper arousal. This is regardless of if it is a good or bad day ( oh yes, black and white and good and bad thinking is something you may notice too) I have to be the clock on that or she would possibly be there all day!
Hope some of this helps.
Sensory processing disorder and ASD
Newly diagnosed at the age of 23
Parent to 19 yo Asperger seeking support and advice.
