A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
------------------
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "The Twist! Dad, It's called the Twist!"
---------------------------
An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat up the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "
"Rectum? Damn near killed 'him! Said Johnny"
----------------------
A boy was at a public swimming pool.
The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ''Hey! Don't pee in the pool!''
The boy replied, ''But everybody else does it!''
''Not from the diving board!'' shouted the lifeguard.
--------------
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
Saved some for tomorrow!
Keep smilin'
Bri'
Been prescribed morphine small dose after a hospital stay.
How to blow up your consultant!
Thank you for letting me to your group.
Who could you ask about if your entitled to any benifits. 
Asthma advice/sharing your symptoms/peace of mind please. 
