After a quick courtship, the potential husband-to-be said everything I wanted to hear and that included alot of lies and deceptions to get me to marry him...he finally admitted it after three years into our marriage. He was a widower at 56 yrs old and I was never married at age 53,by personal choice. I was a confirmed bachelorette. His son made several suicide threats in our first three years together which I took seriously but his father didn't! Looking back, I suppose his lack of compassion was because he had told me repeatedly that he never wanted this child but that his wife did. Also, my husband turned out to be an Autistic adult which explains zero compassion and lacking a parenting instinct! Both my husband and his son have multiple other disorders as most Autistics have. My husband is a hoarder, has his set routines that he refuses to change or surrender and collects musical instruments. He also constantly complains about feeling weak and exhausted. His sex drive is selfish and his performance is pitiful and immediate. He refuses marriage counseling. I sought out counseling for his son and some family counseling sessions, also acted on three direct admissions to admit him for evaluation at local psych units for adolescent rehab programs for teen suicide threats and also had police interaction in the home due to outbursts,rages and attacks by this same kid. The father also resisted this interaction with law authorities initiated by me. Finally, the son saw a Psychiatrist and was prescribed Respiradone 1.0 for his behaviours which seemed to help. About a year and a half later, that was reduced to 0.5mg. I have been blamed repeatedly for all the family upheavals here in our family/marriage because I insisted on making this father accountable to participate in raising HIS OWN son. This also includes expecting my husband to discipline him when necessary, and to be consistent which was never appreciated or followed through by my husband as he had never been allowed to discipline this child during his marriage to the biological mother/wife while she was alive. He explained it off as she was abused as a child. But he has also mentioned she knew he had a very bad temper and may have been abusive if given the chance to discipline him as he saw fit. YIKES! Another scary disclosure! This kid has been written up by the local police 4x for destruction in this home and violence towards us in the past four years. Now the kid is 18yrs old this January 2017. He has told his counselor and father that he had stopped his psych meds 11 months prior and has been dumping them. The kid told me this same information the next day in private. The rub for me, besides the obvious blatant lies, is that his father is yet to come to me about it and discuss it and admit to me that once again, I was right all along...AGAIN! I am very upset and a little frightened by this fact that he is now off his meds. I am not allowed to discuss this with his counselor as he is now 18 years of age. I am very angry he has been lying to us this entire time saying he was still continuing to take his meds. His father continued to defend his kid saying he must be taking his meds even when I have continually questioned him. I now have completely stopped communicating with him and his father as they have both been so very dishonest with me since I came into this home as a wife/stepmom. I have had enough of these behaviors and disrespect from both of them. I have had nothing but resistance trying to help this kid get control of himself, his life and his academics. I give up and just want out before it is too late for me. The kids 'last attack' on his father was a week before his 18th birthday when he slammed his father against the kitchen wall and held him there because the father gave him a simple order. The kid next came to my room to inform me what he had done to his father. He also asked me NOT to call on the police on him regarding this incident but that his dad just needs to learn not to 'piss him off'...Understand this event also took place only a week after receiving a VERY expensive Christmas gift from his dad. Lately, I mostly stay locked in my bedroom with the family dogs...I have not spoken with my husband or his kid now for 10 days and am seeking another residence. I take my meals separately from them and avoid the common rooms like the kitchen, dining room, etc. during the times they will also be home. Autistics rarely have any friends and no where to go so they are always home. They talk incessantly about mindless topics and actually drum it to death attempting to explain it or understand it. The big question is...am I in danger??? The stress has personally been very debilitating for me. I am currently 100% disabled, still ambulatory but limited due to osteoarthritis in both knees...I don't need more burdens in my life to contend with...and if they were to physically act out, I would be limited to appropriately get out of their way. I have left the home once due to Domestic Violence issues of the non-physical kind after our first full year together. I came back stupidly when my husband begged me to and he promised that he would attend marriage counseling which later he stated that he would NOT ATTEND since we obviously no longer needed it...what???? In closing, in addition to everything else I have shared here,this step-kid has made,with collusion,three fraudulent complaints to Child Protective Services against us that were ALL UNFOUNDED and DISMISSED...So, I ponder...what's next for me to expect?
Discouraged and disenchanted....: After a... - Autism Support
Discouraged and disenchanted....
I feel for you all. You find yourself in a very difficult position. I take it your step-son is on the autistic spectrum, what you are saying is very familiar to many of us on the forum. If only we had all the answers. I can see why her husband reacts the way he does and I know so many people will agree. It`s not ideal, there doesn`t seem an ideal solution and it has probably worn your husband down after the years. He probably was finding it hard to cope, many marriages and relationships break down when caring for someone with autism. He perhaps hoped to find some happiness with you, he probably didn`t set out to deceive you, he just hoped he`d have some life for himself. It seems like you have tried very hard to help his son, I can see you`re giving up which is an option. But you`re also writing on this forum suggesting you could be looking for answers and perhaps a small % of you still wants things to work out. If you are, what about getting outside help from specialists who will share the burden, help to point you in the right direction, your first port of call may be your GP, both of you, and his son if he will go too. 10 days is far too long for you to be locked in your bedroom, you all need to talk, this may be difficult, if you can`t talk write down your feelings and give them both a copy to read, because they`ve been together for a long time and there is probably a pattern for the way they cope, which is not fair on you. But your husband I suspect is finding it difficult to cope as well and it`s a shame if you both still could/want to make a go of your marriage. I don`t think any of you can solve this problem without outside help, you`ve struggled on to breaking point. Please let us know what happens, it does help to share things.
Thank you for your terrific insights here...I'm simply fearing it will be more of the same stall techniques and lies...it is all that I have come to expect and am worthy to receive from them...My husband is also Autistic, as he was diagnosed by the attending Psychologist at the Family Counseling Center getting the kid tested...husbands entire life seemingly has been in upheaval by his personal accounting...father used to call him 'Simp' as a child and young adult...short for Simpleton...biological mother passed when he was 9 from a car accident with father and another couple...passed from family to family until father recovered, remarried and returned home with an 18 yr old bride...placed in Special Ed classes when he dropped out of school in the 8th grade which was probably equivalent to a 5th grade education...(another lie that I discovered)...shallow end of the gene pool here, I'm afraid...SHARING has helped me to EXHALE, finally....Thank you
I think it has, by the sound of it your mind is made up, I don`t need to tell you you`ll be unhappy if you stay, you know that, there is no future in staying.
How you describe the situation is how people with autism do often behave, it`s hard for them and difficult to understand for them and others to live with. I think maybe the situation with a partner is slightly different to that of parent to child, I could be wrong but it may be easier to cut ties with a partner than you son or daughter with autism.
I just feel there`s a lot of sadness in your story for all of you. I wish you well.
Looking back on the gifts,roses,dinners out and items bought for the house were in his mind supposed to be larger things for me to refocus on than the harsh comments,insults,nasty names,lies and all the insincere 'I'm sorry's' ...acting like a child placed me in a 'parent-child' role with him often and it became uncomfortable as I always seemed to be correcting him or teaching him things that he should have known or retained as a 60 year old spouse...like either he was regressing,never knew it or I had been over-compensating for him in many situations that was enabling him...I tried to be a good step mom to his son but it was unwelcome...I have stepped back,I let him fix their meals and do their laundry...he verbalized that he didnt like the way I cleaned up the kitchen after meals and if I left any dishes in the sink after a late meal he would lose it! I was expected to wash every item and dry it and put it away immediately after ever time it was used, So,I just stopped doing meals and baking. I even had the kid telling me how I was supposed to do my dishes-final straw...I cook for myself now or eat out...I stay out of the kitchen while they are out there...everything just feels very strained now...I have taken off my rose colored glasses and realize my efforts,awesome meals,amazing desserts were not appreciated but cheeseburgers every night were only wanted...or shake & bake porkchops and mashed potatoes....I just shake my head now...it doesn't matter to them if I stay in my room. They don't want to or know how to fix this because living like this just the two of them is enough
Remorse for their actions and remarks is non-existent ; they actually believe you have it coming and next time it may be worse...the makings of a Sociopath? Schizoprehic? They dont mind turning on each other if the conditions are just right,either and strike until one generally falls. They take no responsibility for their actions; blaming others for making them do it...try living with it...
I am sorry about what you have had to deal with! Unfortunately, that is how it is! Autistics lack compassion. I have a form of autism, although I doubt the diagnosis as I have been told I am too sociable to be autistic.
Anyway it sounds like your step-son has empathy issues. I really think he ought to have dialectical behavioural analysis. Apparently it is being offered in cases where the autistic behaviour becomes severe!!! The angry outbursts will come back when he stops taking risperidone altogether. It could also be a side effect of the medication. I believe you should work out what is causing the outbursts by asking your step-son to explain what is happening, when you find him at his best! It may be that it is the wrong type of med! I was on it for a while and found it difficult to communicate whilst on them. I was on another planet! Another friend of mine who had schizophrenic like symptoms also had problems with speech whilst on them. If I'm to be honest I had some severe tantrums on that medication. Would not recommend this type of therapy. Talking therapy would be the best. Also have a look at getting him seen by a doctor as autistics are very low on vitamin B12! Please also look into a book called "Gut and Psychology Syndrome" by doctor Natasha Campbell. Could be very useful for stepson and husband. Do not give up- somewhere inside is a man who wants to be respected and loved and accepted for who he is when it comes to the stepson!!! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!! Let me know how the next steps go!!!
Now that he is 18 yrs old but still a junior in high school,can and has refused to return to taking his meds...I cannot discuss it with his Counselor or his Psychiatrist because he is now 18...his father still has not addressed with me that the kid has lied to me for 11 months but cant believe he hasnt discussed it before now with him...my husband being dishonest & Autistic also covers for the kid...how can I respect a man that's been dishonest with me for over 4 yrs? Everytime I catch him and call him out on it,then he offers a weak,insincere 'sorry/wont do it again' and two days later is right back at it...cannot believe much they tell me for truth...GOD knows,I have forgiven them so many times that I have become an Enabler...
I am sorry that I cannot offer any solutions here. However, I am saddened by the fact that you never mention love towards either your husband or his son, in any way at all. Were you ever in love or have a love for either of them?
Good question regarding love....I only dated husband for 2 months before we said I do in a Church before a Pastor...I need time to fall in love and that person needs to EARN my love before I just mutter these words...I felt 'in time' that the love would grow between us but it seems to have gone the other way with him calling me a f*cking whore,telling me to shut the f*ck up multiple times,to get out,seeing his sick ex on the sly & calling her...maybe I should be forgiving this abuse too? I cannot figure out this nonsensical BS in my new marriage...
So sorry you are frustrated. I was in your similar situation with by birth daughter and her dad. I analyzed and found fault with their behavior and I was right. But I just didn't "get it". You son sounds exactly like my 17 yr old daughter. I was constantly trying to correct her behavior to be like me and kind and and understanding person. What I didn't get is "she doesn't see the world the same as I do". She has autistic behaviors and thinking. The conversations about "nothing" as you describe are not nothing to your son. He told you he slammed your husband against the wall
And didn't want you to call the police because your son felt terrible inside from his actions . He said his dad "passed him off" and should stop doing it.
That is a teenagers way of telling you "something is wrong ". It's up to you to get it.. that means hug him and show him that you love him. He does not get it that people love him and he is terrified and alone and feeling different and doesn't understand his own outbursts.
I was reacting to my daughter much as you are and feeling my kid was an alien.
Once I read about autism a switch went off, I started getting my daughter. When she is starting to loose control and feel frustrated I don't tell her she's wrong or crazy or get mad about how inappropriate she is.
I say....what is making you upset. How can I help. I hug her if she lets me. She melts. I have learned the magic it takes to love my daughter with autistic behaviors.
Don't expect a child with different behavior to be like you. Love them help them this is how we hold relationships together. Or we can be lonely and disappointed that people aren't all like us.
Actually he felt his dad had it coming when he slammed him against the wall,and has done it before...he response was his dad better wake up or it'll be worse the next time...sound like a kid thats remorseful? Was diagnosed PDD-NOS...Not pleasant to live with but not without me trying!
Dear Fox Wants To Leave,
Lying and autism go hand in hand if I'm to be honest. I think it is because of the disordered personality issues which go along with autistic like issues. I have had to deal with these and believe me it is hard and sometimes you just want to scream!!! I see now why you can't approach the psychiatrist but perhaps you could talk with someone like The Samaritans about what to do next! Perhaps a talking therapy where you talk over your issues might help. Also I have just had a enlightening thought about your situation and believe you could try to move to a different home to save yourself from the stress!!! When you sign yourself up for councelling I'm sure they might recommend something similar. Go and see your local housing officer and explain your situation in depth!! They will understand. If you can provide a letter from the GP that you are suffering from stress due to difficult relationships at home, they should try to house you somewhere else. The waiting lists might be long but at least there is something to look forward to; in other words peace of mind
I wish you all the best, Juli-81!
Thank you so so very much; excellent advice! Not sure who the Samaritans might be...are they a group of people in the United States? Will a GP give me a note? He knows Im under stress but only offers a script for depression which I refuse to consider...I am getting on a list for alternate housing...I cant take it anymore...I can be considered for handicapped housing for being totally disabled...there is forms Ive filled out and go on a wait list...I am so excited to get ME BACK!
I see....I didn't realise you were in the States! Actually the Samaritans have a website which goes under samaritans.org so presumably they are international but I wouldn't bet on it. I am very pleased you are getting housing! You deserve respite and time for yourself. Good luck, more rest and more happiness to you. Don't let the autism and unnerving situation get you down. I am glad I could help, even if it is just a tid bit!!!
An unsustainable situation - put your safety first. Who else is aware of your volatile situation? What is the plan if things deteriorate further? Who can you contact? Are police and social services aware? Do you want them to be? Who will support you if you decide a move from the home is unavoidable?
It sounds you have had a terrible time. I am awaiting diagnosis myself for Autism. I was diagnosed ADD at 49 52 now. Yes our behaviour can be terrible for others. But it is traumatic for us too. If you feel unsafe leave. Best be safe for yourself good luck ✋
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